Saturday, December 5, 2009

NEW CRUSH

7
12/05/2009 12:25:00 AM
OK, there is a new guy, who is kinda exactly like D. in physical looks, and way better person than him. I'll call him S. His name starts with S. and I'd really like to tell you his name, but I can't, you know, I'm kinda too paranoid, but maybe I'll become more free in telling you some stuffs in the future when I get relaxed and when I learn how to open myself completely. On the other hand, the initials sound more mysterious.

So, let's go back to the subject, I'll call him S. I could write some fictional name, but I don't want to, the S. reminds me on S. like D. reminds me on D, so it will stay that way.

So, this guy is very cute, looks normal, very muscular, bit short but still awesome, and at first sight he's not egocentric maniac, like D. And of course that he's straight and has a girl-friend and a very long relationship (I think that they are about 2 years together) :D Yeah, I'm the luckiest guy in the world. Woohoo!

I noticed him one day when we were applying for the uni, in the main building and of course that I noticed him cause he was the most beautiful person there, and then I saw him the day when we were giving our documents and were signing in. And somehow we met, I don't know exactly how, one day while we were waiting for something with a lot of other people, all the people standing there met each other, cause we all were freshman year and we were lost in organization at uni, files and stuffs. Now we say "Hi!" to each other every day, and that's makes me really happy, and I don't need to watch him secretly, I can stare at him as much as I want.

The best thing of all this is that I didn't get so crazy and obsessed with him, like I was with D. Probably cause I have some experience and I'm older and wiser :P I can somehow control my feelings toward S. even though I really enjoy watching his pictures on the Facebook and watching him during classes which we have together. Of course, I do that in the way that no one can see and notice. But, these days I was thinking about my behaviour, I mean I think that I'm kinda suspicious to him, cause I noticed that he looks at me in a weird way, maybe he noticed something, or just maybe I'm becoming more and more paranoid. This closet shit makes me so paranoid, I hate it!

What will I do? Nothing, I will just enjoy in his appearance and that's all, say him "Hi" from times to time and I'll be satisfied. If he somehow starts deeper friendship than this, I will be so glad, and I'm kinda secretly hoping for this.

I don't know why I can't find some cute, gay, similar to me person. It's so hard, cause you know, the homophobic nation... I can't wait to go back abroad again.

If my exams goes well, I'll maybe try to travel somewhere during my Spring Break!

Thanks a lot for reading, looking forward for your comments.

7 comments:

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Back for good this time

5
11/28/2009 12:38:00 AM
Ok, like you probably noticed I wasn't here for about a LOT :) !!! More or less six (with numbers: 6 :P ) months...

I didn't write first because of some problems with my computer, second because I didn't have inspiration and third because I was so lazy to type on my stupid slow computer.

Now I bought a brand new one and I'm ready for some more blogging. I already feel relaxed and ready to talk and share some more thoughts.

Let me in short lines tell you how was my summer holiday: NOTHING SPECIAL! :))))
Hehehe, well it was really special, but not considering my other side. There were some situations which could be very productive, but I was too coward to try something and the other main problem is my friends, I were with them all the time, so I only fool around with girls, not boys...

So, as far as I know I'm not even bisexual :P, cause I actually didn't even try anything with some boy, only girls. I need to work on that as soon as possible...

Beside that there wasn't anything interesting for this blog, or at least I can't remember right now, but if I do, I will post.

I got into University on scholarship and now I'm second month of studies at SOME university which is really good and amazing and I'm loving it with every day even more.

That's all for now, I know that I'm kinda short, but at least I started to posting again :)

Also, the most important thing, I want to thank to Aek who encouraged me the most for starting blogging again and to all other people who are still following this blog. It really means me a lot. I stumbled upon a lot of new blogs and I will try to follow all of them. One of them is Carwin's closet. Looks really nice, even though I didn't yet started to read it, but I will soon. So take a look!

5 comments:

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Holiday, Girls, School and Dream about D

11
4/29/2009 02:14:00 PM
Yesterday I was in travel agency and I booked my flight to some island for the summer. I will go to some island in Europe. Well, never mind that, I’m going at that island with some friends and I will use that time to relax, to find out am I gay or bi or sraight or I don’t know what :) I’m going to go there somewhere at the end of July and the beginning of August and I’ll be on island for about 10 days. I can't wait. Simply, I feel that it will be awesome time... :)))

I god an A on biology test and I’m finish with biology, I won’t have biology never again in my life :( cause soon the high school will be over. I also got an A on first part of test in philosophy, the second part is somewhere in May. But I like philosophy, so that’s not a problem.

Soon, as I said, I’ll finish school and went to university, I already applied for one, and I will have enrolling test somewhere in June, so I will know will I be there or somewhere else. I can’t wait. I’m bit sad, cause I won’t see my classmates so often as now, but what can I do, that’s life. I will do my best to stay in contact with a few of them, the ones who mean a lot to me. If it is/was true friendship, it will last, in other way, it won’t and I must accept that as it is. Life is sometimes hard, but what the hack. I’m always optimistic :)

Now, a few words about sexuality part. I’ve noticed that I’m right now in some straight phase. I notice girls more than boys right now, and the most surprising part is that I think that I feel something about my classmate (girl classmate). I had never watched her on that way, but now, I don’t know is it because of that we are leaving, or I don’t know what else, but she looks kinda cute to me. We were together for one time, but it was one night thing only and it was while we were drunk at some party, but I must admit that from that night, I didn’t look at her on the same way. We are quite good friends, and we even make jokes about that night, but something is different and I can feel that she feels the same, or maybe I’m wrong. We’ll see.

Oh, yeah I almost forgot. I had a dream about her last night. To be honest, I had several dreams just in one night o_0. It was really scary. First some nightmare, then some party dream where I even dreamed of D. And that mustn’t happen again, it simply can’t! And the weirdest thing of all is that he was in exactly same shirt today as in my dream.

Thanks for reading,

11 comments:

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Party, cuties and a DREAM

3
4/19/2009 10:12:00 AM
Party was nice, nothing special. There were a lot of my friends and I had a good time, but still nothing special. I was bit drunk and I must admit that I enjoyed a lot in that. Also I must admit one more thing. I love to dance with girls when I'm drunk, like that I don't watch boys so much, even dough there were a lot of hot boys. I love to party in my city, our city is very famous about that and the parties are just crazy. I have finally unstressed myself after 3 months :) But as I said it was nothing special, there were too many people, very crowded, but as I said I was bit drunk so I didn't care :)

The next interesting thing happened yesterday while I was downtown. While traveling to the downtown by bus, I saw one hot guy and he stared at me a lot. I must admit that I was embarrassed a bit because it was uncomfortable, he stared a lot, I could feel his eyes on me, and I just notice that, I didn't have a time to stare at him back, because I'm acting straight, so I held my view down or outside the window. But he was really hot.

And then when I was coming back to the place where I live, I also saw another guy who also starred at me and when I took off the bus, I saw that he even turned his head to see me again o_0. He was also hot, even hotter that the first one and I could even stare at him (of course, I stare when he was looking through the window). Two times in one day. WTF? I don't know did I have something on me or what. I was normal, like any other day when I go to the downtown. I was very surprised, and if I'm 'out' I could even date with these two guys. Well, the first one was bit skinny, but the second one was just perfect, but he was about 24-28 years old.

And now, when I went to bed and when I woke up, I was totally surprised by what I have dreamed. It was so real and the picture of dream isn't blurring at all. I remember it all, even the details.

First, I went into some apartment and there I was at some gay party. I was invited, dunno by whom. It was kinda weird and I know that I was so scared, cause I am still closeted, but I somehow knew that no one will recognize me, and I felt somehow invisible - I just watched party while sitting and drinking on some sofa. I didn't make out with anybody, but I watched some guys having sex in the bathroom, I think. OK that's bit blurry :)

And then, I don't know how it happened (you know that happenings in dreams are fast, not so real and always confusing after you woke up, but while you dream, it seems completely normal). Ok, I don't know how it happened, but I think that some guy was killed (I didn't know who, I just noticed that everyone was running and screaming) and then police came in the blink of an eye. This was the moment which scared a shit in me. They put all the party people into one room and held some press-conference. So fast o_0... I somehow wasn't put into the room, I tried to go out but the police was on the front door and I was just thinking that this will be in newspaper, everyone will know that I was at some gay party and that I'm 'different', my life is over, what will my parents say, what will happen with me. But still, one part of my body told me that it's not so bad. I don't know how, I wasn't that scared; I was just scared for one moment. Maybe I was aware that I was dreaming. Then I took courage to ask the person who was leading the press-conference. She was some blond woman from some TV show and I wasn't so surprised about her (well I was when I woke up)...

I asked: "Can I go home?" She simply said, while putting a hand over the microphone: "Of course you can" and nodded with her head. What is the chance that she will let someone go home and the murdered just happened? I was so happy that I can go home. When I was going to the front door, the police from the door was gone. And then the most surprising thing happened. Near the front door there were two of my friends from school, girl friends. They were not surprised for seeing me; they just went with me down stairs. I also felt fear for one moment, but after seeing them acting normal, I wasn't so scared. They didn't ask me anything and we went out of the building and I even know where that building was (in real life). It is somewhere in the city, near the center. We ran through the city and then, I don't know what happened, it's blurry and I don't know what was the moment when I woke up, but I know that I remembered a dream very well like you can see. I just can tell you that I was so relieved when I woke up and realize that it was only a dream.....

3 comments:

Friday, April 17, 2009

Mobile blogging and the party

1
4/17/2009 06:22:00 PM
I've just read all of my previous posts to keep a truck of what I have written until now and I decide to try something new with this blog, well it isn't so new, I used mobile blogging before. With mobile blogging I will make (I think) this blog more interesting and more up to date. And it's very easy, you just need to send message to some email address and that's all. The post will be published immediately. It's amazing. But just for the record, I won't stop using computer; I will blog from mobile and from computer from now on.

Tonight I'm going to some party with some friends. Can't wait cause I didn't party for quite some time. This will be my first club party after 3 months of 'relaxing' :)

Thanks for reading. See ya tomorrow with updates from the party.

1 comments:

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

First post again :)

6
4/15/2009 02:32:00 PM
It's great to be back. I re-added several blogs, which I were subscribed earlier, to my RSS feed and I feel really excited. I love to read all about other guys and it helps me a lot. First - because I feel accepted and not so different after all. Second because a lot of other guys are thinking like I do or think very similar.
I love to blog, but the reason why I don't keep this one up-to-date is because of my English. I need to think hard to write in English, but I hope that it will be better and better. But the point is that I'm improving it every day.

Just because of this reason please know that while I'm typing, maybe I didn't meant something that is written, or I didn't have words to say what I intended to say.

Oh, now I read my previous posts and I noticed that I never write what happened with my "love" with D.

Lol, D. is part of my past. He's very egocentric as I said in some post; he's jerk with all adjectives considering that word. I don't know why I liked him so much, he is sexy and cute but he's an idiot.

I'm moving on... After him, like I said I was confused with my sexuality, cause I never tried anything with some boy and I asked myself: 'How can I know am I really gay or not?' When I watch porn or some nude pictures or men's bodies, they really turn me on, but the porns, the pictures and the bodies of girls does that too. That's why I categorize myself as bisexual, but after him I wasn't sure. I don't know was I blinded by him or what, but I felt gayer when I had crush on him. Now I feel straighter :) (I don't even know does this adjective exist in English), and I'm not having crush on any girl right now. There're a lot of cuties around me, male and female, but I've never been attracted to any guy before as I was attracted by D. YET! I'm opened for new challenges and for the new pain :) from boys and from girls :)...

You don't know how much I would like to try something out with some boy, just to be sure is it same as with girls. Maybe I will have chance during summer time, cause I'm going on some island with some friends. Well, that's small problem, cause no one knows about my sexuality, but I will try my best in hiding this potential adventure with some boy. It will be secret and with that fact it will be even more interesting :) I'm adventurer, just for the record.

In my life right now there's nothing special at all. It's all about school and I'm senior year and I can't wait until I finish. I will probably be sad because of my friends, because the most part of my class goes to different universities and we won't see each other so often, but I think that I will continue to hang out with people who really means me a lot (true friends) although there's a fact that we are probably going to the different university.

Oh, yeah, the university. I should write about that more. But as I'm keeping my name and my residence as secret you will probably wait until I figure out what I can say and what I cannot to you and other readers. Why? Because I don't want to risk anything to be revealed to the persons who might know me in person. I am a bit paranoid, but you can never know who is reading.

I don't really know why I am so secret and mysterious, but one of the reasons is fear of revealing. I really don't want that for now. I hope that you understand...

Thanks for reading :)

6 comments:

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I'm back

3
4/08/2009 08:11:00 PM
Hello, everybody!

I'm back to blogging at this blog and I hope that you'll enjoy my new stories. I was going to stop blogging cause I felt confused about my bisexuality and about my 'different' side, but now I think that this is the best time for me to have blog and through it I hope I'll break down this confusing.

Am I gay or bisexual or straight - we'll see. For now, I'll hold to this blog and to your comments and to your support. Thanks to everybody who is writing to me and trying to help me understand what means 'to be different'...

That is all for now.

See you soon with some new fresh stories. :D

3 comments:

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