Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Music: Ronan Keating - Iris

3
8/06/2008 04:19:00 PM
As you may notice music is my life, I love to find songs that describe my situation and I love to listen to music (every single genre of music). I've found one more song which describes my situation (and just for the record situation is changing in past two-three weeks, you'll see in one of the next posts). Song is named "Iris" and I really can't see why. If anybody knows please explain me.

And Ronan Keating is one of my favourite singers, I first heard him on Eurovision Song Contest with the song "The Way You Make Me Feel". And he's cute guy, and he's also born near my birthday, so I like him even more :-)



Here are lyrics:


And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven
That I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breath is your life
Cuz sooner or later its over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am


Video:



3 comments:

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Online dating

3
8/02/2008 01:25:00 PM
I really don't know is this good or bad, but in my country it is really hard to find people who are gay or bisexual. Well, they really exist, but they are pretending to be straight cause it's really hard to live your life like outed gay.

So, because I never was in gay relationship or even be with a gay, I decide to join some local gay community website. You can put your profile and people can send you a message. And I can say that I'm surprised.

I got a lot of disgusting messages just asking for sex in some really disgusting way... I just ignored messages like that. But I got three really nice messages, now even more with really nice people. Some guy who is only one year older than me and some other guy who is 5 years older and the third one is guy who is 8 years old. Well, I'm just discussing with them through email so nothing happened and no one knows who I am in real life. Second guy became disgusting when I told him that I'm not for a meeting right now, so he's not in my list anymore.

Who knows, maybe I'm going to see one of them soon. The first (one year older) guy seems nice, but only seems. I don't really know is he real and does he have really 19 years. And I don't even know how he looks like, but from the emails, I think that he's not so hot.

Thanks for reading.

3 comments:

Monday, July 28, 2008

Music: 3 Doors Down - Here Without You

7
7/28/2008 04:37:00 PM

The new song I like so much. It left big impression on me. Reminds me on D. (again, well I think that every song reminds me on him, even some house songs cause I was on a lot of parties with him)... I'm losing my mind, but nevertheless I think that I'm slowly forgetting him, which is amazing...

Here are the words of the song:

A hundred days had made me older
since the last time that I've saw your pretty face

A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same

But all the miles had separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rollin
as the people either way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
but I hope that it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

Everything I know,
and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls,
when it’s all said and done
it get hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me


And here's a video, I especially love the first part (first 15 seconds) the music is great and the words are amazing. Enjoy:




Hope you'll like it.

7 comments:

Sunday, July 27, 2008

10 days with D.

3
7/27/2008 06:02:00 PM
OK, we were at trip for 10 days and I can tell you that it was amazing, but I'm not so satisfied about my hanging out with D. I spent more time with his best friend and other people, because he was in other room (something complicated about keys and other stuffs) because we were going on group trip. So I was in room with his best friend and some other guy. D. was in totally different area of hotel :(

But we became closer than we were before this trip and I'm glad because of that. He told me a lot of things that I didn't knew before and I was disappointed with him in past two-three days. He came out to be just like I always knew, but I didn't want to accept that (love is blind believe me). He's total jerk. He's so cute, adorable, but in his head he totally egocentric (even more I ever imagine) and so selfish and so want-to-use-people. He thinks that with his cuteness and girls liking him, he can have everything.


I was used by him, two times. I recently find that out. First time it happened on that party (read post Night with D.) where I brought Simone and all other girls with me. I thought that Simone started to kiss with him first, but later I discovered that D. started first even I already told him to stay away from her (I told him that I will try to hook up with her). Just for the record, both were drunk that night. Then second time was three days ago when I also brought Simone to some party at some house. D. asked me to bring her. And D. slept with her just for his selfish desire to have sex. His plan was to bring some girls and hook up with them. This was like some test for Simone, because I like her a lot and I noticed that he likes me too. I was trying to see will she go all the way with D. and she did. And just for the record, she's almost 3 years older than him and always tells me that "he's little jerk, kid, but he's so cute and good kisser, but still a kid". From that words and the tone she speaks about him I thought that she hate him. But after 4 glass of vodka she was in bed with him. That night was so depressing for me because her words and everything fall into water and my heart was broken again.

Tomorrow I talked with Simone and I told her everything, about my feelings and such. We talked also about the previous night.

And what about she-likes-me part? Well, that was true, she liked or likes me, and she admitted that to me when I told her everything, but the main problem is two things. First one, she has a boyfriend (she had it even when she was with D, she cheated her boyfriend with D.), and second problem is me, because I can't look at her the same way. She's so... I don't have or I don't know word, but so disappointing for me :( I feel so used and betrayed. D. is jerk, idiot. He didn't even send me txt or anything, and he's on another holiday right now. I'll see him in about a week, and I must see what he thinks about everything. Just for the record, he maybe doesn't know what Simone is for me, but never mind that, he's still jerk.

Comments are welcome; I need them to feel better :)
P.S. Dunno why, maybe because of jealousy or fact that I'm virgin with 18, I have enormous desire to have sex with a guy or girl, whatever comes first.

3 comments:

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Shelter movie review

10
7/26/2008 11:35:00 PM


Sometimes the life you have isn't the one you want.


I just watched movie "Shelter" online and I can tell you that it's quite good. This is my second gay movie that I watched. I watched only "Broakback Mountain" before this and I like "Shelter" cause it's more modern and closer to me.

I like a story between Zech and Shaun. It is so romantic, so dramatic and so amazing. I like it as happy end, but just for the record to all gays, not every story ends like that one or starts like that one :( It will be nice, but still it isn't like that.

I won't spoil anything to you; just watch the movie that's my recommendation.

I'd like to find something like this (I mean on their relationship), looks kinda normal now.

P.S. Recommend me some other movies like this one and "Brokeback Mountain".

10 comments:

I'm back...

2
7/26/2008 02:24:00 PM
I didn't write for a while.

A lot of happened in this past month. I was on holiday with D. We were together for about 10 days. After these 10 days, a lot of bad thing happened about me and him.



As I said a while ago, I didn't write because my blog wasn't so popular and now nothing changed about that. I told you that I will write because it makes me feel better and I don't care how many people read my blog. Well, I'd like to tell you everything, but I already write everything down in my own private diary so I don't have to feel any better. But as I said my diary is private and no one knows what is written in it so I think that I'll write here everything and MAYBE I'll got some comments cause I want some opinions about situation.

Hope you understand...

I don't know why, but I feel that my blog sounds boring. Maybe it's because English isn't my mother tongue and it is really hard for me to write in it. Please understand!

2 comments:

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

His name

0
7/01/2008 11:50:00 PM
We were together for this weekend and we had great time. We were sleeping in same house and I really like him, but now more like friend and not like... you know what I mean.

Now he's on holiday and I won't see him for about 10 days and after that we'll be together for 10 days :) Can't wait!

I also noticed that I see his name everywhere on the Internet, while surfing... That's maybe sign, but sign about what? He's 100 percent straight :(

Summer is here and I don't hang so much on the computer so please understand why I don't write so much.

This anonymous blogs are amazing... :)

0 comments:

Monday, June 23, 2008

The end of school

0
6/23/2008 11:10:00 PM
School has officially ended. Now I can enjoy my summer holiday and my time with D. :)

A lot happened in these past two-three days, a lot of big happening, and my emotions and impressions about all aren't settled yet, and I simply can't write right now.

I was again at some party with D. I noticed that I drink a lot, and I promised myself that I'll drink only in his presence, and I try to obey that. I was so drunk that night with him, we danced a little, we hugged each other (but only friendly) and I simply can't understand how I manage to control myself not to tell him anything about my feelings or to anybody else. They say that drunk people say a lot of things they don't want to. Alcohol is like some truth serum but not for me, I think.

Now I'm bit scared am I too predictable and too obvious. What if he and his (our) friends find about me... I really don't know what I will do. OMG, I don't even want to think about this. Am I too obvious with my acts?

First things first, take care of what can be done now before worrying too long over what might never be... I like this saying. It really relaxes me when I'm like this.

Thanks for reading, that's all...

0 comments:

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Another day

4
6/14/2008 04:44:00 PM
Today is Saturday, first day of week-end. Tonight, after weeks and weeks of warm and summer time, rain fell for the first time :( So today I can't go anywhere. I hate rain, first because it's too depressive and second because it's cold. But I like smell and sound of rain, it made me think about everything. I like to sit by the window, listen to rain and just be alone. Especially if it is the night.

Well, never mind that, last night I was thinking a bit. I couldn't sleep so I thought. Of course, I was thinking about D. and I realized that I care less and less about him from day to day. That's amazing, because I'm not sad and I know that our "relationship" is impossible, but still, maybe that's because I need to study more. I have one more week of school and I don't have time to think and talk about love and feelings or any other things beside school.

D. has girl-friend and he looks happy. They are in relationship for one month, more or less. But as far as I know him, he's with that girl just because she's hot and he'll be more popular. He's egocentric and as one writer says: "Egoists are doomed to be miserable in love, because their love for woman is in minimum, and brutal love to him becomes irreconcilably." Something like that. Sorry, I'm translating and it isn't good, I hope that you will get the point.

Then I thought about my bi-curious situation. What if I'm just jealous at D. and I only imagine that I "love him"? Like person, he's total jerk, but still I like to hang out with him and to listen to him and to talk to him, even if I'm confused when I talk to him. First he's younger than me, second I'm more mature than him, but still, now when I'm talking with him, I'm bit confused. It's smaller amount of confusion than in beginning, but still there are some dose of confusion. In the beginning I was so confused first because I didn't know him and second because I (or I think that I) love him.

I can't wait the end of school, so we can hang out at the pool and we'll be together on the last week-end of June :-) I will know him better, I just know.

And then in July, for 10 days we'll be together. I'd like to tell you where are we going, but, because it's great event and it's too risky, people may figure out about who I'm talking about. I know that my blog isn't popular but what if some randomly searches for that event and finds this and he/she knows me and D. Too risky!

Thanks for reading.

4 comments:

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Enrique Iglesias - Alguien Soy Yo

2
6/10/2008 12:44:00 AM
Music always was very important part of my life. I've always had a song which brought me to life, cheer me up, makes me happy, makes me crazy etc.

I'll present you one song. It's from Enrique Iglesias titled "Alquien Soy Yo" or "Somebody's Me" in English. Spanish version is way better than the English one. It totally describes my situation with D.
At first I couldn't believe that there is song like that. It sounded that it was made for me. English version is totally different.

Old proverb says that you are in love when every song you hear reminds you about her/him. In my case that's D. This saying is really true, because I found him in EVERY song I heard, even in Techno and House songs, only one word can make me think on him.
And here's the song (Spanish translation is mine, sorry for mistakes):


SPANISH (Original):
Tú, no sabes quien soy yo,
No sé quien eres tú,
Y en realidad, quien sabe que somos los dos.
Y yo, como un secuestrador,
te persigo por amor,
y aunque tú no sepas mi dirección,
mi apellido y mi voz,
y la clave de mi corazón...
Alguien te quiere,alguien te espera,
alguien te sueña y tú no sabes que soy yo,
Alguien te piensa, constantemente,
alguien te busca y por fin te encontró,
Alguien te amó y alguien soy yo!
Yo, no pido nada más,
que estar feliz si tu lo estas,
y sentirte bien,aunque no sepas quien,
quien te quiere sin más,
por encima del bien y del mal.
Alguien te quiere,alguien te espera,
alguien te sueña y tú no sabes que soy yo,
Alguien te piensa, constantemente,
alguien te busca y por fin te encontró,
Alguien te amó y alguien soy yo!
En el fondo de mi vida,
no me queda otra salida ...que no seas tú!
Tú, no sabes quien soy yo,
No sé quien eres tú... Ya somos dos!

Alguien te quiere,alguien te espera,
alguien te sueña y tú no sabes que soy yo,
Alguien te piensa, constantemente,
alguien te busca y por fin te encontró,
Alguien te amó y alguien soy yo!
Alguien te amó y alguien soy yo!


ENGLISH (Translate):

You don't know who I am
and I don't know who you are
And in reality, who knows who we are
And me, like abductor
I'm stalking you for love
and even you don't know my address
my surname and my voice
and key to my heart.

Someone loves you, someone expects you
Someone dreams about you and you don't know who I am
Someone thinks about you, constantly
Someone is searching for you and finally had found you
Someone LOVES you and someone is me

Me, I don't request anything else
then be happy when you are happy
and feel good, even you don't know
who loves you without doubt
above good and bad

Someone loves you, someone expects you
Someone dreams about you and you don't know who I am
Someone thinks about you, constantly
Someone is searching for you and finally had found you
Someone LOVES you and someone is me

At the end of my life,
I don't have other choices... ???
You don't know who I am
We don't know who we are...

Someone loves you, someone expects you
Someone dreams about you and you don't know who I am
Someone thinks about you, constantly
Someone is searching for you and finally had found you
Someone LOVES you and someone is me

2 comments:

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Feelings redused

0
6/05/2008 11:31:00 PM
Well, in past few days I've noticed that I care less about D. Dunno why, maybe because I finally realized that he's too egocentric and too self-loving. But he's still so cute and we are nice friends right now (it's just awkward and bit scary that I hang out with him and I'm in love with him and so amazing at the same time).

I'm going on summer holiday with him. Also, a lot of other people from school and from our circle of friends are also going. I don't expect something to happen there, I repeat he's straight, but still I can't wait to be with him for 7 days, oh sorry it's 10 days :-D Yeah, baby!

And one more thing about this blog, well two things. This blog will be just my way to express some thoughts because I have the need to do that and I won't bother you anymore about publishing comments and leaving me reply. I feel very relaxed when I'm writing this to the world.

0 comments:

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Bloggers

0
6/04/2008 12:23:00 PM
I didn't write for quite some time. I didn't have inspiration and I didn't get so many visits, so I don't know what to write anymore, and I have huge desire to talk. And I don't have time after all, because school is almost over and I need to study hard.

While not writing, I was surfing other blogs of people who is like me and I found many blogs. All stories are really similar and that confuses, amazes and surprises me the most.

Every time I found new blog with similar things that are happening to me too, I am really happy. God bless the Internet. This blogs and bloggers give me hope and support to realize myself as normal person (even my parents and friends and rest of society where I live would never consider me as normal if they know my secret). A lot of these guys are living perfectly normal life, as gays. In my country, I simply can't live like gay and that's the saddest thing about me.

I found this blog: Picture Perfect with some guy which is literally my copy :) LOL and he even managed to find boyfriend. As for me, I can't even dream about that, because even if they were gays here they are hiding that like me. And my feeling about D. is always there, and he's straight, but what can I do. Love is invincible and you can't control it.

Until next post...

0 comments:

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Night with D.

0
5/24/2008 06:51:00 PM
I didn't have inspiration to write because I thought that no one reads my blog, but I started to receive some comments and I think that I'll continue with writing.

A while ago I was at some party (again) and D. was there. Well, I was invited by him, just for the record. Than as the night went on, he hooked up with my friend who is girl, who was brought by me in request of party-maker. D. hook up with... Let's call her Simone.

I was with two girls at that party and I was kissing one of them near D. When my one-night-girl went back at the podium to dance, I was so drunk and I starred in D. and Simone for about two minutes. I was so jealous and in that moment, totally drunk and unaware that I could reveal myself to the viewers who can see me, but to be honest I didn't care at all. That night was disaster for me, because I like Simone too and she was kissing with boy who I also like, my bisexuality :( I even think that I hooked up with that two girls just because D. hooked up with Simone and my heart was broken two times that night :(

0 comments:

Monday, May 5, 2008

School

0
5/05/2008 09:55:00 PM
It is the first day of school. I saw him, we had some vacation and I didn't see him for over a week. He's so cute.

The yesterday party was really boring and he wasn't there. There were a few people (about 60) and party was so boring so I left about midnight.

0 comments:

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Again party

0
5/04/2008 10:05:00 PM
Well, tonight I'm also going at some party (one friend is celebrating her 18th birthday). There is some chance (about 3% :P) that D. will be there. I'm not in mood for some party, I'm quite tired from last one (yesterday), but if he comes maybe I'll stay bit longer. No, if he comes I WILL stay longer, but I'm not so sure that he'll come :-(

0 comments:

Clubbing

0
5/04/2008 02:58:00 AM
OK. I'm bit drunk. D. wasn't at the party, but I had great time. I didn't hook up with that girl but we had some dirty dancing and I enjoyed a lot. Almost all my best friends were there and I was very happy. I also tried to catch some drunk guy in toilet but I didn't had luck with that action :) Lol, I'm just kidding.

I met a lot of new guys and one of them in joke said that he is bisexual. :P Maybe he is, but hides that and only makes jokes with that. He is really cute and has nice dance moves. I'm writing this through mobile, as previous three posts, and I'm waiting and waiting on the stairs to let alcohol go out of my blood to go home normal. I really had GREAT time. Good night everyone!

0 comments:

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Plan for tonight

0
5/03/2008 07:59:00 PM
Well, I'm going out tonight with my friends in some club. Just to mention that my friends don't know that I'm bisexual or gay. I called D and invited him too, but he can't come :-( and I'm planning to hook up with some girl who is coming and I "have some feelings" about her. If D. was coming, I'd just be happy if he is close to me, and we'll dance together, I know that, but there will be more parties so I'll go tonight and enjoy only girl's company :-)

0 comments:

How everything began

0
5/03/2008 01:41:00 AM
Well, it was in seventh grade when I was 13 years old.

At first I didn't give to much attention to that "new" feeling and with years it became more and more serious. I started to watch boys in other way (I mean on boys from my surrounding not my friends), I had fantasies with some cute guy in bus for example. Culmination of all this stunned me in second grade of high school when I fell in love (I think).

At first THAT boy was just cute to me, and slowly I start noticing him more often and then I run mad about him. Sorry because I explain in this simple way, it's just because I need to get some confidence in this blog and its readers. I wish to stay anonymous and that is prime reason why at first I won't be so communicative here. That's same thing that happened with my diary, at first I was like this, shy. Slowly you'll see that I will start talking more and more. Now to go back to my gay/bi confusion. Simply said, I'm not hundred percent sure.

From now on I will call THAT boy D, because his first name starts with D.
Until next post.

0 comments:

Friday, May 2, 2008

Fresh start

2
5/02/2008 11:57:00 AM
OK, this will be my first post.

Today is my first anniversary of recognition me as "different person" or should I say gay/bi person. I don't know how to classify myself, because I'm still confused, but we'll see what will happen with me through this blog.

I'm hoping that this blog will have some readers who will help me to direct my confusion.

Hello, I'm anonymous blogger and I'm 18 years old. Welcome to my blog!

2 comments:

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