Sunday, February 28, 2010

Going (Coming) Out...

12
2/28/2010 04:55:00 PM
I'm really in a hurry, so maybe this will be confusing post, cause I will write fast, and I wanted to share last night with you, that's why I'm blogging so fast...

Yesterday, I went out with my friends. We haven't went out in some club for quite some time, so we decided that we are going to go out yesterday. We went to some crappy club, cause our friend from Elementary School is working there, she was promoting the club last night and we helped her earn some money.

I didn't drink at all (meaning on alcohol), cause I need to study today, and I didn't want to have hangover (and now I wonder is this correct phrase "to have hangover", but never mind). So I was just enjoying music, dancing, club people by being sober, which is really strange for me, but I had a lot of fun, even though club was really really shitty, but I was with friends and that's what is important. So I had a lot of time to think about my sexuality while watching a lot of hot guys in the club (and when I say hot, I mean HOOOOOT, and I was so horny toward boys, I even think that if I was bit drunk, that I would try something, even though I have constant fear of others seeing me, I was so turned on boys yesterday, cause I was inspired by sight, probably).

That friend, who were promoting club, bored me to hook up with some girl (her good friend), cause her friend is really into me. She is really really cute girl and I even was thinking about that, but she seems like really nice and good person and I don't want to "use" her and to hook up for one night, cause I don't know how would I act when we come to that part about going to cinemas, going out and all stuff considering "dating", cause she's that dating type, not "one night stand" girl and while I'm so confused about my sexuality, I don't know will I be good boyfriend with all that on my mind. So I said "no" (and the reason for them was: "I don't want to use her, cause I'm not now into dating and that stuff, and she really seem like nice girl and I don't want to hurt her"), and ignored the girl, even though she watched me whole night and tried to catch my glimpse. Oh, man, now I feel so bad and like evil person. Shit, I'm so obsessed with guys that I can't think straight toward girls, cause I want so bad to experience something with guy, to finally confirm my "confusion" and by acting like this (ignoring girl), I'm making myself target of suspicion of being gay. I can't wait to go somewhere during Spring Break (in April). I'm going to some other country with few friends ( :-( ) but still, I'll feel more free cause no one knows me there so I will have at least some freedom to do whatever I want considering guys...

And then, while watching guys, and while I was being bored to hook up with that girl, it came to my mind: "It would be so easy if I come out and finish with all this crap and pretending" and for one second (one whole second, which is really big :P) I even thought to come out right now to my best friends yesterday, or even to that girl who bored me about hooking up. And for one whole second, I convinced myself that maybe they all will understand (which is impossible lol). :( And I felt some feeling like predicting that I will be feel so relief if I say that I'm "different", cause like this (closeted guy), I feel like lying all the time to them and to everyone. Maybe that friend would understand why I said "no" to the hook up, and finally my friend will know about me, so I can be more free when we are going out and we can become even better friend, but on the other side, I know that they will look at me like some freak and like sick person :-( so that little second of thinking passed and I didn't do anything, unfortunately...

And these past few days I'm fighting with feeling of accepting am I gay or am I bisexual. I feel that I'm attracted more to boys these past few days, and not girl, and I want SO BAD to try something with boys, to see how I will feel. You know that song... I kissed a girl (and I liked it)... Well, I want to kiss a boy and to see will I like it or not.

I didn't hear with Dan in one week, cause of all business with school so I didn't went online to chat, and I ditched Ben, cause he started behaving really weird. He wanted so bad to meet up with me, and he's stranger for me, he even invited me in his apartment to avoid public, and it was really suspicious, so I just simply told him that I'm not yet ready to meet with guys from dating site. He's history right now. And considering Dan, he's still in the game, but he's not from my city, he's about 30 km away. I will try to log on soon to chat with him more.

Oh, man, I feel so depressed now, dunno why, I want to come out so bad and to be myself for the first time in my life, but it's so hard and so risky... :-( and I feel like I'm going to do something stupid, cause I'm really really horny and I can't think straight... Ah!

About the author

Secret Blogger is writing about his life, living as a gay guy in a homophobic society.

12 comments:

  1. B. HOLA!! I was getting worried lol, you can't stay away a whole week man, you need to at least post "I'm ok" haha...

    Awww I know what you feel,I've thinking for a while I should come out, atleast to my sister, but well not ready yet :(.

    Damn yesterday someone from Mexico was at my blog :O... I was scared but then though whateva :p

    Be careful with those guys B...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Whoa slow down

    You don't have to decided if you are gay/bi. You will know when the time comes so don't worry about it.

    Ok then see you around

    ReplyDelete
  3. Awww. :-/ *Hugs*

    I can understand how you're feeling. I suppose just have a bit more patience and just take things slowly (as difficult as that might be).

    And btw, it's "to have a hangover" and with all the "thinking straight" puns in here, I'm somewhat amused (though perhaps I shouldn't be).

    ReplyDelete
  4. Trouble is, you're hanging around straight guys, and you have to pretend to be straight around girls; that sucks. You need to find at least one homosexual guy you can trust to confide in; it is best to have some homosexual experience and friends for support before coming out. Don't come out if it can cause big trouble with your family and interfere with completing your education. You may have to be discrete with your gay friend until that time comes; 'friends with benefits'. Also are your straight friends enlightened enough to accept homosexual guys? You hate to lose your straight friends too. Be prepared to defend your sexuality and explain you are still the same person. Make sure you find a gay guy around your age and remember gays have their share of deceitful guys too. Try and have some gay sex; check out some gay hangouts but PRACTICE SAFE SEX ALWAYS. Don't do anything rash yet without preparing the groundwork. Oh yeah, you left out the 'a' - 'to have a hangover' Learning a language is tough; I admire you. - Wayne

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  5. Hi!
    Well if you're not sure you can't come out right? you gotta be sure before you come out. Maybe some of your friends will accept you are confused...

    And I get what you mean about being bi or gay. I feel the same. Really deep within me I know I'm bi but currently my mind goes only for boys. Why? I feel that if I dont give guys a chance now I never will, but everyone (as in most people) are straight, So I can always go back to girls...

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  6. Hi! I was also felling like that last year, before I first tried something with a guy. I went to study in another city, and I paid a visit to a guy I had met where I live. One night we got drunk and we jumped on each other, and this was probably the best thing in my life, it was a revelation. I had been with two girls before, but this confirmed me that boys were my thing. I can't say I have been very happy with my love life since then, but not to be confused anymore is the best thing ever.

    The difficult part was to tell my friends, and some of them still have no idea, but after I have told my best friends, I fell so much better already.

    I hope that you will have the possibility very soon to make an experience :)

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  7. I know the feeling. what ever you do DONT FALL IN LOVE WITH A STRAIGHT GUY. its aweful. keep looking for a time to safely express and experiment with your sexuality. when the time comes you'll know. stay strong because all you have are the people around you and yourself.

    much love and support big guy!:)
    joe

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  8. @Manu: Beleive me, it will become easier if you come one to at least one person, who will understand you completely, but later you want to come to more, you'll see. I wish you all the luck with coming out to your sister...

    @Ethan: I know that I don't need to decide, but it hard when you are stuck in the middle, something like that.

    @Aek: Thanks, my friend :P I hope that everything will be okay.

    @wayner: Yeah, I know that I need to find some gay friend, and that's the whole point of this post, I mean, I would really like to know some gay in person, to talk to, to have "interesting" time toghether (why not)... and I'm still searching, I hope that I will find someone... And I don't think that my friends will be understandable considering all this gay stuff, we'll see when they grow-up a bit... And I would really like to deffend my sexuality, but I'm not yet sure what I am, so I first want to be sure in my sexuality and then I would really defend it easily...
    And no worries, I always practice safe sex... :D And thanks for that phrase, I'll memorise it for next time, my language doesn't have articles, so that's it's kinda hard for me :D

    @Eye: Lol, you are right... I don't think thtat I will come out any time soon...

    @charlie: That's the only thing I want right now. To travel somewhere and to try something away from my city and all people I know, to confirm or to deny my doubts... :) Oh, you're so luckey :D I'm hoping for something during April or during summer holiday, but it's still very hard cause I'm going with my freinds... (who doesn't know about me) :(

    @joe: Lol, well, I was in love with some straight guy (D.), so I know what you mean, and now I can (I think) control (more or less) my emotions towards straight guys... Thank you so much for your comment. I'm hoping that day will come really soon... And sorry for not reading your blog for quite some time, I was really busy and I have a lot of blogs to follow, I will catch up soon (when I get some free time) :D

    ReplyDelete
  9. awwww....
    Babe, email me so we talk more about this. I am also in the same boat with you...
    Reading your post made me realize that I shud stop behaving like myself and go back to hiding my sexual identity for now.
    I am so confused, like you... am I Bi? Gay? what?
    it's not easy... I also need to experiment a bit, but not with complete strangers!!

    I am glad you have ditched Ben!

    I feel what you mean when you talk about that 'second' when you wanna come out so badly to a friend. I go through this so so often. At the time, it seems so easy to just say it.. but then I start overthinking things...
    We can talk more about this via emails.
    But I think you shouldn't come out yet. You're like me, not fully sure about who you are so if you do come out, you cannot be firm with what you say... so people's reaction might differ...

    Tight hug!
    Sam

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  10. The question you need to consider is do you like pussy at all or just cock. If the former, welcome fellow bi person. If the latter, you are gay (and there's nothing wrong with that). You just need to figure it out. If bi, getting it on with girls will be fun. If gay, it will be anything but.

    If gay, it's a lot easier to come out and be done with it. Over at the blog Baysailorboy, he's constantly harping about how his sexual orientation is nobody's business but his. You offer a counter, why it is good to be out.

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  11. Yeah that is true but don't choose so soon b/c you may regret it and hurt someone else in the process

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  12. @Sam: Thanks... Of course, I will send you a email, I'm just too busy, I still have to answer your last two :)

    And about experiencing, I think that I'm going to do something about that in near future... I'll probably blog about this soon...

    But no worries, I'm not coming out any time soon.

    @Anonymous: Yeah, you're right, well I was with a girls a lot, and now I think that it's time to experimente something with boys, to confirm it or to deny it, and to see what I like most... That's why I'm so eager to try something with a boy.

    @Ethan: I know, that's why I'm not coming any time soon. We'll see what will happen in future...

    THANK YOU ALL FOR SO SUPPORTIVE COMMENTS

    ReplyDelete

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