Thursday, August 5, 2010

Two Month Update

8/05/2010 07:38:00 PM
It's been a long time. So much to tell you, so much to write and so much to relive again. I won't explain why I didn't write in such a long time, and it really doesn't matter, now I wish only to update my readers and this blog with my life and everything what happened during the period while I wasn't writing...
First things first, I wish to inform you that I'm still happy and that I'm still in a relationship with Mike. We are now almost three months together and it's been happy and the most amazing three months of my life... And I really mean this.

Second most important thing is that I finally found myself, considering sexuality, and now I openly can say that I'm a happy gay man and I'm PROUD of that, more than you can imagine. I thought that I'm bisexual cause in my country I've been taught that homosexuality is wrong, and it's not that accepted here, so for my brain and for me it was easier to accept me as a bisexual man, but after experiencing a lot of stuff I have experienced until now, you realise that you can't imagine youself doing that with a woman. And I decided that I won't label myself, for now I'm gay, and if it happens that I fall in love with woman than it's destiny and it's meant to be, I won't pressure myself about anything... For now, I'm happy with a man, a great man and I'm living almost the life I want to live.

After kissing a man and after hugging, cuddling, going out, hanging out, taking, watching his eyes, talking his hand, feeling his body next to me, I realised that I can't imagine myself doing that with a woman. I think that I will be capable to have sex with a woman, I can kiss them, I can do anything with them, but I and only I won't be furfilled inside. I had many woman in my life, I kissed a lot, and I really have a great straight reputation, but after kissing a guy, you realise that this is it, I felt different, and it was so amazing, so different and so RIGHT. I simply don't feel exaclty furfilled when I'm with a woman. It's so much better when you are with a guy, especially with a guy like Mike. I swear, if you see him one day, it will be on some newspaper magazine as some model. He's so hot and so cute and beautiful. And a lot of people say that he looks like Jay Sean, which is true and I will put the song in which they really look alike, all the moves, the face expressions and looks, simply the same. Even the style and everything. And I like to say to Mike that he doesn't look like Jay Sean... Jay Sean looks like Mike :)))

I simply don't know how that kind of guy fall for me. It's not like I don't have some good opinion about myself, but I always liked to be modest and imperceptible... A lot of people say I'm beautiful, cute and stuff like that, but simply, I don' (honestly) have that kind opinion about me, and while I'm with Mike, and while he says some stuff, that's slowly changing and I'm so glad because of that. I'm not egocentric, I'm just being realistic and to have a bit of selfconfidence is not that bad.

Ok, now where to start. It’s so hard. I don’t even know what I should write first. After and during my exams, and that was the whole June, we hanged out a lot, cause he’s usually free and doesn’t have obligations, long story and I’m not ready to talk about his personal life yet. Then, after my exams, my other apartment, which me and my family rent, was empty, cause the people who have lived there moved. So I took a chance and took the keys and moved there with Mike for a few days, and explanation to my parents was that I want to experience living by myself alone for a few day. And it was AMAZING. We were like 24 hours a day together. Living together, cuddling, watching movies, talking, making music, joking, making popcorns, making out, kissing, making love :-P and so much more. It was so nice that I can’t really express how much I enjoyed all that.

We don’t fight that much, I don’t know is that good or bad thing, cause you know, people in a relationship usually fight... I’m really easy tempered and really flexible he’s kinda short-tempered but I know how to tell him some stuff without making him pissed off and we both are getting used to that. We had our first fight, and we solved it soon after it arose. It was serious stuff, but we solved it on really adult way, cause it was his fault and he admit his mistake. He has huge problems considering his family and I tend to oppress him as lowest as possible and of course, trying to help him.

Enough about that. Now, you probably want to hear about us making love. It wasn’t only sex, it was an amazing feeling and amazing experience. I don’t know would I be able to do THE thing on any other way (by this I mean, if some emotions are not involved, I don’t know would I be capable of having sex with someone I don’t like or having sex no strings attached, and in Mike’s case – love). Yeah, about a few week ago, I realised I really love him, and now I'm searching for a way to tell him that. He's kinda difficult for that, and that is also a long story, so I won't torture myself writing about that yet, I'll take it slow.

We tried everything. I was bottom, he was bottom, he orally satisfied me and I orally satisfied him (and man, he does that so amazing) and this time I really enjoy it. He turns me on like no one before him and he says that I turn him on also, I don’t know how much, but I know and I feel I do :-P And he's such a GREAT kisser. :)

Now - outing part. He met May and she liked him so so so much and Mike liked her and he was amazed how she's so normal and thinks so normally about our relationship. He told his best friend and his best friend (it’s a girl) is now my alibi for my friends. She’s like my girlfriend, and when I’m with Mike, for my friends I’m with (oh, shit I need to think of a name, okay, let’s call her – Emma), so when I'm with Mike I'm "with" Emma. Okay, so for my friends who don’t know about my sexuality I’m with her, dating her, and even for my parents, I told them so I can easy go to the downtown without being asked the strangest questions you will even hear. But later, cause me and Mike has a strange schedule, they are having a lot of me-not-liking-that-girl, typical parents, so I think that I will soon break-up with Emma (hypoteticly for my friends so they won't bore me that much about meeting her and my parents won't be that against her), and from that moment, whenever I go in city and outside I will go with some friends or with a friend (referring to Mike). It will be so much more easier, cause my parents are sometimes really hard and complicated, and now I live for day when I will move. I know that this is kinda harsh, but it’s so much psychical pressure on me.

And now, about telling friends. After realizing that I’m gay I decided to tell a few more friends, close friends. Right now, May isn’t the only one who knows. First, I told one of my best friends, we’ll call him David. Well, I have never had a chance to write about my childhood friends, and I should have done that long time ago, cause they are a huge and really important part of my life and I have started a post million times, but I have never finished it. So, now you’ll meet a few of them, but it will be very brief and not full with details, because our relationship is so complex and so long. For example, I know David for 12 years, which is a very long time. By the way, that childhood friends are from neighbourhood. We went to the same school (Elementary) together, and with one of them I went to a same high school.

One night, me and my friends from childhood and neighbourhood were hanging out at a friend’s house (he was home alone). Our neighbourhood circle of friends count 8 people, 9 with me and we usually hang out during night, after school and all day obligations, talking, chilling and just having fun. I love them so much and we are so much different, but still we are great friends, and I’m so thankful to God because I have them. They mean to me a lot. I have been thinking a lot about telling them, cause I feel all the time like lying to them about myself. Cause, this feelings I have is simply ME, and no one can change that and if I want to have honest and more better relationship with them, I would really like to tell them everything and I would really like them to understand and to accept me like this. So, I won’t talk about them individually, only few details about David. 

All in all, I don’t think that most of them won’t understand this, cause they didn’t reach that level of maturity. I don’t say for myself that I’m so much mature, but simply, when you know someone for 12 years, you know how someone is thinking and you know everything about them. His/her moves, thoughts, behavior, desires, fears, weakness, thoughts about homosexuality etc. So, to a lot of them I can’t tell YET, but I will when I feel the right moment and when I feel that they have open mind for that. Maybe they won't understand that in the start, but after I explain how I felt and what I have experienced, they will.

Ok, let’s get back to David. Oh, and one more fact. We are always together, as a circle of friends, we don’t have two and two who are closer, we are all close. So, it’s really rare to be alone with David or any other and that night we were. It was late and me and him walked home, while the rest of friends stayed in the house of that home alone friend. And after talking to him (just 2 minutes after leaving the house) – I simply felt it, I can tell David. And I wanted to tell him. And I felt so nervous, like never before.

We walked and I asked him: “David, if I told you something and if I ask from you not to tell anyone (meaning our circle of friends), will you do that for me”? David is so good person and he simply can’t refuse someone, and cause I know that me being gay is not even on the corner of his mind, I knew it that he thought about something totally different and totally not-that-serious. Then he said: “I hate when you all do that to me, but okay, tell me, I won’t tell, but I will try later to convince you to tell others.” Then we started to walk around the neighbourhood and I started to talk about something that I have been living my whole life and that it started around when we were seventh grade and blah blah blah. And then I said that maybe it’s better that I don’t tell him but then he persisted and was really interested when I mentioned seventh grade, cause it started long time ago. And then I after few more riddles and two-meaning stories I told him: “Listen, I’m in this relationship almost a month, not two weeks… and Maria (I told them that the girl name is Maria, back then I didn’t have plan with Emma yet) doesn’t exist, but there is someone else…”

And then he realised, he’s so smart and was like: “Wait, wait wait wait wait, you want to tell me that you are… wait wait wait wait wait wait…. you mean, like… g… wait wait wait wait… like g... g... gay.” And I simply said: “Yes.” And then he was shocked… And I started talking immediately and explain him what have I did since I realised and a lot of stuff that was strange for them finally got sense. Like when I end up in hospital when I drink too much and that was only cause D. was next to me and I was drinking with him, and later both me and D. end up in hospital (it was almost three years ago) or when I run away on some party to meet up with Mike, or my strange behaviour when we were at the seaside last year. And his first reaction after wait wait wait was: "That's so messed up because of your parents and living life... It will be so hard... Having kids and stuff like that..." He's such a good friend. And he immediately agreed not telling others YET :) He realised that THIS is serious.

And then our conversation progressed until 5 AM (and we left friend house about 2 AM), and we simply talked and talked and I was really stunned with his reaction, cause I expected his rejection and he took this really good. I talked him about Mike, about V. and about this (meaning homosexuality) being NORMAL and about everything and finally for the first time in my whole life, I felt so relieved and so amazing toward David, I felt totally open and totally like he’s my REAL friend, and because of moments like this I’m grateful for having them in my life. And then, after releasing that we need to go home, and when we were ending our conversation, I asked him my fear: “Well, and now don’t be afraid if I touch you or anything, you know, I have never watched any of you on THAT way, I'm still me…” And he was: “OMG, B. are you crazy… I know you my whole life… See…” and he touched me and I smiled and realised how stupid my conclusion was.
But, you know here in my country, a lot of people are so homophobic, that probably they would not even want someone gay touch them.
And then I asked him did he ever had thoughts like this in his entire life and he said: "No." so that was the last puzzle in accepting my homosexuality, it's not a phase, it's only me. I felt free, and right now I feel so free and finally AMAZING about myself.

Then, tomorrow morning, Mike was visiting me and I told him about telling David and later I even called David to come to meet Mike and Mike was surprised how good he was and how good he accepted all this and I felt amazing.

After that, me and David were going a few times over at Emma’s house to hang out with Mike and Emma and David asked me a lot of questions and he really took this GREAT and I'm so glad because of this. I was honest for the first time in my life toward him and that feeling also felt amazing, cause I knew from moment I came out to him that I can tell him anything and not be afraid… 

And oh yeah, after Mike told Emma about him, she also told him about an affair going on between her and her best friend, Jessica. She told him that she don’t feel lesbian and she’s not attracted by other women, only by Jessica and they really have something SPECIAL. And Jessica found about us (Emma told her, which I understand, but that pissed Mike a bit) and we even went to a party together at Jessica’s house. And there is so many details I would like to tell you right now, but Mike is maybe coming over soon to hang a bit and it’s kinda bit hard to write so much details in English, so I’ll stop now and I will write the second part soon, about telling two of my girl friends from the same circle of friends. And that happened not that long ago.

And one more thing for the end. I decided that I will tell my parents for sure one day, cause I don’t want to hurt them not knowing why I left home one day, but that day will be after I gain my full financial independency, which will be I hope and think in about 4-5 years. I have big plans about going from my country and I will tend to fulfill that wishes and dreams.

Thanks for reading and see you soon. Hope you enjoyed. I missed you all, my readers, my blog, my online friends and my blogosphere… 

Feel free to ask me more questions HERE, more detailed questions about all this past period while I was away, cause I don’t know exactly what interest you, so if you want to ask anything and I mean ANYTHING, please ask, so I will answer all my not answered questions from Ask Me Anything and new one soon.


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