Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My life update - part 2 (The Reasons)

11/30/2010 06:13:00 AM
Yesterday I heard with Mike, it was our first contact after 7 day time while we were forced by his new "boyfriend" not to have any contact at all. It was really hard period for me cause we put at end every contact we had and before that we were in contact every single day from the day we met (and that's about April 28th), one day didn't pass without a message, call, Facebook contact, Windows Live Messenger chat etc... I felt this past 7 days like a whole fucking year.

And then a few days ago I bought one book which is titled "Higher & Higher" and immediately after seeing that book in the shelf in bookstore, I thought about Mike and his problems, so I needed to buy it. It's book about drugs and how to get recovered from them. I've been reading it since then and I almost read it, only few pages left and these two days while I was reading it I was under need to send Mike a message cause I know that this book will sure help him. In every single sentence I found him. I know that he wishes for us not to have contact, cause he is in a very difficult situation with his new "boyfriend" (Chris's bit unstable, crazy and has a lot of problems with his behaviour so he simply "forces" Mike to do something against his will and Mike falls for his tricks only because he cares about him and feels sorry for him, I know that, and I can't do anything against that)... So I ignored that feeling and even thought to put somehow that book under Mike's door or something, or give him through Emma or something, write him a message on Facebook, dunno. I had a million ideas, and then I decided to wait, and to reread the book as many times as I need to, to understand everything, so I can help him even more when he's back, even though I didn't know that he will be back.

And then yesterday, I was really unstable with my feelings and thoughts all considering him, the situation, our break-up, the book and everything considering him, so I wanted a bit lonely time, I was like studying but it didn't work, it wasn't so late so I decided to go out all by myself. I entered a bus and had a random drive throughout a city... I was at a place where one of Mike's friend work and then I passed almost near Mike's neighbourhood, and always holding that book and my "after break-up notebook" (where I wrote my thoughts after break up and all my letters to Mike, imaginative and real ones) close to me, in my jacket... I was simply calling destiny to join us once again, to talk to him, to see if he's okay, to tell him about a book. After chilling my mind by a long bus drive and a long walk, I decided that it's time to go home, and it was really getting late. I entered the last bus that is going to my neighbourhood and then I got message. Because on my small road that night me and Lucy were texting each other about going out in the neighbourhood that night, I supposed that it was her. That was the first time ever I didn't hope that the message is from Mike, and then after taking my phone out of pocket I saw his name on the screen. I was shocked... Truly shocked... It was unbelievable.

He simply wrote: "I needed to send you a message to see are you okay... and what's up?"

Simple, but really dear and really hit me like thunder. I almost cried, dunno why. But I needed to hold my tears cause there were a lot of people around me, so I just hold book in one hand, phone in another and stared in one dot, somewhere between his words "are you okay" and three dots he put there...

I wrote him back: "I'm in my bus, I was taking a walk in the city, I needed that and now I'm reading a REALLY AMAZING book in the bus... How are you?"

And then he told me that he isn't that good, he has mood changes and stuff like that, he's still handling situation with Chris and stuff like that, so I asked is it okay to call him. And I called him. We were talking a lot, I read him some part of a book and he was SHOCKED, cause he always think that no one understands him and I simply knew it that he will like this book. We talked again after me getting back home until 2 AM and I was glad to hear his voice, to see that he's at least a bit okay, and that he's still alive... I'm going through hell, believe me... And then after we hang up... I started thinking again, being pissed off at him and being deep down in love with him, understanding him, trying to understand him, all in the same time... Strange feelings. I couldn't fall asleep until 7 AM and I that was really emotional stress for me...

Now, one more day and a few hours passed without a contact from him... I feel sad and bit depressed... Funny strange feeling, like I'm empty and dunno, like some shell, and I know that I can't make the first move (I made them a million times in the past just for the record) because his boyfriend will make him a huge problem, cause he's really crazy (he takes some anti-depression pills and goes to psychiatrist and he has a mental illness history in his family)... And for him being with Mike is everything. I got his twisted idea and that's why I leave them both aside and allowed Mike to help him, cause he really cares about Chris. But, like I said, Mike is really cold and bitter person, still with a million problems on his own and I simply know that problem like Chris will make him feel even worse. He's also unstable, very unstable. I won't handle if anything happens to Mike... I wanted to help him, I struggled two fucking months with my feelings after break up and I tried not to look at developing of their relationship, I tried not to hear Mike voice when speaking with Chris on the phone, I tried to understand Mike and Chris, and why we broke up, I tried to be there for him, even though he left me for Chris and even though I know that he has feelings for Chris. I tried not to notice that, and every single detail I just mentioned left a HUGE scar on my already broken heart. And then it came a day when Chris made Mike to break every contact with me. I respected Mike's wish not to send him a message nor to call him nor anything, cause I know that it will make a huge problem with Chris.

I'm having the worst experience ever, believe me. I'm totally broken... I will put one song. This one song was shown to me by Mike and since then I listen it like million times a day... The words are really piercing (especially the first two strophes)!!!

About the author

Secret Blogger is writing about his life, living as a gay guy in a homophobic society.


  1. Well B I think the problem is that you are a guy who has his act together while you are in love with a guy who does not. I'm getting the impression that Mike is messed up on drugs and his new bf Chris is not much better. Personally I don't mind if a guy dabbles in a bit of pot smoking or the occasional social drink as long as it is kept under control. Harder drugs are a bigger problem and even harder on the head. The brain is a complex electro-chemical carbon-based unit that has a natural balance. When a psycho-active substance is introduced frequently and long enough then the brain chemically adjusts to it over time; this is called tolerance. Withdrawal means suffering and nervous breakdowns and that is called addiction. I don't trust people who are addicted to drugs either legal or illegal; they will use you to suit their purposes cos their drug habit has top priority in their lives.
    -So B I think that you deserve another gay guy who has his act together (educated and level headed) so keep your options open. A gay guy who is messed up on booze/drugs is a red flag and unless he is really willing to clean up and be a warm emotional person with you then cut your losses. You want a gay lover who supports you, not one who will be a continuous burden. If Mike ever wants to get back with you, it should be on YOUR terms not his. As for Chris, can't he talk with you without being insanely jealous and possessive? I dunno; maybe it is time to move on and count Mike as a first love cos there are other fantastic lovers out there. The hurt is temporary and you will get over it, but don't bet all your money on one horse. bfn - Wayne (how is your education coming along?)

  2. :-( ::HUGS::

    That sucks to hear. Try not to dwell on Mike too much. Help him where you can, but you can't do that much for him if he doesn't really want it. Learning to let go is one of the most difficult things in life, I think.



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