Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My life update - part 2 (The Reasons)

11/30/2010 06:13:00 AM
Yesterday I heard with Mike, it was our first contact after 7 day time while we were forced by his new "boyfriend" not to have any contact at all. It was really hard period for me cause we put at end every contact we had and before that we were in contact every single day from the day we met (and that's about April 28th), one day didn't pass without a message, call, Facebook contact, Windows Live Messenger chat etc... I felt this past 7 days like a whole fucking year.

And then a few days ago I bought one book which is titled "Higher & Higher" and immediately after seeing that book in the shelf in bookstore, I thought about Mike and his problems, so I needed to buy it. It's book about drugs and how to get recovered from them. I've been reading it since then and I almost read it, only few pages left and these two days while I was reading it I was under need to send Mike a message cause I know that this book will sure help him. In every single sentence I found him. I know that he wishes for us not to have contact, cause he is in a very difficult situation with his new "boyfriend" (Chris's bit unstable, crazy and has a lot of problems with his behaviour so he simply "forces" Mike to do something against his will and Mike falls for his tricks only because he cares about him and feels sorry for him, I know that, and I can't do anything against that)... So I ignored that feeling and even thought to put somehow that book under Mike's door or something, or give him through Emma or something, write him a message on Facebook, dunno. I had a million ideas, and then I decided to wait, and to reread the book as many times as I need to, to understand everything, so I can help him even more when he's back, even though I didn't know that he will be back.

And then yesterday, I was really unstable with my feelings and thoughts all considering him, the situation, our break-up, the book and everything considering him, so I wanted a bit lonely time, I was like studying but it didn't work, it wasn't so late so I decided to go out all by myself. I entered a bus and had a random drive throughout a city... I was at a place where one of Mike's friend work and then I passed almost near Mike's neighbourhood, and always holding that book and my "after break-up notebook" (where I wrote my thoughts after break up and all my letters to Mike, imaginative and real ones) close to me, in my jacket... I was simply calling destiny to join us once again, to talk to him, to see if he's okay, to tell him about a book. After chilling my mind by a long bus drive and a long walk, I decided that it's time to go home, and it was really getting late. I entered the last bus that is going to my neighbourhood and then I got message. Because on my small road that night me and Lucy were texting each other about going out in the neighbourhood that night, I supposed that it was her. That was the first time ever I didn't hope that the message is from Mike, and then after taking my phone out of pocket I saw his name on the screen. I was shocked... Truly shocked... It was unbelievable.

He simply wrote: "I needed to send you a message to see are you okay... and what's up?"

Simple, but really dear and really hit me like thunder. I almost cried, dunno why. But I needed to hold my tears cause there were a lot of people around me, so I just hold book in one hand, phone in another and stared in one dot, somewhere between his words "are you okay" and three dots he put there...

I wrote him back: "I'm in my bus, I was taking a walk in the city, I needed that and now I'm reading a REALLY AMAZING book in the bus... How are you?"

And then he told me that he isn't that good, he has mood changes and stuff like that, he's still handling situation with Chris and stuff like that, so I asked is it okay to call him. And I called him. We were talking a lot, I read him some part of a book and he was SHOCKED, cause he always think that no one understands him and I simply knew it that he will like this book. We talked again after me getting back home until 2 AM and I was glad to hear his voice, to see that he's at least a bit okay, and that he's still alive... I'm going through hell, believe me... And then after we hang up... I started thinking again, being pissed off at him and being deep down in love with him, understanding him, trying to understand him, all in the same time... Strange feelings. I couldn't fall asleep until 7 AM and I that was really emotional stress for me...

Now, one more day and a few hours passed without a contact from him... I feel sad and bit depressed... Funny strange feeling, like I'm empty and dunno, like some shell, and I know that I can't make the first move (I made them a million times in the past just for the record) because his boyfriend will make him a huge problem, cause he's really crazy (he takes some anti-depression pills and goes to psychiatrist and he has a mental illness history in his family)... And for him being with Mike is everything. I got his twisted idea and that's why I leave them both aside and allowed Mike to help him, cause he really cares about Chris. But, like I said, Mike is really cold and bitter person, still with a million problems on his own and I simply know that problem like Chris will make him feel even worse. He's also unstable, very unstable. I won't handle if anything happens to Mike... I wanted to help him, I struggled two fucking months with my feelings after break up and I tried not to look at developing of their relationship, I tried not to hear Mike voice when speaking with Chris on the phone, I tried to understand Mike and Chris, and why we broke up, I tried to be there for him, even though he left me for Chris and even though I know that he has feelings for Chris. I tried not to notice that, and every single detail I just mentioned left a HUGE scar on my already broken heart. And then it came a day when Chris made Mike to break every contact with me. I respected Mike's wish not to send him a message nor to call him nor anything, cause I know that it will make a huge problem with Chris.

I'm having the worst experience ever, believe me. I'm totally broken... I will put one song. This one song was shown to me by Mike and since then I listen it like million times a day... The words are really piercing (especially the first two strophes)!!!


Friday, November 26, 2010

Surprising guy at dating site

11/26/2010 12:24:00 PM
Yesterday (well, it's more today early morning cause I was staying awake late), while chatting online and hanging out at THE gay dating site I received a message from some guy which really surprised me, and that guy kinda "forced" me to think about him the whole day...

In my profile I put a lot of I WANT and I DON'T WANT, cause the people there are looking only for one thing and that's sex. Cause I don't have any other option to find someone, you need to be bit harsh and rough. And then I got this message (cause I said I don't want the person who lies):

If someone asks you: "Are you gay?", and you say that you aren't, then aren't you the one who is a liar? ;)

Very clever question and simply when I read it, I was surprised, cause I saw immediately that behind that sentence lies a very smart, mature and open-minded brain. Of course I got interested.

And after that I replied with a very long message explaining that I will lie only if I don't feel comfortable to tell that person, and that it would be a white lie, only to protect myself and the rest of people who know about me, cause it's not safe to tell everybody that you are gay, it can affect a lot of people (not just you). Than we progressed in section where he suspects my "accepting myself" and I simply was astonished with guy and his way of thinking, so open minded and so great. He was totally different from everybody there, and then I looked at his profile and I was surprised how cute he is and how popular he is, he has about 60.000 profile views...

Very mysterious and amazing person. With one word, surprising and fresh, yeah, fresh, that's the best adjective I could think off right now, he really gave me some belief in this gay world... I think I started to feel bit bitter like Mike :(

And it was late, we started talking about a lot of subjects, I can't tell you yet which ones, cause I first need to blog about them, but you will find out soon... And simply I couldn't stop, but we needed to go, cause I was waking up early and he had to work. I can't wait to talk to him tonight... :)
P.S. OMG, while I was typing this post, that person came online at that dating site, what a coincidence :P


Thursday, November 25, 2010

My life update – part 1

11/25/2010 08:32:00 PM
Let’s start. It’s about 8 PM right now.

I’m sitting here in this coffee shop, drinking my tea, looking around and watching these people. I feel like a stranger, cause really I’m a stranger. And not only because I'm "different", I simply feel like a stranger, when speaking mentally, I don’t connect with the most of these people here cause I think I’m misunderstood. It’s very fancy coffee shop and I can say very discreet and beautiful, small place where you can sit and enjoy your lonely time.

My friends from University just left to attend some scholar activities which includes singing and stuff like that, so I'm left here alone. I didn't go to my English class cause I really wanted a bit time to be alone and to write my blog. In past few days/weeks I was looking for loneliness cause I really need it, to clear my thoughts and to simply be alone, it’s my way to make it through. Me and Mike broke up and it really was hard for me, as far almost the hardest thing in my life. He hurt me on the most unbelievable way you can imagine and of course I didn’t expect it, I gave him everything and I expected (of course with caution) a lot from him, but still I was cautious, and thank God, but I’m mentally very strong or I would go mad by now. My heart is broken and I'm still emotionally stressed to write about this right now (at least to write about everything). With time you'll get the whole picture of the whole breakup, I think. It really is too complicated to explain it in just a few words. I got disappointed and not just by him, but with whole gay society here in my country. I can't describe it with any other adjective but "disgusting", in every meaning of that word. And I even have fears that anywhere in the world the situation is almost same or at least similar to this one.

Even in this coffee shop there was a few gay people, you can really tell that they are gay and I had noticed them a lot in this coffee shop, it's very near my department of University and there're really a lot of cute guys, too, to be honest, but of course, you can’t openly approach them, well, you can, but, honestly, I don’t have that much guts to do that. It isn’t dangerous (so you won’t get the wrong picture over my society), nor the people will do anything bad about that, but I think that I wouldn’t be able to handle the looks, the stare when everybody is looking at you and they simply know.

But even writing this is kinda risky, cause I feel that someone will read the words "gay" but I'm in a corner and no one can look at my screen, so it's safe. My city has about 2 million citizens, but still, it feels like really small city and if this guy next to me sees anything, who knows who knows him and to whom he can tell. And also, who knows will I even meet him in the future, cause like I said, I’m very social and maybe I can even meet him in some club. Sounds bit paranoid, but believe me, here, people talks a lot and you simply can’t know to who you can trust. And like I said, the world is really small, believe me. And the less people know about me, the better.

What can I tell you more? Oh, I didn't hear with Mike in 5 days. I'm only glad to see that he's alright and alive by his Facebook statuses and seeing him online at THE online gay dating site. I didn't see him in 7 days and I feel very strange about that thought. I miss him so very fucking much. But I need to stay away, because he will have a lot of problems with his new/old boyfriend. Also, I noticed that I can handle not to see him, even I’m used to him a lot, which is also strange. I thought that it will be even harder. It is hard, but not THAT hard. I have a lot of GOOD friends and the people who worth next to me and a lot of other activities who make me not to think about him and I'm grateful for that, even though it sounds bit harsh, and from this you can see that I'm bit mad at Mike, with reason, believe me...

We broke up almost three months ago and since then I tried to be there for him, cause he still has a lot of problems considering his parents, drugs, money and psychical state of his mind. Even though he hurt me like no one hurt me before, I still was there for him, and I wanted to do anything for him, but simply it's impossible to have me and to have Chris, his new boyfriend. And it’s simply impossible for me to be there with him, cause I’m still in love with him, and to watch how he is building his relationship with Chris, even though that I know that he won’t get attached to Chris that much, cause he’s cold, disappointed person, and he doesn’t trusts people that much anymore. He got disappointed first with his parents and family (which is serious thing), then with gays, then with friends and he became bitter, disappointed person. I sensed that in him and with joy (yeah, I know that it will sound egocentric, but simply it is true and everybody says that) I can tell that I brought him back a very tiny little bit and I’m so glad because of that, that’s why I wanted to stay next to him no matter what. He is really a great person, but still hidden deep down behind that bitter, disappointed, cold shell.

Oh my God, my thoughts are so confusing even for me, there’s so much I need to tell you and I simply don’t have time to tell you everything, so I will try to write and to tell the most important stuff and I hope that you will get the whole picture from it.

Okay, with this I’ll try to finish my post. One more thing, cause I’m a lot behind answering my questions on formspring.me, I will add one question to every new post I make (and now I know that there will be a lot of posts in future times).

First unanswered question was some questions asked 6 months ago (somewhere in June or May I think):

Have you any plans for summer holidays? And will you go with Mike or rather alone (I mean with parents maybe or something)?

My previous answer while I was writing new blog post few months ago (while I was still with Mike and I didn’t managed to publish it) was: I had a lot of plans for summer, I planned to go somewhere abroad to work for a bit until the summer holiday is finished, and to make some money and to finally buy professional camera, but I couldn’t cause I was visited with some cousins and I couldn’t find anyone from my friends to go with me, so the whole summer time I stayed at my current city and enjoyed and developed my relationship with Mike.

My current answer is: SAME :) and plans for next summer are similar. I was planning to go somewhere together with Mike, but now that goal is kinda impossible, even though we also planned to go somewhere together as “friends” after we broke up. We wanted to work in a foreign country and to enjoy some other culture and another way of living, maybe a bit openly than this one. Who knows what will happen, but I will tend to accomplish my goal, I’m even applying for some agency that offers that kind jobs, and even Au Pair, if you know what is that. If you don’t know, please find out here. We’ll see. I simply won’t go with parents nowhere, we never go anywhere together, cause they are kinda old, maybe for a few days with mom to visit my aunt. Also, there’s option to go with my best friends from neighbourhood, for a few days of one week at the seaside. That’s all about my next summer.

OK, that’s all for now, thanks for reading, enjoy your day, and expect next post in couple of days or even in a couple of hours with all new details and happenings. You won’t get bored believe me.


Long time no see

11/25/2010 03:53:00 AM
Hello everybody, I missed you all very very much. I'm so glad to see that my blog is still followed and that I still have some visits. I'm so so sorry because I didn't updated in a very long time, I simply didn't have the need nor urge nor inspiration to write anything down, but now I want to update you with my life and to continue reading about yours (people who I'm following). A lot had happened and I experienced a huge amount of happenings in past six months. I can with certainty tell you that this period was my life changing period. You'll all see why...

From now on, the blog is again active, and now I have urge to write almost every day... Can't wait to start, I'll start tomorrow, right now I'm in my bed, ready to go to sleep, and tomorrow in coffee shop, you'll get the first post after long break (I don't know exactly how much have passed, but for me it feels like ages, dunno why)...

Thank you so much, to everybody who are reading these lines, it means a world to me...

Your's B.



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