Sunday, February 28, 2010

Going (Coming) Out...

2/28/2010 04:55:00 PM
I'm really in a hurry, so maybe this will be confusing post, cause I will write fast, and I wanted to share last night with you, that's why I'm blogging so fast...

Yesterday, I went out with my friends. We haven't went out in some club for quite some time, so we decided that we are going to go out yesterday. We went to some crappy club, cause our friend from Elementary School is working there, she was promoting the club last night and we helped her earn some money.

I didn't drink at all (meaning on alcohol), cause I need to study today, and I didn't want to have hangover (and now I wonder is this correct phrase "to have hangover", but never mind). So I was just enjoying music, dancing, club people by being sober, which is really strange for me, but I had a lot of fun, even though club was really really shitty, but I was with friends and that's what is important. So I had a lot of time to think about my sexuality while watching a lot of hot guys in the club (and when I say hot, I mean HOOOOOT, and I was so horny toward boys, I even think that if I was bit drunk, that I would try something, even though I have constant fear of others seeing me, I was so turned on boys yesterday, cause I was inspired by sight, probably).

That friend, who were promoting club, bored me to hook up with some girl (her good friend), cause her friend is really into me. She is really really cute girl and I even was thinking about that, but she seems like really nice and good person and I don't want to "use" her and to hook up for one night, cause I don't know how would I act when we come to that part about going to cinemas, going out and all stuff considering "dating", cause she's that dating type, not "one night stand" girl and while I'm so confused about my sexuality, I don't know will I be good boyfriend with all that on my mind. So I said "no" (and the reason for them was: "I don't want to use her, cause I'm not now into dating and that stuff, and she really seem like nice girl and I don't want to hurt her"), and ignored the girl, even though she watched me whole night and tried to catch my glimpse. Oh, man, now I feel so bad and like evil person. Shit, I'm so obsessed with guys that I can't think straight toward girls, cause I want so bad to experience something with guy, to finally confirm my "confusion" and by acting like this (ignoring girl), I'm making myself target of suspicion of being gay. I can't wait to go somewhere during Spring Break (in April). I'm going to some other country with few friends ( :-( ) but still, I'll feel more free cause no one knows me there so I will have at least some freedom to do whatever I want considering guys...

And then, while watching guys, and while I was being bored to hook up with that girl, it came to my mind: "It would be so easy if I come out and finish with all this crap and pretending" and for one second (one whole second, which is really big :P) I even thought to come out right now to my best friends yesterday, or even to that girl who bored me about hooking up. And for one whole second, I convinced myself that maybe they all will understand (which is impossible lol). :( And I felt some feeling like predicting that I will be feel so relief if I say that I'm "different", cause like this (closeted guy), I feel like lying all the time to them and to everyone. Maybe that friend would understand why I said "no" to the hook up, and finally my friend will know about me, so I can be more free when we are going out and we can become even better friend, but on the other side, I know that they will look at me like some freak and like sick person :-( so that little second of thinking passed and I didn't do anything, unfortunately...

And these past few days I'm fighting with feeling of accepting am I gay or am I bisexual. I feel that I'm attracted more to boys these past few days, and not girl, and I want SO BAD to try something with boys, to see how I will feel. You know that song... I kissed a girl (and I liked it)... Well, I want to kiss a boy and to see will I like it or not.

I didn't hear with Dan in one week, cause of all business with school so I didn't went online to chat, and I ditched Ben, cause he started behaving really weird. He wanted so bad to meet up with me, and he's stranger for me, he even invited me in his apartment to avoid public, and it was really suspicious, so I just simply told him that I'm not yet ready to meet with guys from dating site. He's history right now. And considering Dan, he's still in the game, but he's not from my city, he's about 30 km away. I will try to log on soon to chat with him more.

Oh, man, I feel so depressed now, dunno why, I want to come out so bad and to be myself for the first time in my life, but it's so hard and so risky... :-( and I feel like I'm going to do something stupid, cause I'm really really horny and I can't think straight... Ah!


Monday, February 22, 2010

Some facts about me

2/22/2010 11:49:00 AM
Tell us more about you please....
Can you please ask me direct question, it's called Question and Answers, this is not a question... :)

I really appreciate you asking me questions, I feel liberated and able to open myself more, I feel that I'm really becoming honest and finally my blog is getting some amazing and the most important touch...

So, I will not ignore your “question”, I will publish some facts about me, 12 facts. So here we go...

1. I’m 187 cm tall, which is about 6 feet, and I think 2 or 3 inches, I don’t really know to convert that right now and my calculator is far far away :)
2. My weight is about 75 kg (you do the conversion), which is a bit skinny, but I plan to gain 3-5 kg more with changing diet and with all these exercises I’m doing right now.
3. I love to ride my bike, it’s the most amazing thing in the world :) and I would really like to compete one day in triathlon, cause I love swimming and running, too. The best combination of my favourite sports. I can't wait to get warmer and I can’t wait for spring to come (only one more month yay), I hate winter.
4. I'm very good at swimming, I even trained water-polo and trainer proposed me to start with swimming, cause I had nice time when we were measuring the time for swimming across the pool. I really don’t know why I didn’t, but never mind now, it’s too late, I can enjoy swimming whenever I want, I don’t need to worry about Phelps and others :D
5. It is really difficult for me to curse in my own, native, mother tongue language, I don't know why, while I don't have problems with English for example... I only curse when I’m really really pissed off, but that’s kinda rare, so I don’t swear at all :) lol
6. I hate smoking, and I really can't stand the smell of cigarettes, but I’m used to it, cause major of my friends are smokers, unfortunately.
7. My favourite colours are blue and white.
8. I'm bit perfectionist, I can’t really explain, but I tend to make and keep things perfect sometimes, which is, I think, bad sometimes.
9. Basically (well, better said politically) I'm fluent in... let me see... 5 languages and I'm learning one more right now, and I kinda can understand bit of Spanish and French... So, basically I will know about 8 languages, lol… I also plan to learn Spanish and French bit more in the near future.
10. I cannot sing, I cannot act, I'm very shy person sometimes... :)
11. I’m very optimistic person now, and to be honest, I wasn’t like that 2-3 years ago.
12. I’m very social person, maybe that’s why I’m so scared of coming out. I don’t want to lose my friends. And yeah yeah, I know, if they can’t accept me of what I really am, they aren’t my REAL friends, but still, I will leave things as they are right now and think later about that. First things first, take care of what can be done now before worrying too long over what might never be. So, for now, school and financial independency at first and later coming out to everybody…

That's all for today, folks :)
Thanks for reading!
P.S. I will answer ANY question, no matter what you ask, but please be patient while waiting for your answer, and don’t ask one question twice, I don’t want to abuse and to be boring with posts which will contain only question and few lines of text. I’m also answering in some order and with some time interval between Q&A posts, I mean, I answer the question which is asked first, I won’t skip, so I repeat one more time, please be patient. I will answer ANY question you ask, don't worry :) :D


Sunday, February 21, 2010

Happy PISCES day

2/21/2010 02:05:00 AM
I'm bit late (the Pisces day was yesterday, but I'm not too late, just one day, so, I will post it anyway, cause I want to) and I will reveal you my astrological sign, I was mentioning it here, so now you know, I'm born under Pisces :) and one thing was always interesting for me... Probably it's only me and my weird thinking/noticing nonsenses (:P) but I noticed that a lot people born under this sign is gay/bi/confused (o_O) and when I say a lot, I mean a lot...

OK, here are some description of personality (copied from this site) and yeah, I also stole the pictures (sorry to the AOM, but I really liked them :P)

Traditional Pisces Traits

Imaginative and sensitive
Compassionate and kind
Selfless and unworldly
Intuitive and sympathetic

On the dark side....

Escapist and idealistic
Secretive and vague
Weak-willed and easily led
(Yeah man, it's all me :P) and I would like to add these:
Emotional, gentle, not practical, and I'm sometimes very very stubborn (which is not typical Pisces characteristic).

PISCES by ~Steel-Eyes @


Friday, February 19, 2010

Coming to myself...

2/19/2010 11:23:00 PM
Eye asks:How long did it take for you to talk to anyone (blogging counts) about your sexuality since you found out/started to doubt?
LOL, I just started to write post about my "accepting myself" and you asked this question, but never mind I will try to publish both. Well, never mind, I will say it anyway here, but only small part. I started to doubt when I was like 7 grade (approximal about 14 years old) and I accepted myself when I was 17... So, I "came out to myself" 2 (soon 3) years ago. Yeah, I know, it's very long time, and I can even publish you my entries in my diary from that period (but it will be in that post about accepting myself which I will publish in some near future, I hope :P)...

It was very hard for me. Like I always liked boys, but didn't know what it meant, cause I was raised to understand that gay/bisexual/"different" is not so normal and in some way very bad. So first, I needed to concur that thought and then I needed to accept myself... That's why it took me for about 2 years. Also, after "coming out to myself" I come out to my best friend, like 20 days later. I've came out to myself on 2nd May 2007, and I came out to my friend around 21st of May (I don't know exactly when, but my diary does, and I will tell you later when I finish the post about accepting)... Exactly, I knew that I was "different" a long time, but I admitted and actually said it (write it in diary) on May 2nd, and I said it aloud on May 21 or something.

And after one year of „coming out“ I opened this blog, for exactly one year anniversary :)

Thanks for asking! :)


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

My future and Superpower?

2/17/2010 01:38:00 PM
Ask anything eh? ;-)1. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? In regards to career, where you'll be living, who you'll be with, would you have kids, etc.2. If you had a superpower, what would it be and why?
Interesting questions, well both of them. Thanks for asking.

1. I was thinking a lot about this before. I'm studying some interesting but very tricky University (I really love it, but it's tricky cause it doesn't have some sure perspective considering future, in few words, I will find job very hard). It's University considering arts. I love writing and photography, and that two are my life dreams. I would like to become writer and also, I'm great fan of photography, so I would like to become a photographer, too, but it will be only my hobby or even my profession, I don't really know, I would really like both.

I always loved to take pictures of everything, but never had a chance to hold some professional camera and to really learn something professionally about photography. I always had some crappy cameras, but I experimented a lot with them, and I'm great with Photoshop. I even have account on and a few amateur shots (with crappy 3.1 megapixel camera lol) and some digital art pictures, but it really came out amazing... Now, after buying this amazing laptop, I'm saving to buy my first real professional camera (I can't wait to hold it in my hands)... So, I'm focusing on that hobby and to my University and literature (reading, writing). I also love to write, and others says that I'm really good at writing (of course, on my mother tongue :P), so maybe one day you will hear about me (lol) :P... One more reason to perfect my English, cause I would like to write in English, too...

So, all in all, I see myself living in New York, in some amazing flat, with my own studio, taking pictures for living or living somewhere in Tokyo or Europe or on some deserted island and writing books (and this blog :) ) or taking amazing art pictures by traveling the world...

That's my dream, and I will do my best to make it true.

2. Superpower? I love this type of questions. Like a child, I was thinking a lot about this, but we played a game with three powers, not one, it's not fair :( Well, my favorite ones are immortality, invisibility, stopping time and flying through time. Oh oh, and yeah, reading minds. But if you really force me to choose only one, I think that I will choose probably immortality. It's maybe selfish and not so unusual, but I'm honest. With that I could do almost anything, and of course, I would like to remain young. I like every single human being is of course afraid of death and with this I will get time. I mean, even if I'm 19 years old, I kinda feel old and don't know exactly why and it seems to me that 30s will come very fast and I don't want that. And if I get bored of living forever, well, I will think about that part when it comes LOL, kidding. Well, that's probably disadvantage of immortality. Maybe the best power is to stay what you really are and enjoy life which is given to you.

OK, thanks for asking... I'm off to start writing post for third 'Ask Me Anything' question :)


Monday, February 15, 2010

The Amazing Race 16

2/15/2010 09:44:00 PM
This will be my second post for today and I simply can't help myself, cause I want to express my opinion about this show, cause I LOVE it so much... Racing around the world. If I could, I would apply without hesitation, but I can't :-( I've just watched the first episode from Season 16, the leg from LA to the Chile (or China as Jordan said hahahahahaah LOL), I'm always surprised when people doesn't know where some country is, I mean not exactly, but at least on which continent it is. Here in my country, that's kinda basic knowledge. But we all know what miss Carolina has to say about this :))) Shit, this sounded so mean... But never mind, keep reading, I'm not so judgmental...

The most surprising teams for this Season is of course, Jordan and Jeff, from Big Brother 11 and yay, the finished first leg first :). Well, I didn't actually watch whole Big Brother America (season 11), but my cousin watched it and she made me watch first three episodes on YouTube, but I didn't have time to continue with other ones cause I was watching a lot of TV shows and I just started with Uni, but I saw that it's way more different then our Big Brother, American BB is full of hypocrisy and mean people. But of course I noticed Jeff, who is extremely hot and so handsome! And Jordan is kinda cute, but still, looks like some stereotype blond chick from America, no offense, just my opinion and my cousin says that she is really like that, so I'm kinda influenced on her opinion, but we'll see through The Amazing Race show.

The second surprising team is the team with Miss South Carolina... OMG, when I first watched the clip at YouTube with all that "some countries don't have maps, um, such as South Africa..." I laughed so much and of course thought that she is soooo stupid and she fit perfectly into all this "stupid American blond stereotype", but later I realised that it maybe is not her fault, I mean, she's probably been stressed at the stage, or she was caught in the moment and didn't know what she would say, but still, it was soooo funny, and I can just imagine how embarrassing that experience was for her. So I'm giving her one more chance at this show, to prove to me and to rest of this world is she or is she not a "ignorant stereotype blond chick from America"...

This is why I love this show, cause it has so many personalities and above all it's so gay-friendly (they always have some gay persons as a competitors) and very anti-discrimination show. Well done, the producers... But I'm just sometimes amazed how can people be so stupid and so weak, but that's one more part of the show,  which, I will be honest, I really like. We'll see what will this Season bring...

Do you watch the show? What is your favorite team for now... I'm cheering out for Jeff :-P (for now), I just saw like 5 minutes of his personality, and he's so cute, hot, handsome... Clearly that's making my judgment little unreliable...


Could it be destiny? o_O

2/15/2010 05:52:00 PM
After one year and a half of waiting to find someone normal, not creepy, guy who don't want only fast sex date and no disgusting person on some dating site and of course a fine looking guy (I'm very picky, too be honest), it finally happened. When I joined that site, I was searching for someone normal, but I've got a lot of disgusting messages just asking for sex and a lot of fakers (showing one picture on profile but in real life they are something different. I didn't actually meet with anyone from there, I just watched how his profile got baned and all the comments on their guest-book), and I've heard that there is a lot of people who met you and then beat you just for fun, so I was very careful and very cautious when talking to people there... And yesterday, I met two amazing guys which really seem to be very normal, they are not only for sex and I talked like a lot to both of them.

The first one (we'll call him, let me see, something simple. Oh I know, he will be Ben) is 28 years old, which is kinda a huge age difference, but he's fine with it, (on the other hand, I'm not) he doesn't want a quicky (or whatever it's said and spelled, I meant on quick sex date), and we were talking a lot about his experiences with guys and I learned a lot about gay life in my country and above all about gay life in general (sex, how you keep yourself clean down there, I mean on my back down there :-P (my butt, fuck, fuck the metaphors), we even talked about AIDS and HIV and that kind of stuff). He's only out to few of his friends and his brother, but lives very free gay life around our city. Cause I have problem with his age (but who knows, if he's really really hot and cute, we'll see), he openly told me that we don't need to be partners, we can be just friends and he'll be there to advice me ("to act like a older brother", that was his own words)... And then we exchanged pictures (don't worry the exchange was on MSN to see how he looks like and I showed mine for just one millisecond, to get small impression of me, in that avatar pictures, and he sent me some pictures in message at that dating site). He looks really nice and cute on the pictures, and kinda hot, but still "it's on the picture" and I know that you can make a lot of posing, he could be totally different in real life (if that was really him on the pictures, who knows maybe he's just playing with me). But we are going slowly and I'm kinda glad, cause he doesn't force me to do anything, he's patient. Then he asked me to exchange mobile phone numbers for beginning, and I was like "wtf, I don't want to give him my real number, cause who knows who is he in real life, maybe he's just pretending to be good and amazing". So, I told him that I need to think a bit and promised him that I will send him a number tomorrow (it's today) if I choose to keep contact with him, and I wanted to keep my promise, cause I usually keep them. So, today, I went to a store, bought a brand new number (SIM card), plug it into my old phone and sent him a message only 15 minutes ago. And yeah, I immediately came to laptop and started blogging :P Cause I'm really excited. I told him that I will give him number, I didn't say will it be real or fake one :-) I told you that I'm careful... :-) And I simply sent him message: 
"Here's number, as promised, please don't abuse it and don't call all the time, I'm not so into talking to still unknown persons, we can just text for now... :)"
And he answered:
"OK, I'm not a jerk, don't worry. And what's your name?"
And I told him my real name, which is not so big deal, cause it's really common name over here and asked for his... I didn't want to lie, who knows, maybe he's really nice guy and if I lied to him, it wouldn't be so nice. That's all for now, I can't wait to talk to him more to see what will happen next. And I even have his picture which he sent me in a message at that dating site, and I was thinking to post one here, but I decided that I will not, cause, who knows who can come to this blog... So enjoy in this artistic photos for now :)
And now we've come to a second guy. I will give him some nice name too, cause he really made so nice impression on me and you'll see why... We will call him Dan, in honor of D. (if you don't know who is D., read the "Character of the blog" on the right side of this blog)... And, I was talking to him shortly after talking to Ben. He's only two years older then me. He sent me a message two weeks ago, and I really liked his profile. He is inexperienced with guys (like me), he's very shy (like me), he's very emotional person (like me), he's very popular (like me), he's very closeted and afraid of coming out (like me), he's really experienced with girls (like me), he's straight-acting (like me) and he seeks for normal and not spoiled person (like me) and then we finally met online on MSN... And here the things become really really weird. We started talking general stuff, which movies do you like, which music you like and that kind of things and we both like the same o_O. OK, that was amazing and then we come to very weird part. After realising that we watched same movies recently (o_O) and that have same views of the world, and that we both act childish from time to time, just for fun and fool around a lot, I asked him what is his astrological sign. It's bit girly question, but let me explain. I don't believe in bullshits like what will happen to you next day and all that prediction of future, but there is some truth considering the characteristics which are similar or same to the people born under same astrological sign. The major part of what my sign represents is really my characteristics. Dan is my sign (o_O), which is really amazing cause I love persons born under my sign, we are so alike and so delicate and so emotional, and so sensitive, gentle, vague etc...
And then... I asked him when he was born? And he said that he's born in the month in which I was born and I will short the story (it's really becoming long post), we are born on the same day (o_O), but only two years difference. So he's exactly two years older than me... And that was very very weird part... I first thought that someone is making fun of me, and that he really knows me, in real life. He knew about movies I recently watched, I guessed his (and mine) birthday, he knew what I'm doing when I'm drunk (kissing and hugging people :-P) and so on... So I thought that he's pretending (maybe he's some sick guy who finds naive guys and do to them God knows what) or he really knows me and he is making some really sick and twisted joke... So we talked there for some time and he thought exactly same thing as I did, and we realised that it's impossible that we know each other. But he doesn't even live in my city (the capital), he's in some town about 50 km from the city. Cause it was too late (we were chatting for about three hours or even more) and he and I wanted to go to sleep, we agreed that we will meet tonight again and show each other our IDs (but only date of birth), on webcam or in avatar in MSN. That was my idea, to be sure :P lol He is really tooo good to be true, but who knows...

I can't wait tonight... Do you believe in destiny? I didn't believed, but now... I'm not so sure... Some really strange shit happened yesterday... What do you think about all this?

Thanks for reading, and sorry because it was really really long post, but I'm so excited...
And thanks to everybody for asking questions at Ask Me Anything, I'm writing my second answer to your questions, but I'm really busy with school, that's why I'm so slow... But I will answer all of them, for sure!!! Just be patient.

P.S. This artwork on the left representing Destiny with book is work of ~kjaex from deviantART


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentine's Day

2/14/2010 03:11:00 PM
I want to wish you all Happy Valentine's Day. Spread peace and love :-)
I wish you to be happy with your valentine and if you are alone to find the partner of your life :-) 
Hava a nice day!!!


Does my family have big conservative views or fundamentalist religious views?

2/14/2010 02:17:00 AM
Wayne here; Does your family have big C conservative views or fundamentalist religious views? This can make it really tough to be honest with yourself about your sexuality.
Yo Wayne :) Thanks a lot for reading... Well, first, I didn't understand that 'C' before conservative (does that mean anything or is it just mistake in typing), but anyway I will try to explain what I understood :).

OK, my family (and major part of this society) is very old fashioned and very (I wouldn't say 'antigay' more 'not familiar with the term') but they wouldn't understand that (I mean on homosexuality). They think that homosexuality is not normal and it's bad (probably cause the gay stereotype is not so good presented in the world and in my country, with all that Gay Pride and all that HIV transmission between gay people, and no one sees the fact that the 'normal' people can also transmits HIV, for them the gays are the major reason of HIV transmission). Because of that old-fashion I said I will never come out to them... And I like the fact that homosexuality is more present in media, in movies, in series, so they're slowly accepting the fact that the homosexuality is really here and that we are living in 21st century, and the most people are living fine by being the "different"... So, I'm hoping that some views will change, but it's really hard... It's not so conservative, I don't know how to explain exactly...

LOL, I just remembered the fact that Ancients Greeks were very open minded considering homosexuality. I mean, it was normal for them to be able to love someone who is same gender and kinda considered normal for great leaders to find boy lovers. „Only man knows what man wants“ or something like that, you'll get the point :P OMG, sounds amazing, and they lived between 8th and 2nd century BC and we live in 21st and have problems accepting this.

I'm Christian (but not Catholic), and yeah Church has a lot against gays and "different" people cause it's "not natural" and all that bullshits which all religions are saying. My family and I are also very religious (meaning that we believe in God), but my religion is not so fundamental... I can even say that it's really liberal and opened. I mean, in the catholic church you have a lot of "must" and "must not" which I do not approve (like, you MUST go to church every Sunday, you must not have sex before marrying, you must not have sexual relations with another man. Why? God gave us freedom and I will and can do whatever I want, as long as I don't harm the other people). In my religion there is some customs and traditions, and me and my family respect that, but it's not so strict. I mean on respecting and celebrating Christmas, Easter, some Saints, follow the path of God's will etc. You're not obligated to go to the church, you can go by your own will if you want and when you want.

Our church doesn't approve gays (that's official, they even stand out against some law considering gays when the Parliament were voting for 'no discrimination toward gays and/or "different" people'. And the law was accepted, regardless of the appeal of the Church), but that doesn't really concerns me if I want to believe in God and if I want to go to church, I just can't be married in the church and that's all, and they (if they knew about me) will only look me different and strange, but nothing special. I believe in God on my own way. Of course, the way which is combined with my religion. In few word, I believe that he loves us all (and that's the whole point of Christianity: love, faith and hope) so there is no point of saying what you must and must not do and that God doesn't like "different" people. The Church is abusing the God's will a lot, and I hate that...

OK, this probably isn't answer to your question, but I wanted to explain that my parents are not so influenced with church, they are simply narrow minded and old-fashioned, not strictly conservative, and I KNOW that they will never understand what I'm feeling toward other men...

They are not strict or anything, but I also KNOW that I will break their heart for sure if I come out as a gay or bisexual or whatever.

They simply CAN'T understand that you can have love-feelings (meaning sexual attraction and love) toward another man even if you are a man or to have love-feelings woman to woman. They are old fashioned, they expect that I will marry someday (to a girl), have children and live happily ever after (yeah right!)... The homosexuality is just new term to them and to the society. But as I said in my title... "sometimes the life you have isn't to one you want"... They were and still are perfect mom and dad, and I love them soooo much, but I don't know how will I handle the fact that I will probably break their heart one day. I plan to move somewhere (after finishing University) and not tell them about my sexuality never (and it will break their heart for sure, cause they will know that something is wrong if I never get married to a woman, they will think about millions reasons, but I KNOW that the homosexuality would be the last thing on their mind).
The other option is to tell them about my sexuality and then move out somewhere, so they will understand why I left and why I don't want to live with them, and they will probably be very ashamed and left with broken heart. I know that they would still love me, but it will be soooo hard for them to accept the fact that I can be attracted to another man sexually. And they are going into 50s (I mean on years, I don't know did I spelled this correct) and 60s, so, who knows, maybe they would get heart attack after telling them this, cause this is would be very big SHOCK for them :(...

I had problems accepting my sexuality cause I was raised by this views, but thank God, they didn't raised me to be narrow minded, so I easily accept it after realising that it's not so 'abnormal'. I came out to myself only two or three years after first sexual attraction toward man, which maybe is long, but I don't feel like that. Now I want to explore others part of these feelings, I never kissed a boy and never had sex with a boy. That's now my goal, to explore homosexuality, to find myself and finally to describe my sexuality, but it's so hard because I live with my parents and the only way I can do this is going somewhere on a holiday and try there, where no one knows me, cause even though my city has millions and millions citizens (and a lot of open gays), it's still 'small', cause I've lived here so long and I'm very social kid and this news (that someone is gay) are spread really fast.

OK, long post... Maybe is not answer to your question, but at least I opened myself to readers and it's all inspired by your question. So, Wayne, thank you one more time for asking... If something is not understood, feel free to ask me something else again :)


Saturday, February 13, 2010

Ask Me Anything :)

2/13/2010 10:59:00 PM
I was inspired by some blogger with the posts "Ask Me Anything" so I decided to try something like that. I've found some site which offers amazing service, and you can link it with The site is

Below is the form for asking questions. Feel free to ask anything that comes on your mind, I can't wait :) The only rule is not to ask questions which will reveal my identity, cause I wish to stay anonymous, but even if you ask questions like that, you'll GET ANSWER, but similar to this one :) And I will try not to be so boring with only Question and Answer posts...

So here we go:

Thanks for reading and enjoy!


Saturday, February 6, 2010

Welcome to the new 'honest' blogger

2/06/2010 02:03:00 AM
Let's spread the community spirit one more time. =)

With this post I would like to say 'Welcome!' to the another new blogger of our blogosphere. I know that I've already posted this post few days ago, but I simply couldn't exclude his blog. He has a blog for only short time (one month and few days) and he really made his blog unique and amazing. I admit, I'm bit jealous :-)

I didn't include him in previous post cause I found out his blog after writing that post and when I read it, I simply loved it. He's so honest and he made me feel amazing.

So, I'm devoting the whole post to his blog. I know that I don't have much followers but if he receives at least one new follower, I'll be satisfied...
So, go ahead and check his blog at Confused yet Honest


Thursday, February 4, 2010

Don't Ask, Don't Tell in my country and in the world

2/04/2010 04:06:00 PM
I've noticed that in these past few days a lot of people is talking about this Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy in USA and to be honest, this policy is the basic policy for gays and „different“ people in my own country. It's not only for military, it's for everything, and it's so true. Like, no one, even if he/she knows obviously that you are gay/bi/different will never ASK, and a lot of people, because of homophobic situation will never TELL, even if they have secret life and a lot of experience in gay relationship and gay life. And as far as I understood, Obama prohibit this kind of policy in military. He basically said: "the gay is ok" :) Well done, Obama.

OK, here's a video, please noticed how did the military representatives reacted when he announced that the gay people can serve US military. They didn't applaud and I can say that they were burned from the inside cause of Obama's speach.

I was also watching this the whole night and I realised that the world isn't so ready for gay or LGBT people, and not only in my country. At all! Or at least the equality is only at the beginning of a process. I mean, the whole Africa and a lot countries in muslim world have death penalties. Like, if I would like to go to Dubai (and I would really like that cause the city looks amazing), I couldn't probably watch or try anything with any other man, cause maybe I would end up in prison or worse, I don't even want to think about that. And recently I have been told by a friend that even some catholic country (Uganda) is trying to make some law against gays which occurs death penalty.

What do you think about this death penalties for "different" people? I'm kinda scared cause it seems like we are living in Middle Ages and not in Modern Age.


Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Welcome to the new people of blogosphere

2/03/2010 09:07:00 PM
As you can see, I've become quite often with the posts... :) I told you that I will change... I left my paranoia and my fear of someone finding out about me somewhere else and I think that I'm starting to feel more free with this blog, which is the whole point of it.

So, in the honor of that I would like to share a few new blogs with you (my amazing readers) :) I know that I don't have too much readers, and maybe the new bloggers won't get what they deserve (a lot of visitors), but at least I would make some effort. And one more time I would like to say thanks to the all readers who read my blog, that really means me a lot!

OK, here we go... I have only four new blogs for today and one blog of one person who we all know - Bob
Rendre Bleu ( - A guy from Mexico who started his blog recently. He's trying to merge and handle his student life, his family life and his secret/closeted bisexual life. He's very good person and I think that his blog really deserves to be read. Take a look!!!

Being Bi in college ( - Very interesting blog, also one bisexual who tries to live with his secret feelings toward his roomate/best friend at the college, and we all know that college life can sometimes be very „crazy“.

Thoughts of a gay teen ( - Totally new blog from one closeted boy from Paris. He has only few posts, but the reading is very interesting. Wish him 'welcome' to the blogosphere.

Closet Jock Turned Actor ( - The brand new blog „born“ in January, the freshman in blogosphere :) Give him the warm welcome, he really sounds like nice person, former basketball player, and now he's an actor. Who knows where he'll end, maybe he'll become really famous :)
Riding the Wave ( - Bob, person who probably follows the most blogs of our blogosphere and who always have nice and supportive advices and comments. He really sounds like good person and I only want to express my gratitude to him through this small post. Maybe it won't change anything, but the point is to try to support each other :) Bob, thank you one more time for everything.


Monday, February 1, 2010

Working out :)

2/01/2010 12:59:00 AM
OK, I decided to start working out harder. I mean, I am very athletic and my body is kinda nice built (I won't be modest about this, but I'm not perfect yet, and I plan to fix that. I do a lot of sport and it really takes some affect at my packs and body and I have the most amazing thing in the world, the fast organizme, I mean I can eat whole day and I simply can't get fat, thanks to my mom and dad :P). So from tomorrow, I'm starting to workout more harder and more organized, I even made some small plan of excersises.

And I will probably keep my record of body changing over here, so expect some pictures of me :) but not immediately and not for sure, I will try to post them after some time when I notice that there is some effect, I mean on the pictures 'before' and 'after' :).

That's all for now... :D Thanks for reading!


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