Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

12/25/2010 04:52:00 PM

Enjoy your holidays and your life... :)


Sunday, December 19, 2010

Reunion with Mike

12/19/2010 05:41:00 PM
This one will be quick post to get you guys updated and also not to make myself explain all this later when I decide to write again.

After almost 21 days without contact, and every day seemed like whole month to me, me and Mike started to hear from each other again. He is still with Chris. We hanged out a few days, I gave him the book (Higher & Higher), which was a huge relief to me cause I know that it will help him a lot, and we talked a lot. I felt kinda different, cause my aching heart was still very hurt, I couldn't look at him, I couldn't talk to him normally, cause I was hurt and I still am, kinda... We even talked about whole situation, but you need to be careful with him cause he's very unstable person, very bitter and very depressed because of everything that happened to him (parents, drugs, ex boyfriends, friends, his dreams...)

And than 4 days ago I called him and we had a regular talk over the phone and in the same time Chris called him, we needed to hang up, cause Chris will noticed the second call and make a scene and make a problem. Than Mike told me to call him when they finished and then he said that we need to break contact again, cause he doesn't want to lie Chris, and Chris's not stupid, he'll figure things out, and Mike also said that he doesn't want to lie to me either and stuff like that... And then we said "goodbye" once more, I wrote him again some pathetic message and that was it. He got the point that AGAIN after all I withdraw myself from them all because of Mike, cause I know that he's unstable and that he doesn't need any stress in his life, even though HE and only HE is to blame for all this problem. He hooked up with Chris, he cheated me, he made the problem, and I simply know that he will run away someday to his mother in foreign country, cause he's like that. When the stuff gets to much stressful, he'll disappear. Which is kinda normal for all human beings, but still I don't get why is he still with Chris, he says that he cares for him and stuff like that, and I understand that, but still why he doesn't want me there and why he doesn't want the relationship with me and three days before whole chaos everything was like in paradise.... He wanted a friendship with me (which is kinda impossible for me with all this feelings) and Chris made him break contact with me and he let him to stop our friendship and before that our relationship. Mike is to blame and both of them destroyed me, but I'm holding on okay. So, because I don't want to make him any more stressful and to save my mental health, I stepped away and I let them go for the second time. What a fool I am... But never mind...

Now I feel like I finally let it go, and this 6 days without meeting and 4 days without phone contact are kinda easier than the first 21 days from the last break. And while we got together again, I felt like I don't care that much, and he stabbed my heart for the third time (when he choose Chris for the third time over me) and I decided that I won't care anymore. He wants to be with Chris, so there you go, you are free now and go fuck yourself. Sorry for swearing, but I'm kinda pissed and I need to say that.

I don't want to be loser, poor and desperate person and to send you some pathetic messages which you won't even understand nor you will pay attention to them, cause you became a cold, bitter, self-destructing person. I wanted to help you and I still want to, but you choose Chris over me and I don't want to exist in your life anymore. You want to help him (to get him better and to feel accepted cause he's mentally insane and has difficult family life, but you will kill yourself mentally slowly like that and you will make even bigger problem for Chris later, if he gets too attached). There is always a way to go away from relationship like that, but instead of that you chose to be with him. So there you go, be with him, make yourself insane. This maybe sounds harsh, but I don't want to torture my heart anymore, I'll get over you. I also noticed that I feel better than I felt before and it's easier for me and I feel happy. I just don't want to see you for a very long time.

I returned to my hobbies and to my dreams, and I feel fur-fulled. I'm making some website and I'm all into design now, webhostings, digital art, photography, writing, reading and internet marketing. These are my goals for now, I enjoyed my time with Mike and I will never forget it, but now I need time for myself to recover from this mess. Also I would like to make some profit online and simply I want to live MY life without Mike. I don't need him anymore and that's the most amazing revelation I got in past 6 months...

I'm also planning to start blog in my own mother tongue to see reactions of people in my own country, right now I'm thinking about the domain name and soon, maybe even this "secret" blog will get .com domain ;). I would really like that... The blog will be probably about gay life in my country and all the subjects I think that is worth writing. Like that I will give my contribution to gay society and to gay people in my country and in the world.

I'm also saving money for a professional digital camera :) and I can't wait to start with photography...

Thank you all for your support and for reading...
P.S. Also, to wayner and all of you who are wondering about my education. My education is doing great, I'm almost at the end of third semester and I'm student with "okayish" grades. Of course, I was distracted by whole situation, but my final exams (for this semester) are going to begin in January so I have time to study and to replenish my knowledge... And almost two months I didn't study at all, but I woke up from a dream and I'm back to reality... See ya in the next post :)


Friday, December 3, 2010

Class with S.

12/03/2010 01:55:00 AM
LOL, today I had an English class, and like I said last year, I so badly wanted to be same group with S. and I wasn't, he was group A, and I was group C... That was last year, but this year, as a second year of learning English, we are in the same group and in recent days we have a lot of contacts, we even walked together home few times and talked.... He is really good guy and kinda interesting, but I don't know him that much.

So today, well, this evening, it was amazing and funny cause he sat next to me cause his usual seat was taken, it was so random and unexpected. We were joking, writing together, making jokes on professor's British accent and so on, it was nice and I was so fucking deconcentrated and I was trying not to look at him that much and he was so fucking close. And yeah, he really has a bit cross-eyes... which is kinda strange, but I wouldn't make big deal out of it cause he's soooooooo fucking hot and stunning....

Okay that was a small update... Enjoy your day and thanks for reading, more bigger and better posts coming soon.


Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My life update - part 2 (The Reasons)

11/30/2010 06:13:00 AM
Yesterday I heard with Mike, it was our first contact after 7 day time while we were forced by his new "boyfriend" not to have any contact at all. It was really hard period for me cause we put at end every contact we had and before that we were in contact every single day from the day we met (and that's about April 28th), one day didn't pass without a message, call, Facebook contact, Windows Live Messenger chat etc... I felt this past 7 days like a whole fucking year.

And then a few days ago I bought one book which is titled "Higher & Higher" and immediately after seeing that book in the shelf in bookstore, I thought about Mike and his problems, so I needed to buy it. It's book about drugs and how to get recovered from them. I've been reading it since then and I almost read it, only few pages left and these two days while I was reading it I was under need to send Mike a message cause I know that this book will sure help him. In every single sentence I found him. I know that he wishes for us not to have contact, cause he is in a very difficult situation with his new "boyfriend" (Chris's bit unstable, crazy and has a lot of problems with his behaviour so he simply "forces" Mike to do something against his will and Mike falls for his tricks only because he cares about him and feels sorry for him, I know that, and I can't do anything against that)... So I ignored that feeling and even thought to put somehow that book under Mike's door or something, or give him through Emma or something, write him a message on Facebook, dunno. I had a million ideas, and then I decided to wait, and to reread the book as many times as I need to, to understand everything, so I can help him even more when he's back, even though I didn't know that he will be back.

And then yesterday, I was really unstable with my feelings and thoughts all considering him, the situation, our break-up, the book and everything considering him, so I wanted a bit lonely time, I was like studying but it didn't work, it wasn't so late so I decided to go out all by myself. I entered a bus and had a random drive throughout a city... I was at a place where one of Mike's friend work and then I passed almost near Mike's neighbourhood, and always holding that book and my "after break-up notebook" (where I wrote my thoughts after break up and all my letters to Mike, imaginative and real ones) close to me, in my jacket... I was simply calling destiny to join us once again, to talk to him, to see if he's okay, to tell him about a book. After chilling my mind by a long bus drive and a long walk, I decided that it's time to go home, and it was really getting late. I entered the last bus that is going to my neighbourhood and then I got message. Because on my small road that night me and Lucy were texting each other about going out in the neighbourhood that night, I supposed that it was her. That was the first time ever I didn't hope that the message is from Mike, and then after taking my phone out of pocket I saw his name on the screen. I was shocked... Truly shocked... It was unbelievable.

He simply wrote: "I needed to send you a message to see are you okay... and what's up?"

Simple, but really dear and really hit me like thunder. I almost cried, dunno why. But I needed to hold my tears cause there were a lot of people around me, so I just hold book in one hand, phone in another and stared in one dot, somewhere between his words "are you okay" and three dots he put there...

I wrote him back: "I'm in my bus, I was taking a walk in the city, I needed that and now I'm reading a REALLY AMAZING book in the bus... How are you?"

And then he told me that he isn't that good, he has mood changes and stuff like that, he's still handling situation with Chris and stuff like that, so I asked is it okay to call him. And I called him. We were talking a lot, I read him some part of a book and he was SHOCKED, cause he always think that no one understands him and I simply knew it that he will like this book. We talked again after me getting back home until 2 AM and I was glad to hear his voice, to see that he's at least a bit okay, and that he's still alive... I'm going through hell, believe me... And then after we hang up... I started thinking again, being pissed off at him and being deep down in love with him, understanding him, trying to understand him, all in the same time... Strange feelings. I couldn't fall asleep until 7 AM and I that was really emotional stress for me...

Now, one more day and a few hours passed without a contact from him... I feel sad and bit depressed... Funny strange feeling, like I'm empty and dunno, like some shell, and I know that I can't make the first move (I made them a million times in the past just for the record) because his boyfriend will make him a huge problem, cause he's really crazy (he takes some anti-depression pills and goes to psychiatrist and he has a mental illness history in his family)... And for him being with Mike is everything. I got his twisted idea and that's why I leave them both aside and allowed Mike to help him, cause he really cares about Chris. But, like I said, Mike is really cold and bitter person, still with a million problems on his own and I simply know that problem like Chris will make him feel even worse. He's also unstable, very unstable. I won't handle if anything happens to Mike... I wanted to help him, I struggled two fucking months with my feelings after break up and I tried not to look at developing of their relationship, I tried not to hear Mike voice when speaking with Chris on the phone, I tried to understand Mike and Chris, and why we broke up, I tried to be there for him, even though he left me for Chris and even though I know that he has feelings for Chris. I tried not to notice that, and every single detail I just mentioned left a HUGE scar on my already broken heart. And then it came a day when Chris made Mike to break every contact with me. I respected Mike's wish not to send him a message nor to call him nor anything, cause I know that it will make a huge problem with Chris.

I'm having the worst experience ever, believe me. I'm totally broken... I will put one song. This one song was shown to me by Mike and since then I listen it like million times a day... The words are really piercing (especially the first two strophes)!!!


Friday, November 26, 2010

Surprising guy at dating site

11/26/2010 12:24:00 PM
Yesterday (well, it's more today early morning cause I was staying awake late), while chatting online and hanging out at THE gay dating site I received a message from some guy which really surprised me, and that guy kinda "forced" me to think about him the whole day...

In my profile I put a lot of I WANT and I DON'T WANT, cause the people there are looking only for one thing and that's sex. Cause I don't have any other option to find someone, you need to be bit harsh and rough. And then I got this message (cause I said I don't want the person who lies):

If someone asks you: "Are you gay?", and you say that you aren't, then aren't you the one who is a liar? ;)

Very clever question and simply when I read it, I was surprised, cause I saw immediately that behind that sentence lies a very smart, mature and open-minded brain. Of course I got interested.

And after that I replied with a very long message explaining that I will lie only if I don't feel comfortable to tell that person, and that it would be a white lie, only to protect myself and the rest of people who know about me, cause it's not safe to tell everybody that you are gay, it can affect a lot of people (not just you). Than we progressed in section where he suspects my "accepting myself" and I simply was astonished with guy and his way of thinking, so open minded and so great. He was totally different from everybody there, and then I looked at his profile and I was surprised how cute he is and how popular he is, he has about 60.000 profile views...

Very mysterious and amazing person. With one word, surprising and fresh, yeah, fresh, that's the best adjective I could think off right now, he really gave me some belief in this gay world... I think I started to feel bit bitter like Mike :(

And it was late, we started talking about a lot of subjects, I can't tell you yet which ones, cause I first need to blog about them, but you will find out soon... And simply I couldn't stop, but we needed to go, cause I was waking up early and he had to work. I can't wait to talk to him tonight... :)
P.S. OMG, while I was typing this post, that person came online at that dating site, what a coincidence :P


Thursday, November 25, 2010

My life update – part 1

11/25/2010 08:32:00 PM
Let’s start. It’s about 8 PM right now.

I’m sitting here in this coffee shop, drinking my tea, looking around and watching these people. I feel like a stranger, cause really I’m a stranger. And not only because I'm "different", I simply feel like a stranger, when speaking mentally, I don’t connect with the most of these people here cause I think I’m misunderstood. It’s very fancy coffee shop and I can say very discreet and beautiful, small place where you can sit and enjoy your lonely time.

My friends from University just left to attend some scholar activities which includes singing and stuff like that, so I'm left here alone. I didn't go to my English class cause I really wanted a bit time to be alone and to write my blog. In past few days/weeks I was looking for loneliness cause I really need it, to clear my thoughts and to simply be alone, it’s my way to make it through. Me and Mike broke up and it really was hard for me, as far almost the hardest thing in my life. He hurt me on the most unbelievable way you can imagine and of course I didn’t expect it, I gave him everything and I expected (of course with caution) a lot from him, but still I was cautious, and thank God, but I’m mentally very strong or I would go mad by now. My heart is broken and I'm still emotionally stressed to write about this right now (at least to write about everything). With time you'll get the whole picture of the whole breakup, I think. It really is too complicated to explain it in just a few words. I got disappointed and not just by him, but with whole gay society here in my country. I can't describe it with any other adjective but "disgusting", in every meaning of that word. And I even have fears that anywhere in the world the situation is almost same or at least similar to this one.

Even in this coffee shop there was a few gay people, you can really tell that they are gay and I had noticed them a lot in this coffee shop, it's very near my department of University and there're really a lot of cute guys, too, to be honest, but of course, you can’t openly approach them, well, you can, but, honestly, I don’t have that much guts to do that. It isn’t dangerous (so you won’t get the wrong picture over my society), nor the people will do anything bad about that, but I think that I wouldn’t be able to handle the looks, the stare when everybody is looking at you and they simply know.

But even writing this is kinda risky, cause I feel that someone will read the words "gay" but I'm in a corner and no one can look at my screen, so it's safe. My city has about 2 million citizens, but still, it feels like really small city and if this guy next to me sees anything, who knows who knows him and to whom he can tell. And also, who knows will I even meet him in the future, cause like I said, I’m very social and maybe I can even meet him in some club. Sounds bit paranoid, but believe me, here, people talks a lot and you simply can’t know to who you can trust. And like I said, the world is really small, believe me. And the less people know about me, the better.

What can I tell you more? Oh, I didn't hear with Mike in 5 days. I'm only glad to see that he's alright and alive by his Facebook statuses and seeing him online at THE online gay dating site. I didn't see him in 7 days and I feel very strange about that thought. I miss him so very fucking much. But I need to stay away, because he will have a lot of problems with his new/old boyfriend. Also, I noticed that I can handle not to see him, even I’m used to him a lot, which is also strange. I thought that it will be even harder. It is hard, but not THAT hard. I have a lot of GOOD friends and the people who worth next to me and a lot of other activities who make me not to think about him and I'm grateful for that, even though it sounds bit harsh, and from this you can see that I'm bit mad at Mike, with reason, believe me...

We broke up almost three months ago and since then I tried to be there for him, cause he still has a lot of problems considering his parents, drugs, money and psychical state of his mind. Even though he hurt me like no one hurt me before, I still was there for him, and I wanted to do anything for him, but simply it's impossible to have me and to have Chris, his new boyfriend. And it’s simply impossible for me to be there with him, cause I’m still in love with him, and to watch how he is building his relationship with Chris, even though that I know that he won’t get attached to Chris that much, cause he’s cold, disappointed person, and he doesn’t trusts people that much anymore. He got disappointed first with his parents and family (which is serious thing), then with gays, then with friends and he became bitter, disappointed person. I sensed that in him and with joy (yeah, I know that it will sound egocentric, but simply it is true and everybody says that) I can tell that I brought him back a very tiny little bit and I’m so glad because of that, that’s why I wanted to stay next to him no matter what. He is really a great person, but still hidden deep down behind that bitter, disappointed, cold shell.

Oh my God, my thoughts are so confusing even for me, there’s so much I need to tell you and I simply don’t have time to tell you everything, so I will try to write and to tell the most important stuff and I hope that you will get the whole picture from it.

Okay, with this I’ll try to finish my post. One more thing, cause I’m a lot behind answering my questions on, I will add one question to every new post I make (and now I know that there will be a lot of posts in future times).

First unanswered question was some questions asked 6 months ago (somewhere in June or May I think):

Have you any plans for summer holidays? And will you go with Mike or rather alone (I mean with parents maybe or something)?

My previous answer while I was writing new blog post few months ago (while I was still with Mike and I didn’t managed to publish it) was: I had a lot of plans for summer, I planned to go somewhere abroad to work for a bit until the summer holiday is finished, and to make some money and to finally buy professional camera, but I couldn’t cause I was visited with some cousins and I couldn’t find anyone from my friends to go with me, so the whole summer time I stayed at my current city and enjoyed and developed my relationship with Mike.

My current answer is: SAME :) and plans for next summer are similar. I was planning to go somewhere together with Mike, but now that goal is kinda impossible, even though we also planned to go somewhere together as “friends” after we broke up. We wanted to work in a foreign country and to enjoy some other culture and another way of living, maybe a bit openly than this one. Who knows what will happen, but I will tend to accomplish my goal, I’m even applying for some agency that offers that kind jobs, and even Au Pair, if you know what is that. If you don’t know, please find out here. We’ll see. I simply won’t go with parents nowhere, we never go anywhere together, cause they are kinda old, maybe for a few days with mom to visit my aunt. Also, there’s option to go with my best friends from neighbourhood, for a few days of one week at the seaside. That’s all about my next summer.

OK, that’s all for now, thanks for reading, enjoy your day, and expect next post in couple of days or even in a couple of hours with all new details and happenings. You won’t get bored believe me.


Long time no see

11/25/2010 03:53:00 AM
Hello everybody, I missed you all very very much. I'm so glad to see that my blog is still followed and that I still have some visits. I'm so so sorry because I didn't updated in a very long time, I simply didn't have the need nor urge nor inspiration to write anything down, but now I want to update you with my life and to continue reading about yours (people who I'm following). A lot had happened and I experienced a huge amount of happenings in past six months. I can with certainty tell you that this period was my life changing period. You'll all see why...

From now on, the blog is again active, and now I have urge to write almost every day... Can't wait to start, I'll start tomorrow, right now I'm in my bed, ready to go to sleep, and tomorrow in coffee shop, you'll get the first post after long break (I don't know exactly how much have passed, but for me it feels like ages, dunno why)...

Thank you so much, to everybody who are reading these lines, it means a world to me...

Your's B.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

Two Month Update

8/05/2010 07:38:00 PM
It's been a long time. So much to tell you, so much to write and so much to relive again. I won't explain why I didn't write in such a long time, and it really doesn't matter, now I wish only to update my readers and this blog with my life and everything what happened during the period while I wasn't writing...
First things first, I wish to inform you that I'm still happy and that I'm still in a relationship with Mike. We are now almost three months together and it's been happy and the most amazing three months of my life... And I really mean this.

Second most important thing is that I finally found myself, considering sexuality, and now I openly can say that I'm a happy gay man and I'm PROUD of that, more than you can imagine. I thought that I'm bisexual cause in my country I've been taught that homosexuality is wrong, and it's not that accepted here, so for my brain and for me it was easier to accept me as a bisexual man, but after experiencing a lot of stuff I have experienced until now, you realise that you can't imagine youself doing that with a woman. And I decided that I won't label myself, for now I'm gay, and if it happens that I fall in love with woman than it's destiny and it's meant to be, I won't pressure myself about anything... For now, I'm happy with a man, a great man and I'm living almost the life I want to live.

After kissing a man and after hugging, cuddling, going out, hanging out, taking, watching his eyes, talking his hand, feeling his body next to me, I realised that I can't imagine myself doing that with a woman. I think that I will be capable to have sex with a woman, I can kiss them, I can do anything with them, but I and only I won't be furfilled inside. I had many woman in my life, I kissed a lot, and I really have a great straight reputation, but after kissing a guy, you realise that this is it, I felt different, and it was so amazing, so different and so RIGHT. I simply don't feel exaclty furfilled when I'm with a woman. It's so much better when you are with a guy, especially with a guy like Mike. I swear, if you see him one day, it will be on some newspaper magazine as some model. He's so hot and so cute and beautiful. And a lot of people say that he looks like Jay Sean, which is true and I will put the song in which they really look alike, all the moves, the face expressions and looks, simply the same. Even the style and everything. And I like to say to Mike that he doesn't look like Jay Sean... Jay Sean looks like Mike :)))

I simply don't know how that kind of guy fall for me. It's not like I don't have some good opinion about myself, but I always liked to be modest and imperceptible... A lot of people say I'm beautiful, cute and stuff like that, but simply, I don' (honestly) have that kind opinion about me, and while I'm with Mike, and while he says some stuff, that's slowly changing and I'm so glad because of that. I'm not egocentric, I'm just being realistic and to have a bit of selfconfidence is not that bad.

Ok, now where to start. It’s so hard. I don’t even know what I should write first. After and during my exams, and that was the whole June, we hanged out a lot, cause he’s usually free and doesn’t have obligations, long story and I’m not ready to talk about his personal life yet. Then, after my exams, my other apartment, which me and my family rent, was empty, cause the people who have lived there moved. So I took a chance and took the keys and moved there with Mike for a few days, and explanation to my parents was that I want to experience living by myself alone for a few day. And it was AMAZING. We were like 24 hours a day together. Living together, cuddling, watching movies, talking, making music, joking, making popcorns, making out, kissing, making love :-P and so much more. It was so nice that I can’t really express how much I enjoyed all that.

We don’t fight that much, I don’t know is that good or bad thing, cause you know, people in a relationship usually fight... I’m really easy tempered and really flexible he’s kinda short-tempered but I know how to tell him some stuff without making him pissed off and we both are getting used to that. We had our first fight, and we solved it soon after it arose. It was serious stuff, but we solved it on really adult way, cause it was his fault and he admit his mistake. He has huge problems considering his family and I tend to oppress him as lowest as possible and of course, trying to help him.

Enough about that. Now, you probably want to hear about us making love. It wasn’t only sex, it was an amazing feeling and amazing experience. I don’t know would I be able to do THE thing on any other way (by this I mean, if some emotions are not involved, I don’t know would I be capable of having sex with someone I don’t like or having sex no strings attached, and in Mike’s case – love). Yeah, about a few week ago, I realised I really love him, and now I'm searching for a way to tell him that. He's kinda difficult for that, and that is also a long story, so I won't torture myself writing about that yet, I'll take it slow.

We tried everything. I was bottom, he was bottom, he orally satisfied me and I orally satisfied him (and man, he does that so amazing) and this time I really enjoy it. He turns me on like no one before him and he says that I turn him on also, I don’t know how much, but I know and I feel I do :-P And he's such a GREAT kisser. :)

Now - outing part. He met May and she liked him so so so much and Mike liked her and he was amazed how she's so normal and thinks so normally about our relationship. He told his best friend and his best friend (it’s a girl) is now my alibi for my friends. She’s like my girlfriend, and when I’m with Mike, for my friends I’m with (oh, shit I need to think of a name, okay, let’s call her – Emma), so when I'm with Mike I'm "with" Emma. Okay, so for my friends who don’t know about my sexuality I’m with her, dating her, and even for my parents, I told them so I can easy go to the downtown without being asked the strangest questions you will even hear. But later, cause me and Mike has a strange schedule, they are having a lot of me-not-liking-that-girl, typical parents, so I think that I will soon break-up with Emma (hypoteticly for my friends so they won't bore me that much about meeting her and my parents won't be that against her), and from that moment, whenever I go in city and outside I will go with some friends or with a friend (referring to Mike). It will be so much more easier, cause my parents are sometimes really hard and complicated, and now I live for day when I will move. I know that this is kinda harsh, but it’s so much psychical pressure on me.

And now, about telling friends. After realizing that I’m gay I decided to tell a few more friends, close friends. Right now, May isn’t the only one who knows. First, I told one of my best friends, we’ll call him David. Well, I have never had a chance to write about my childhood friends, and I should have done that long time ago, cause they are a huge and really important part of my life and I have started a post million times, but I have never finished it. So, now you’ll meet a few of them, but it will be very brief and not full with details, because our relationship is so complex and so long. For example, I know David for 12 years, which is a very long time. By the way, that childhood friends are from neighbourhood. We went to the same school (Elementary) together, and with one of them I went to a same high school.

One night, me and my friends from childhood and neighbourhood were hanging out at a friend’s house (he was home alone). Our neighbourhood circle of friends count 8 people, 9 with me and we usually hang out during night, after school and all day obligations, talking, chilling and just having fun. I love them so much and we are so much different, but still we are great friends, and I’m so thankful to God because I have them. They mean to me a lot. I have been thinking a lot about telling them, cause I feel all the time like lying to them about myself. Cause, this feelings I have is simply ME, and no one can change that and if I want to have honest and more better relationship with them, I would really like to tell them everything and I would really like them to understand and to accept me like this. So, I won’t talk about them individually, only few details about David. 

All in all, I don’t think that most of them won’t understand this, cause they didn’t reach that level of maturity. I don’t say for myself that I’m so much mature, but simply, when you know someone for 12 years, you know how someone is thinking and you know everything about them. His/her moves, thoughts, behavior, desires, fears, weakness, thoughts about homosexuality etc. So, to a lot of them I can’t tell YET, but I will when I feel the right moment and when I feel that they have open mind for that. Maybe they won't understand that in the start, but after I explain how I felt and what I have experienced, they will.

Ok, let’s get back to David. Oh, and one more fact. We are always together, as a circle of friends, we don’t have two and two who are closer, we are all close. So, it’s really rare to be alone with David or any other and that night we were. It was late and me and him walked home, while the rest of friends stayed in the house of that home alone friend. And after talking to him (just 2 minutes after leaving the house) – I simply felt it, I can tell David. And I wanted to tell him. And I felt so nervous, like never before.

We walked and I asked him: “David, if I told you something and if I ask from you not to tell anyone (meaning our circle of friends), will you do that for me”? David is so good person and he simply can’t refuse someone, and cause I know that me being gay is not even on the corner of his mind, I knew it that he thought about something totally different and totally not-that-serious. Then he said: “I hate when you all do that to me, but okay, tell me, I won’t tell, but I will try later to convince you to tell others.” Then we started to walk around the neighbourhood and I started to talk about something that I have been living my whole life and that it started around when we were seventh grade and blah blah blah. And then I said that maybe it’s better that I don’t tell him but then he persisted and was really interested when I mentioned seventh grade, cause it started long time ago. And then I after few more riddles and two-meaning stories I told him: “Listen, I’m in this relationship almost a month, not two weeks… and Maria (I told them that the girl name is Maria, back then I didn’t have plan with Emma yet) doesn’t exist, but there is someone else…”

And then he realised, he’s so smart and was like: “Wait, wait wait wait wait, you want to tell me that you are… wait wait wait wait wait wait…. you mean, like… g… wait wait wait wait… like g... g... gay.” And I simply said: “Yes.” And then he was shocked… And I started talking immediately and explain him what have I did since I realised and a lot of stuff that was strange for them finally got sense. Like when I end up in hospital when I drink too much and that was only cause D. was next to me and I was drinking with him, and later both me and D. end up in hospital (it was almost three years ago) or when I run away on some party to meet up with Mike, or my strange behaviour when we were at the seaside last year. And his first reaction after wait wait wait was: "That's so messed up because of your parents and living life... It will be so hard... Having kids and stuff like that..." He's such a good friend. And he immediately agreed not telling others YET :) He realised that THIS is serious.

And then our conversation progressed until 5 AM (and we left friend house about 2 AM), and we simply talked and talked and I was really stunned with his reaction, cause I expected his rejection and he took this really good. I talked him about Mike, about V. and about this (meaning homosexuality) being NORMAL and about everything and finally for the first time in my whole life, I felt so relieved and so amazing toward David, I felt totally open and totally like he’s my REAL friend, and because of moments like this I’m grateful for having them in my life. And then, after releasing that we need to go home, and when we were ending our conversation, I asked him my fear: “Well, and now don’t be afraid if I touch you or anything, you know, I have never watched any of you on THAT way, I'm still me…” And he was: “OMG, B. are you crazy… I know you my whole life… See…” and he touched me and I smiled and realised how stupid my conclusion was.
But, you know here in my country, a lot of people are so homophobic, that probably they would not even want someone gay touch them.
And then I asked him did he ever had thoughts like this in his entire life and he said: "No." so that was the last puzzle in accepting my homosexuality, it's not a phase, it's only me. I felt free, and right now I feel so free and finally AMAZING about myself.

Then, tomorrow morning, Mike was visiting me and I told him about telling David and later I even called David to come to meet Mike and Mike was surprised how good he was and how good he accepted all this and I felt amazing.

After that, me and David were going a few times over at Emma’s house to hang out with Mike and Emma and David asked me a lot of questions and he really took this GREAT and I'm so glad because of this. I was honest for the first time in my life toward him and that feeling also felt amazing, cause I knew from moment I came out to him that I can tell him anything and not be afraid… 

And oh yeah, after Mike told Emma about him, she also told him about an affair going on between her and her best friend, Jessica. She told him that she don’t feel lesbian and she’s not attracted by other women, only by Jessica and they really have something SPECIAL. And Jessica found about us (Emma told her, which I understand, but that pissed Mike a bit) and we even went to a party together at Jessica’s house. And there is so many details I would like to tell you right now, but Mike is maybe coming over soon to hang a bit and it’s kinda bit hard to write so much details in English, so I’ll stop now and I will write the second part soon, about telling two of my girl friends from the same circle of friends. And that happened not that long ago.

And one more thing for the end. I decided that I will tell my parents for sure one day, cause I don’t want to hurt them not knowing why I left home one day, but that day will be after I gain my full financial independency, which will be I hope and think in about 4-5 years. I have big plans about going from my country and I will tend to fulfill that wishes and dreams.

Thanks for reading and see you soon. Hope you enjoyed. I missed you all, my readers, my blog, my online friends and my blogosphere… 

Feel free to ask me more questions HERE, more detailed questions about all this past period while I was away, cause I don’t know exactly what interest you, so if you want to ask anything and I mean ANYTHING, please ask, so I will answer all my not answered questions from Ask Me Anything and new one soon.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Answers to Questions: MAY

6/01/2010 02:18:00 PM
Q: So if size doesn't matter, care to tell how big your (penis) size is? ;-) In inches and cm. Of course you're not obligated to actually answer this, lol.

A: This was really unusal question, but I will answer it... It was asked at the beginning of May and I needed to take my measure and I really didn't do that in a while... So, I measured it today and it's 17 cm long, which is around 6,6929 inches if my convertor on mobile phone is correct. I hope that you are satisfied :)

Q: Could you say me, I mean us what is that name of this date site, 'cause I see, there're ordinary ppl too(I mean that they arent talking ab wanking etc.) Thx ;)

A: Okay, I will tell you... The site where I met Mike and other guys I talked and I wrote at my blog is called Gay Romeo... and the URL is Go, visit them, it's nice site and I really met some nice people over there... But also, beware, there is a lot of creepy people and a lot of people who are talking about wanking and fucking and stuff, but there is "normal" people too, I mean, the ones who want something more, not only quick sex. You won't find me there anymore, lol, I deleted my profile, well, me and Mike deleted both profiles... :P

Q: Do you prefer being a top or a bottom and why?

A: I have never tried neither, so I can't really tell... But I would like to try both, why not, I can imagine myself in both position. And I know that Mike would also try both and that's so sweet and nice and I don't want to be strictly top nor bottom, I would like to be both. That's what being gay is all about :P

Q: Have you made love to Mike yet? If not, when is the big day coming?

A: No, I haven't made love with him yet :)... It's bit complicated, cause he's never alone at home and we can't relax enough to try it, and neither am I, I mean, home alone, only for few hours, which is not enough, cause we want to be relaxed and to spent whole day in each others arms :D... And our relationship is really starting to be amazing and so beautiful. When we come to this sex part, I simply KNOW that it will be so special and so nice and so "with love" :) it won't be just sex, it will be "making love" and I can't imagine it being the other way, I don't like meaningless sex... We aren't rushing things, and that's what I like about this relationship the most... We are taking spontanious and slowly and that's the best way for being in relationship. So, the answer to the second part of this question is: I don't know when the big day is coming, but I know that it will be soon, probably, we aren't planning anything... And when it happens, you will be informed, no worries ;)

That's all for now, thanks for reading... Feel free to ask more questions here: ASK ME ANYTHING... I will gladly answer them... I will try to make another post today to fill you up with more details happening in my life in these past few days...

Take care,


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

:) :D :P

5/18/2010 12:26:00 PM
Forget the previous post, everything is okay now :) I was on date yesterday with Mike and I enjoyed his company so much and I could felt it that he enjoyed mine and later he even told me that on MSN...

We went to my favourite café because the weather was really shitty (and it still is :'( ) but we talked and talked and forget about other people around us. One of the most important things I like about this café is that it doesn't have a lot of visitors (cause it's some combination of cinema with café and people just enter the cinema and the café is empty even though it looks so amazing and so peaceful and really nice, comfy). I feel relaxed out there, so I can talk freely, because you know as a closeted boy living in a homophobic nation you need to pay attention who is listening and who is around and stuff like that, and it really is hard, especially now, when I'm with another guy...

So, let's go back to the story, we talked and hanged around for 3 hours and like I said before, I like him more and more with every second spent with him. He surprises me a lot in the process of getting to know him. He's so intelligent, mature and funny and so freaking hot... :-)

Later we wanted to go to the cinema, but the projection was too late, so we didn't go, but for sure we will go at our next date...

Then we went to the bus station, and he waited my bus with me, cause his bus goes more often than mine. It was sweet from him... And then my bus came and I was talking something and he was like: "I haven't listen anything to you now, some thought crossed my mind"... and I needed to hurry for the bus so I didn't get to ask him there what it was. We simply shook hands and looked at each other with "the" look... and I simply went to my bus and he entered his.

Then, we were texting each other on our way to home and when I and he entered the house we immediately went on MSN to chat and he told me that the thought which slipped his mind was how THIS (gay dating) should be normal and he wanted to say "good bye" on RIGHT way. And the same thought crossed my mind while I was entering in the bus and while I was traveling to meet him. I mean, we shook hand and simply said "see ya" which is kinda not enough. I would jump at him and kiss him passionately every time I see him, but I can't :-( This is the worst part of homophobic society, no physical contact in public (not even a holding hands), we are acting like we are friends, while we both want something more...

And then we continued our conversation over the MSN and it really felt amazing. He told me million times that he likes me and that he had great time and stuff like that and he calls me "his boyfriend" so now it's official. That's why I told you to forget the last post :-) ...
We were chatting until 3 AM, and I needed to make some break cause I was studying (I have some test today and I'm also writing this during my break from studying) but I didn't want to go off the MSN...

And one thing amazes me the most and it's so nice and it suits me a lot... In the conversation, when we mentioned friends and talking about someone, he's like: "You will meet him for sure someday, he is so amazing"... even though that friend is in Australia right now... and he will stay there for at least a year. So, the conclusion is, he wants something really long term... And that is really so sweet and so amazing and I like it... A LOT! :D

OMG, I think that I'm slowly falling in love and I'm so glad because of it... For the first time, I will get the same feeling in return... :) (I hope for that)...

And like wayner said: the great summer is slowly approaching... Can't wait! And I'm soon over with my college and I can't wait to go on summer break, to relax and to enjoy my time with Mike.

I'm seeing him tomorrow, he's coming over at my place, I'm home alone in the morning from 6 AM until 2 PM and he will go out somewhere with his sister tonight and he will come directly from nightlife to my place. Can't wait! I want to kiss him so bad... And oh, I forgot to mention one fact about him. He's so fucking, freaking AMAZING KISSER :)

OK, I'm going back to study a bit more... Wish me luck on today's test, I really need it, cause I didn't study that hard... :-)

Thanks for reading and for all the previous comments, it really means a world to me to read them... Take care!
B. :-) :-) :-)


Monday, May 17, 2010

New Boyfriend

5/17/2010 12:30:00 PM
Boyfriend... Wow, this really starts to sound really amazing and nice and I'm getting used to it and I like it a lot :)

I haven't been blogging for some time, again... Shame on me... Sorry... And I have huge news... I'm with new boy, yeah, it's Mike and today is exactly one week being in a relationship with him.

We are taking it really slow and he's for now really great and I'm starting to care for him more and more from day to day. I'm bit scared of losing him like I lost V. cause he also seems cold sometimes and I even think that maybe problem is in me. We'll see... It seems that I'm giving more than receiving, meaning on emotions and stuff like that, and I'm scared that I don't do something what will scare him away. As for him, he didn't stop texting me, like V. did, and he tells me that he likes me and wishes me good nights and stuff like that (shortly said, he seems that he also cares about me), and we hear with each other everyday, even though I saw him last time in Wednesday. But in some moments, he seems distant... I need to talk to him about this, but not yet, maybe things will change...

We are supposed to hang out today in the city for a while, even though the weather is so shitty, there's a lot of wind and it rains like crazy... I don't know what is wrong with weather. Only one week ago it was 27 degrees (Celsius) and you could walk in your shorts down the streets and now I need my winter jacket :-( I hate when the weather is shitty... It's supposed to be summer soon...

Okay, that's all for now, only quick update, thanks for reading and for following...

I remind you that you can ask me any question at Ask Me Anything site or at the right of this blog using the form provided... I have 3 questions for now which I will answer at the end of May... Thanks for asking and I expect some more... Remember, it's called Ask Me ANYTHING!!! :P

Take care,


Monday, May 3, 2010

First Gay Break Up

5/03/2010 04:34:00 PM
First, a huge apologise for not posting in a while, honestly I didn't have the inspiration to write and I noticed that my English became ever rustier than before, and yes, I was lazy...

I will be quick, this will be a quick update, cause I'm bit tired and bored and I would like to lay down on my bed for a moment after publishing this.

I broke up with V. Well, he broke up with me, we were together for only two weeks and we were talking to each other a lot more... He broke up with me because of my physical looks and because he didn't felt that this relationship will be for long time, he searches for something else. He's kinda hyper and unstable and he wants someone who will make him calm :-) and he doesn't like the fact I'm bit unexperienced. There is maybe something else, I can feel it, but he didn't told me. Maybe I was boring to him or something, dunno, and now I don't care. He told me that I was great and very dear person and we stayed in touch... From now on we are friends :-) and I'm fine by that. He's a good person, when he wishes to be, and I don't regret anything doing with him. We didn't came to sex part, but we tried oral sex for a short time, and I don't like it. It was fun kissing a boy and I liked it... I'm grateful to him for opening this chapter of my life and for being good, slow and honest from the start. I'm really satisfied with my first gay experience... and I feel more free... and liberated...

And now disclaimer for my physical looks. I'm not that bad. I'm bit skinny, true, and not in shape now, but he wanted someone with more muscles and stuff like that, and I understood him. I had better body one year ago, when I was training actively and when I was going in gym, but now, after a year of drinking and not doing anything with exercises I get rusty... But I started going to pool and doing my swimming hours two times a week (omg, I missed swimming A LOT and I really enjoyed swimming last week) and I'm planning to start with gym soon. I regularly ride my bike and I think that I'm very athletic, but obviously not enough for V.

Well, I'm not that down because he broke up with me for such a stupid reason, I was down cause I get easily attached to people and usually get hurt, and I know that I need to be careful to whom I'm giving my heart, but I don't care, I usually see good in people and I'm very optimistic and happy person. I was hurt a lot of times before and I'm ready to be hurt again. V. hurt me, because I was starting to fall in love with him, or maybe I was just thinking that I started to fall in love with him, cause he was my first experience and I was kinda only excited cause I will be with a guy and was blinded by that. I knew it from the beginning that he's kinda "difficult" personality, but I was ignoring that but in the same time, I was preparing myself for this break up cause I knew that it will come to this, from the start, but I had hopes that everything will be okay. And all became clear to me when I cooled down from V.

Now, after few days of moaning, I'm okay and I started chatting with Mike again, and soon after breakup, in the moment of sadness I tried to get over V. by meeting up in person with Mike... And I did meet Mike in person, and OMG, I stopped thinking about V. after seeing Mike approaching and offering his hand for handshake... Then I saw Mike one more time, two days ago after some clubbing and we became really close, even though we know each other for such a short time (chatting more than two months online) and after two "dates"... At our first date, after only two minutes, I had a feeling that I know him for a very long time. And the story kinda has sense when you know what we both experienced, but I can't reveal that details yet. He's so FREAKING cute!!! And hot and good person, and I really like him.

I know, I'm maybe a bitch and mean person, because after two days from my breakup I ended meeting another guy, but V. get over me even sooner, I noticed that he was logged on that dating site few days before we "officially" broke up even though we agreed that we won't go on that site and we won't meet with another people. But never mind now... I still have good thoughts about him... He is difficult and different person from me, but I understand him and I still care about him (now as friends)...

Okay, and btw, today is Mike's birthday, he's officially 21... :-) And we are texting each other like crazy... I think that this relationship or something will be way more better than mine and V.'s... I like Mike more as a person... V. was just my punching step into gay world, and that's why I cared a lot about him, probably...

That will be all for now... Thanks for reading... I'm hoping that you are doing great, too...?!

I decided that I will be answering the questions differently from now on (I mean on 'Ask Me Anything' posts). I will answer all questions asked for example in April at the beginning of May in one single post, and so on...

Take care and be safe...
P.S. Sorry because there is no any hot pictures, but I really don't have time to put them now... :-)


Monday, April 19, 2010

Answers to Questions

4/19/2010 04:38:00 PM
Q: Whats your favorite pizza topping? I'm personally a plain old cheese guy :)
A: Pizza topping? Well, I have never thinked about that... We have some topping called beef salad and I usually put that.

Q: 1. What do you wear to bed? 2. Describe your ideal guy in as much detail as possible. 3. Same as #2, except ideal woman instead. 4. Any sexual fantasies? If so, describe them.
A: 1. Pijamas, lol, yeah, I know, but only when it's cold and it's winter. During summer, I sleep in boxers and half naked.

2. He's tall, about my height, I don't like too much short nor too much taller than me. He shouldn't be fat nor feminized, I like muscule guys, not too much, just to be deffined and that I can see his muscles... Sport guy. I would like that he's smart, talkative, outgoing, funny and beautiful. I'm searching for someone to be my support and the guy who will always be there for me, to talk to me, to understand me, to be with me. I have never thought about hair nor eyes colour. But that's not that importrant. If I feel comfortable next to a guy, then that is it :P I hope that you are satisfied.

3. She's shorter than me. Hot. She's not fat. She's beautiful, has full lips, good breasts, a line, meaning, she's attractive. I prefer longer hair and not too much makeup, as natural as possible. I like dark hair more then bright colours. I would like that she's also funny, outgoing, not too shy, talkative. That she understands me and that she's my support and my shelter. I would like to go to the seaside with her and to enjoy life with her. I will give her the same... But, I will repeat same as with boys, if I feel comfortable nexto to a girl, then that is it.

And to be honest, I have never felt comfortable next to a girl, well, at least I realised that when I made out with V. It was better than making out with a girl, even though I didn't do it too many times. Maybe it's like that cause I have some blockade in my head, cause I have „secret“ thoughts about guys and V. knows about it, so I feel more relaxed with him than with a girl.

4. I have already described this... Read my "Perfect Day" fantasy HERE.

Q: What're the top 5 countries (that you haven't already been to) that you'd most want to visit?
A: United Kingdom
United States
Holland or Netherlands

And hopefully, I will visit first two in next two years, you will be informed probably. I love to travel and I have travelled a lot. OMG, I would like so much to apply for "The Amazing Race", I love that show, as you probably noticed...

Q: Hmmm, any question eh? Are you uncut or cut? Are most guys where you live uncut/cut? What're your thoughts on it all?
A: I'm uncut and in my country most guys are uncut. And my thoughts about this is that I like uncut guys more. It's more natural and I don't know, I think that it's healthier if you wash yourself regulary, cause when you cut, your head of a penis is exposed and this as the most sensitive part of your body, it can't be that good to be constantly stroken in the pants and stuff. And it's probably easier to masturbate when you are uncut :-)

Q: what type of boys do you like?
A: I have already answer this, look above... I like boys/guys/men who are boy/guy/men, not feminised or guys acting like girls. If you are a man, be a man! I don't have anything against femisied boys, it is your own choice, but my personal taste is like this. I don't like that, I'm not attracted to that...

Q: I love you man. Do you have a lot of gay friends? How do you know them in your country?
A: I don't have any gay friends (meaning close friends) in my real life (or maybe I have, but I'm not aware that they are gay), cause it's really hard to know them in my country. I met with Ian and I thought that we will stay friends. We chat from time to time, but we didn't see each other in ages. I have few online friends, who I met throught this blog. That's all! And the only way how you can get to know someone gay is through dating site or if you are openly gay, which I'm not, and I don't act like gay, I don't go out at gay clubs and stuff like that. It's really hard. I would like to have someone to share my thoughts and just to talk. That's also one of the reasons why I started with this blog.

Q: i love you.
A: :$ :$ :$ :$

Q: Do you any interest exept sex?
A: Okay, to be honest, I didn't understand question. If it is "Do you have any interest except sex?" the answer is „yes, of course!“... I'm searching for everything considering relationship (dating, going out, hanging out, talking etc.), and I have million hobbies... I'm planning to finish school and to find my job and to live life. :-)

Q: Have you always had the certainty of your sexal orientation?
A: No... I had some suspisions when I was about 13, 14 but as I said million times before, I felt really uncomfortable and really unnormal, cause I'm raised in conservative society. I accepted my sexuality and the possability of having sexual orientation other than heterosexual when I turned 17. From that until now, a lot have happened and I consider now myself NORMAL... And I decided that I won't label myself. So, I'm "different" from the major part of our society, I like both men and women. Maybe I'm gay or bi, but for now, I won't label myself, until I fully discover myself...

Thanks all... Thank you so much for asking these questions... And sorry if I'm bit late with the answers, that's why I'm publishig all the answers in one single post.

Feel free to ask me more... This is nice way to comunicate with my readers. (Ask me Anything)

Be safe and take care,


Friday, April 16, 2010


4/16/2010 10:21:00 PM
I didn't see him whole day, cause he had to be at some birthday and I was busy whole day, but I felt butterflies whole day in my tummy while thinking about him and the previous day... I almost forgot how this feeling is so freaking amazing. :))) We are texting each other a lot and we talked on the phone... We will meet tomorrow again and he told me that he would like to see me, but he can't get out of the party, cause the girl who is celebrating birthday is his good friend, even though we were planning and texting about seeing each other for at least half an hour. And I want to see him so bad...

Here's one picture for you, this one reminds me of yesterday... Yeah, we were in similar position yesterday, well, almost the same position, omg :)))))...

And I'm listening to 3 Doors Down the whole day, so here's one song which I really like...
P.S. Now I saw video, it's bit creepy, cause I didn't have that in my mind, but listen to the words, I really like them:

Lately i'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Just let me be myself
So i can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you let me be myself

That's all I've ever wanted from this world
Is to let me be me


Thursday, April 15, 2010

I Kissed A Boy...

4/15/2010 11:49:00 PM

I'm still under shock. A lot had happened, and I still need to process everything which happened today... I just come back into my house and I'm still in shock... :)

It didn't happen on cinema date, and yeah, it's obvious, it's V. OK I will tell you everything shortly, well, shortly as I can, and sorry cause there is no pictures, I really can't put them now, I'm so excited :-)...

We went to the cinema two days ago, and the movie wasn't that good. I, as Greek mythology geek, didn't like it... We were watching "Clash of the Titans". I expected more, honestly. It was okay and effects were amazing, but still, it wasn't that good, and to be honest I was next to him and I was thinking of doing something and I was waiting in the same moment that he do something. But nothing happened, well, we were "different" guys in the full cinema, so nothing could happen expect some touch and that kind of things... So nothing happened that day and later when we went back home, we had some flirty texting and messages, and it really was good. Tomorrow (yesterday), we didn't saw each other but we were texting each other, and cause I'm this week home alone from 12 PM until 4 PM (cause my parents were working this week in different times and I was alone for about 4 hours, father works from 1PM until 8PM and mom from 8AM until 3PM), and it was somewhere about 3:30 PM and I told him as a joke to come fast, we have 30 minutes left :) (cause my mom returns somewhere around 4 PM), but it was only joke... And then, I really invited him to come tomorrow (well, it wasn't that direct, but I really can't explain how it happened, but this is the point), which is today. Then, I had some drinking party with my best friends in the evening, but that part isn't that important, things went out of control and the evening ended around 3 AM, and I didn't drink that much, which was good, cause I get fully sober in the morning and I was ready for arrival of V.

He came exactly around 12 PM, shortly after my dad went out of house. V. was in my house and we were talking and talking and talking and then we came to some awkward part with some flirting and I was kinda really, well, not confused, but I felt kinda weird, cause I knew it that we are going to kiss each other, but I'm the one who never knows when is THE moment, you know, but he was like: "Let's do it now!" and we simply come closer to each other and kissed on my couch, in my own living room. At first, it was weird, but it felt so GOOD! And then we were coddling and he was making fun of me, cause my heart was beating like crazy, cause I was really excited and maybe scared and feeling weird. But I WASN'T confused!!! I wanted this, I wanted to kiss him, and I wanted to coddle with him... And I don't know exactly how much time have passed, but, I didn't care, and I know that it wasn't too long, cause shortly after that we went to my room...

Later, we went to my room, on my OWN bed and we were making out! It was so hot! He was so hot! He was so relaxed! He throw me on the bed and lay down on me and kissed me. And that felt even better than AMAZING! I don't know how to say it, but you'll get the point. He was really gentle and slow, cause he knew that it was my first time kissing some man. It was really weird at the beginning but I get used to it really fast and relaxed. We took our shirts off and we were making out half naked...

Then, somewhere around 3 PM we finished, dressed ourselves and went out of the house, cause I was meeting with some girl friend around 6 PM... And then the stuffs went back to normal... We were "just" friends on the street. No one could tell that we were kissing each other only 5 minutes ago. And I was bit scared because of the neighbours, because of the windows, but I didn't care later. I decided that I won't be paranoid...

We went to the city, downtown and we were hanging out in some cafe, he was making me company, while I was waiting a friend to finish with classes. He was so sweet and tired, cause he was studying a lot last night and he woke up early to come at my place. He was so cute. We were eating and drinking and later we separated, by hand shake, a bit longer then usual and with some endearment :-)

And I met my friend, and she was talking and talking and talking, cause she's really talkative and we didn't see each other in very long time, but I didn't listen to her so carefully... I was somewhere else! In the clouds...

I went back home, and while traveling, I wrote a message to Alex (and remember, V. knows that I had some conversation with Alex) and I told him honestly that SOMETHING happened and that I will probably continue with that and that I will see him (if I see him) only as friends, without expectations and false hope, and that I'm only doing this because I promised him, and he was like: "You are doing this only if you wish this, not for me" and we decided that we won't meet tomorrow, and he later told me that I'm okay and nice and he really appreciate that I told him honestly this and I really wanted to be honest, cause I don't want to fool around, when I'm now in the beginning of a relationship (I think :P I didn't talk about that part with V.), but Alex was okay with it and then I told V. that I "don't have a date" with Alex... and now.... I'm writing this post and talking on the phone with May :-)

Interesting day, no doubt that... Am I in dream? And to be honest one more time, this day was better then any fantasy I have ever had... He's perfect! We were doing all the stuffs I and he liked, with all that hugging and kissing nipples and with poses and cuddling and ... I'm still really excited... :)))))) and happy!

He just wished me good night :-)... And it's really late and I need to go... OMG!


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My Spring Break and Date With V.

4/13/2010 02:47:00 PM
I come back from my trip yesterday. It was amazing, even though I was with a girl who I know only for 6 months... But she was really good company and we really become close friends after this trip.

Nothing special happened, I wasn't that much alone and I didn't wanted to try anything with some guy, cause she doesn't know about me. But I felt free and I was able to watch other guys directly in the eyes without a fear and I was surprised how many views I got in return... The country is really gay-friendly and the guys are really hot :-) If I were with May or alone, definitely something would happen. I just remembered when the friend was buying the toothbrush in the store, and the guy who was working there and I think that he was gay, meaning he was dressed and he's bit a metrosexual. I mean, he wasn't feminine (feminized or whatever it's spelled) or anything (and just for the record, I don't like that feminine acting and that kind of stuff), but I simply felt that he's gay, so I think that my gaydar or whatever it's called isn't that bad :-). He looked at me and I was looking at him and we felt the vibe and it was amazing feeling :)))) We both smiled at each other and my friend didn't notice anything, she was all into the toothbrush and stuff she forgot to bring :P He was really good looking and I even thought few times to go back to that store :)

One time while I was alone, I even walked down the street toward gay village, but it was really late and I didn't have buses and metro later to come back to the hotel and the city is not that safe during the night, so I needed to go... But I noticed two hot guys sitting on the bench near that village in some small park and they were talking and watching each other with love, and they were really close and it really looked like flirting and a date, it was really romantic atmosphere all around and if I had a camera (OMG, I need professional camera really soon :'(, I want to start with photography) I would capture that amazing moment, but my normal (crappy) camera was in the hotel, so I couldn't even capture some crappy picture and I didn't wanted to pull out my mobile phone, cause it will be weird taking the picture, it would be really obvious, while with camera you can do some voyeur pictures easily. I was alone with them in that park, so I enjoyed the moment while I was passing by and I went to the next bus station.

Next time, I'm going straight into the village and you will see amazing pictures... :-)

So, nothing special happened, the guy from that country who I met online at THE dating site ditched me cause he is in a relationship and he didn't wanted to go for a coffee. I understand, so my potential holiday date failed... But I didn't care, I mean, I understood him and I just enjoyed my relaxing time with a friend and to be honest, I didn't want to try anything there cause you know, three guys were waiting me in my city. I even wanted to meet up with this guy only as a friends, and that's all, I didn't expected anything, I like making new friends. But nothing happened, who knows why is this good. There is a reason for everything.

BUT, the most amazing thing happened when I come back. I went on a date with V.... YEAH! I know that it's all of a sudden, and it really happened fast, but I will explain it to you. After coming back from a trip, I laid down to rest after exhaustion from the travel and while I was on my trip I was all the time in a contact with V., we were texting each other a lot and it really was good. So when I woke up, somewhere in the afternoon, we were chatting on the MSN and he needed to go out with some friend to the downtown. And then all of a sudden, he asked me what will I do that night, yesterday, and I was like: "Nothing" and he simply asked if I want to come to the downtown, and we met each other in the center after his coffee with a friend and it was AMAZING! He looks even better than on a picture and he's hot and well built (he goes to the gym) and he's really outgoing. I loved that! I'm also very outgoing and we really "clicked"... We are really alike and we talked like 2 hours and it felt like it passed only 5 minutes, it wasn't boring at all, I lost the sense of time. He's so intelligent and talkative and cute. Has a wonderful smile and you know, I already told you, his sexy voice, lol. I really liked him and I think that he liked me, too. Later, after a date and coming back home, we talked again on MSN and he told me that I look even better in person than on pictures, and that's really nice comment, cause I know that I'm not photogenic person which means that if someone liked me on the pictures, he/she will like me even more in the person... I hate to be photographed, but I love photography and taking pictures :)

And I really felt the vibe from him, we were kinda flirting and stuff, and then all of a sudden in a middle of a talk about movies he told me if I want to go to a cinema sometimes, and I was like "of course" and later he told me that he wanted to watch the movie as soon as it comes out in theaters cause he's also Greek mythology freak as me, and then he asked me: "How about tomorrow?" (which is today) and I was like "OMG" and I accepted, I want to see him so bad again, and after a date he was really talking a lot about second date and "the next time" and stuff like that. That's why I think that he liked me. So, I'm going to meet him in about 2 hours, we will take a walk in the city and later we are going to watch "Clash of the Titans"... Can't wait!!! Wish me luck, who knows what will happen in the dark... Kidding, we are taking it slow ;)...


Sunday, April 4, 2010

Spring Break Trip

4/04/2010 04:43:00 PM
This will also be a quickie, I just want to inform you that from tomorrow I will be on my holiday/trip for seven days for Spring Break.

I'm traveling outside my country with only one friend, and SHE doesn't know about my sexuality. It will be very awkward cause we are both in the same room, and we know each other for like 6 months, which is not that much. And she's really hot, but I will try to control myself, hahaha, kidding. A lot of other people wanted to go, but they bailed us slowly because of their obligations, someone has late exams, someone has problems with passport and so on, and in the end, that left us with only me and this girl friend.

I'm going to a very beautiful and VERY old city with great history and culture, that's all what I'm saying... :-)

If I get a chance to be myself for some time, I will try to go to some gay club, cause this country is gay-friendly, they even have gay village, and it's very near our hotel :-)

Also, I will try to figure out what I will do with those three guys from previous post, I really need a break, and this trip will be awesome for that, but as far as I'm concerned, the best choice is V. guy (like Ethan said... Thanks, mate, for advice and sharing this opinion, I also feel that way :D, but still I feel some affection with Alex and with Mike, too... Mike is totally confused, but still really good and caring, I can see that)... Yesterday, I talked with Alex a bit, and I clearly told him that I have problem with his age (I didn't mention the looks cause I don't want to have definite opinion about that before meeting him in person, maybe that boldness looks good on him)... So, we are going to have a date on 13th of April, only one day after I'm back from my trip. And I forgot to say, and I noticed in your comments that it's a big deal. He's not OUT, he doesn't even have gay friends, and no one knows about him. When I think that way, I come out to May that I'm "different" and I met Ian, who become a friend of mine, so basically, I'm even more "out" than him. V. and Mike are not out of the closet, too. And I like that, we are really same, everyone here is.

Okay, I'm going to finish with my packing... I will have Internet access there, I won't bring my laptop, we have free Internet cafe in the hotel, but I don't know will I blog from there, or I will, but the posts will be short and fast, cause of the friend, I don't want to leave her too long alone. And I will blog if anything interesting for this blog happens :D

Take care, and big hug for you all! (wow, I'm such a gay lol)


Friday, April 2, 2010

The Dating Problems And Again Simone

4/02/2010 11:57:00 PM
:) I'm back, and I'm finally on holiday (for Easter and for Spring Break)... I'm free until 25th of April and I will use this holiday to travel, study (catch up with my subjects) and to enjoy my time with some guy, probably.

As you all know, I hang around on some dating site a lot, which is kinda bad and disgusting sometimes, but what can I do... I don't have any other way to find someone, I mean gay/bi person... I will explain you the "system" of this site.

You have the profile with some information of you... If you want to be "ranked" higher, you need to put some picture... I have some partly nude photo of my torso. Then you find someone by selecting criteria, and that's basically all. And there is even a age limit, but that no one reads there. You got a message from 30 and 40 year-olds and that's kinda too sick, and their offers are really disgusting... I don't even have words to describe how I feel about that, but I kinda expected that... But with time you get used to that and you simply write down: 'Not interested' or 'No' and everything is fine.
Generally speaking, everyone there from my country is looking for "non-fem", "normal", "interesting" persons, even though the one who are looking for that are for example fem. What an irony!
Then because messaging system is kinda slow, but still very nicely done, everyone is asking for MSN, to chat more instant... And yeah, you need to make fake one :P lol
Then after "meeting" online you start chatting and usually they are asking for face picture to see how you look, or a webcam talk. I usually try to avoid this kinda of talk and sending pictures (or putting them as a avatar) until I get some impression about someone. There is a lot of fake profile and people using others pictures as theirs, so I'm kinda afraid that someone will recognise me or even steal my picture, so I wait as long as nessessery before showing the picture to someone.
And for example, if they ask you a question: "How big is your dick?" or "Do you life alone?" and stuff like that after two or three minutes, you need to block that person immediately :-). At least, I do that, cause those people are only looking for quick sex. And the 90% of that site is like that :-(

BUT... and this 'but' is a good 'but'... There is a little group of people like me, I mean unexperienced, searching for something good, normal, romantic, honest and beautiful. And even though I had profile for almost 2 years now, I have never tried to try anything (meaning on meeting in person and having some kind of experience) until I met Ian and you all know how that date passed.
But recently, I've been meeting a lot of NORMAL and nice people, which is kinda good (there is still hope that gay world in my country are not that screwed). I can talk now more freely (without paranoia and fear) with them... See, I'm even more talkative here, also :-)
And then I met three persons who tickled my imagination and my heart, because I think that I have found what I was looking for, but the main problem is which one of these three are the one for me. Now I feel like some slut. Teasing them and choosing like they are some toys :-( you will see, it's not that bad, I think. And I would like to hear your opinion about all this.

The first one is Alex. He's 25 years old (which is kinda too much for me for now), but he's so good and so smooth talker that basically he got me, meaning I like him. The way he talks with me is amazing. He's so out going and so nice. When I talk to him I feel kinda nice and it's amazing feeling. He wishes me good mornings and good nights and I can't get bored with him. We are doing a lot of flirt over the phone. The only problem beside his age is that he's bit bold, not entirely, just his hair is not that "bushy". He has problem with his hair. I saw him on the pictures and on the camera, and to be honest I didn't like him physically but I liked him psychically so I'm eager to give him another chance at our date when we are going to meet in person and that will be somewhere after 12th of April. Lol, and I don't even know his real name, I only know the first letter, which is A. He told me that he want to save that for meeting in person, he's so sweet. And one other guy, who was one short time "active" about all this dating stuff, told me that he met Alex in person and that he didn't like him cause he's too short and too bold and too pushy, so he ditched him. But I won't let that his opinion blind me with my impression of Alex (that much), I will just be careful and that's all. Nothing will happen without my permission, even Alex told me that. And a few times, I get paranoid that he's telling this stuff to every single guy who is his maybe future boyfriend, he's older and more experienced then me. I don't know, he can't be that bad. We'll see...

The second guy will be called V. I also don't know his name, not even the first letter. He sent me a message a bit after Alex and I clearly said to him that I'm in process of talking with some guy and I'm only available for "hanging around as friends" meaning, I would like to talk and that kind of stuff, nothing beside, cause I'm almost "in a relationship". And he was cool with that cause I seemed normal to him, so we exchanged MSNs and started to chat. Later, I told him about Alex and he told me that he met him in person, but he didn't want to reveal any other information about him beside the fact that he's so sweet and the best person he met in this gay-world (meaning the sphere of people who are gay and are living in my country and having profile on THE site). But the only problem he had with him was his age and of course boldness. But didn't wanted to reveal anything else. We exchanged the phone numbers and we are still talking, he's now away during Spring Break at hometown where he doesn't have Internet, so we are basically texting each other. And he's so PERFECT for now. And after talking to him, I get totally confused about everything what happened with Alex. The V. guy told me, for example, about his fantasies when you hug someone in a bed and fall asleep like that and woke up like that. And that's my favourite part of fantasy and I even get hard when I think about that, honestly said, if you read the story, you'd probably noticed that. And he's also horny as me, and we like same things and same things turn us both :P lol And we are very alike, he also come out to his best friend (girl friend) and she's also conservative and tries to turn him back like May does with me. I didn't even saw his face picture, I just know that he's nicely built and has sexy voice :) (yeah, we talked for some short time over the phone)... And now (meaning in this moment after publishing this long post), I need to wait until my parents are gone to bed so he can call me again, and now it will be longer. And he's one year older then me and he calls me "kiddo" which is kinda sweet. And he's such a romantic, which is also one plus.

The third one will be called Mike. He's one year older then me and he's so freaking CUTE. We talked a lot and saw each other on cam. He's bit egocentric, and he has good reasons to be like that, but he can be sweet and I'm starting slowly to get to his other side. He even told me about his sexual experience with his best male friend and how that affected their friendship. It's really sad and so UNBELIEVABLE story, and really stupid one (I mean, they act stupid, keep reading and you will see), cause they both are afraid of how that will look like and how will that affect the people in their environment which is kinda sad, cause they would have something special. They know each other for 14 years, and everything started with some kiss (real kiss, tongue included) at some party while Mike's best friend was drunk, later they did oral to each other while Mike's friend was at sleepover at Mike's house. Mike is a bit macho type of guy, but he only tries to act like that, for example, he is romantic and sweet, but kinda holds that part inside, cause he's afraid that people will see his really side and that he will get hurt sometime. Something like me a bit hehe. That's why he didn't wanted to try to talk more seriously with his friend and his friend, well, I didn't hear his version of the story, but they kinda led their friendship to destruction because of that, so now they barely talk, even though they were inseparable before "the event". They were best friends, Mike's mom was mom to his friend and that goes in oposite direction. They were like brothers, but now, their friendship is slowly turning down. Mike was really broken, he even moved from country for some short time, in the process of "getting over"... It's all because you can't act freely as a gay around here. And because of this event and with everything that happened, Mike kinda became cold person. He was hurt a lot, and now he's acting like some macho guy, which is also one sad part. He's pushing people away from him, and including me, you will see why... keep reading.

Now let's go back to our (Mike's and mine) relationship or friendship :-P. We are even having a bit of flirt and yesterday he even did some striptease for me as a joke, but somehow I got the feeling that I'm boring to him and that I chase him, he's not that interested in me. He's still in process of "getting over" with his best friend, or at least I get that feeling. Don't know! We'll see, like I said he's cold and pushing me away from him, maybe unconsciously cause he was so hurt and doesn't want that to happen again. I will try to talk to him about this subject, maybe even tonight if he's online at MSN...

OK, so now you know why I feel like slut. I'm kinda teasing all three, but not entirely, the V. guy knows that I will see Alex and he's still insisting in conversation, like he knows that I will get disappointed with Alex, and Mike is kinda "cold" but still sweet, so even if something happens with him, it won't be any time soon.

For now, I will see Alex, I owe him that much, he will get his third chance and if I don't like him, I will go for V. guy and see how he looks like in person and if that goes wrong, there is Mike, LOL. OMG, am I that mean? All I know is that the moment of me having my first boyfriend is coming very soon. Am I egocentric? Now I feel so like someone who is using people and it's not good feeling. I need to stop, that's why I erased the profile at that site. And I need to figure this out and choose the one who is really for me... I'm so confused, but this time not sexually :-) And doing all this flirting and chatting with boys feels kinda even better then with girls, cause I always feels that I'm lying girls when I flirt with them.

And something else is happening. The feelings toward Simone is starting to returning back. And I don't like that. Recently, we are meeting each other more then previous year and I don't think that I'm that over her. And we started to talk a bit about our "past" over the Facebook today which also tickled my imagination.

Man, I'm so fucked up!!! I need a break...

Ok, that's all for now. Sorry if I'm being too boring and good news is that I will start reading all the blogs I didn't read in quite some time... So blogosphere, I'm coming back, at least for the April!

See ya and thanks for reading!
Tomorrow, I will publish another HUGE post with ALL the answers to your question... Thanks one more time for asking. I hope that everything is going well with you, my readers...

OK, see ya, now for the last time, I need to send a message to V. so he can call me :))) I will hear his sexy voice one more time, awww.


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