Thursday, November 25, 2010

My life update – part 1

11/25/2010 08:32:00 PM
Let’s start. It’s about 8 PM right now.

I’m sitting here in this coffee shop, drinking my tea, looking around and watching these people. I feel like a stranger, cause really I’m a stranger. And not only because I'm "different", I simply feel like a stranger, when speaking mentally, I don’t connect with the most of these people here cause I think I’m misunderstood. It’s very fancy coffee shop and I can say very discreet and beautiful, small place where you can sit and enjoy your lonely time.

My friends from University just left to attend some scholar activities which includes singing and stuff like that, so I'm left here alone. I didn't go to my English class cause I really wanted a bit time to be alone and to write my blog. In past few days/weeks I was looking for loneliness cause I really need it, to clear my thoughts and to simply be alone, it’s my way to make it through. Me and Mike broke up and it really was hard for me, as far almost the hardest thing in my life. He hurt me on the most unbelievable way you can imagine and of course I didn’t expect it, I gave him everything and I expected (of course with caution) a lot from him, but still I was cautious, and thank God, but I’m mentally very strong or I would go mad by now. My heart is broken and I'm still emotionally stressed to write about this right now (at least to write about everything). With time you'll get the whole picture of the whole breakup, I think. It really is too complicated to explain it in just a few words. I got disappointed and not just by him, but with whole gay society here in my country. I can't describe it with any other adjective but "disgusting", in every meaning of that word. And I even have fears that anywhere in the world the situation is almost same or at least similar to this one.

Even in this coffee shop there was a few gay people, you can really tell that they are gay and I had noticed them a lot in this coffee shop, it's very near my department of University and there're really a lot of cute guys, too, to be honest, but of course, you can’t openly approach them, well, you can, but, honestly, I don’t have that much guts to do that. It isn’t dangerous (so you won’t get the wrong picture over my society), nor the people will do anything bad about that, but I think that I wouldn’t be able to handle the looks, the stare when everybody is looking at you and they simply know.

But even writing this is kinda risky, cause I feel that someone will read the words "gay" but I'm in a corner and no one can look at my screen, so it's safe. My city has about 2 million citizens, but still, it feels like really small city and if this guy next to me sees anything, who knows who knows him and to whom he can tell. And also, who knows will I even meet him in the future, cause like I said, I’m very social and maybe I can even meet him in some club. Sounds bit paranoid, but believe me, here, people talks a lot and you simply can’t know to who you can trust. And like I said, the world is really small, believe me. And the less people know about me, the better.

What can I tell you more? Oh, I didn't hear with Mike in 5 days. I'm only glad to see that he's alright and alive by his Facebook statuses and seeing him online at THE online gay dating site. I didn't see him in 7 days and I feel very strange about that thought. I miss him so very fucking much. But I need to stay away, because he will have a lot of problems with his new/old boyfriend. Also, I noticed that I can handle not to see him, even I’m used to him a lot, which is also strange. I thought that it will be even harder. It is hard, but not THAT hard. I have a lot of GOOD friends and the people who worth next to me and a lot of other activities who make me not to think about him and I'm grateful for that, even though it sounds bit harsh, and from this you can see that I'm bit mad at Mike, with reason, believe me...

We broke up almost three months ago and since then I tried to be there for him, cause he still has a lot of problems considering his parents, drugs, money and psychical state of his mind. Even though he hurt me like no one hurt me before, I still was there for him, and I wanted to do anything for him, but simply it's impossible to have me and to have Chris, his new boyfriend. And it’s simply impossible for me to be there with him, cause I’m still in love with him, and to watch how he is building his relationship with Chris, even though that I know that he won’t get attached to Chris that much, cause he’s cold, disappointed person, and he doesn’t trusts people that much anymore. He got disappointed first with his parents and family (which is serious thing), then with gays, then with friends and he became bitter, disappointed person. I sensed that in him and with joy (yeah, I know that it will sound egocentric, but simply it is true and everybody says that) I can tell that I brought him back a very tiny little bit and I’m so glad because of that, that’s why I wanted to stay next to him no matter what. He is really a great person, but still hidden deep down behind that bitter, disappointed, cold shell.

Oh my God, my thoughts are so confusing even for me, there’s so much I need to tell you and I simply don’t have time to tell you everything, so I will try to write and to tell the most important stuff and I hope that you will get the whole picture from it.

Okay, with this I’ll try to finish my post. One more thing, cause I’m a lot behind answering my questions on, I will add one question to every new post I make (and now I know that there will be a lot of posts in future times).

First unanswered question was some questions asked 6 months ago (somewhere in June or May I think):

Have you any plans for summer holidays? And will you go with Mike or rather alone (I mean with parents maybe or something)?

My previous answer while I was writing new blog post few months ago (while I was still with Mike and I didn’t managed to publish it) was: I had a lot of plans for summer, I planned to go somewhere abroad to work for a bit until the summer holiday is finished, and to make some money and to finally buy professional camera, but I couldn’t cause I was visited with some cousins and I couldn’t find anyone from my friends to go with me, so the whole summer time I stayed at my current city and enjoyed and developed my relationship with Mike.

My current answer is: SAME :) and plans for next summer are similar. I was planning to go somewhere together with Mike, but now that goal is kinda impossible, even though we also planned to go somewhere together as “friends” after we broke up. We wanted to work in a foreign country and to enjoy some other culture and another way of living, maybe a bit openly than this one. Who knows what will happen, but I will tend to accomplish my goal, I’m even applying for some agency that offers that kind jobs, and even Au Pair, if you know what is that. If you don’t know, please find out here. We’ll see. I simply won’t go with parents nowhere, we never go anywhere together, cause they are kinda old, maybe for a few days with mom to visit my aunt. Also, there’s option to go with my best friends from neighbourhood, for a few days of one week at the seaside. That’s all about my next summer.

OK, that’s all for now, thanks for reading, enjoy your day, and expect next post in couple of days or even in a couple of hours with all new details and happenings. You won’t get bored believe me.

About the author

Secret Blogger is writing about his life, living as a gay guy in a homophobic society.


  1. I definitely empathise with you about other people being nosy and gossipy about sexuality. I get angry at str8 people who never have to get stressed over their sexuality but they love to put gay people through hell. I think it is also important not to place all of your self-worth on the love of one person and I think you realise this; infatuation is part of the sex drive and getting over it can take many months. I guess it is hard more so for gay guys to find a guy who is loyal and committed. But str8 young people have the same problems of fidelity so don't think it is only gays. Look on this as opportunity to find a new bf and enjoy your freedom for a while; continuing to be 'just friends' with Mike might just prolong the hurt you feel and you deserve better. bfn - Wayne :) (are you continuing with your education?)

  2. :-( ::Hugs::

    Glad to see that you're standing strong. Sounds like there's a lot for you to tell, without a great way to tell it. Little by little, get it off your chest. You'll be okay.

  3. @wayner: I don't think that it's only gays, but it's so fucking hard to find someone, first, small country, second, homophobic, third, 90% are only for fast sex, fourth, everybody knows everybody, fifth, what you said a lot of them are not loyal and have a lot of issues accepting themselves, so it's hard, but I don't lose hope, NEVER!!! :) Even if I need to go out from this shit ass country and I will one for sure...

    @Aek: New (shocking) posts are coming soon ;)


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