Sunday, December 19, 2010

Reunion with Mike

12/19/2010 05:41:00 PM
This one will be quick post to get you guys updated and also not to make myself explain all this later when I decide to write again.

After almost 21 days without contact, and every day seemed like whole month to me, me and Mike started to hear from each other again. He is still with Chris. We hanged out a few days, I gave him the book (Higher & Higher), which was a huge relief to me cause I know that it will help him a lot, and we talked a lot. I felt kinda different, cause my aching heart was still very hurt, I couldn't look at him, I couldn't talk to him normally, cause I was hurt and I still am, kinda... We even talked about whole situation, but you need to be careful with him cause he's very unstable person, very bitter and very depressed because of everything that happened to him (parents, drugs, ex boyfriends, friends, his dreams...)

And than 4 days ago I called him and we had a regular talk over the phone and in the same time Chris called him, we needed to hang up, cause Chris will noticed the second call and make a scene and make a problem. Than Mike told me to call him when they finished and then he said that we need to break contact again, cause he doesn't want to lie Chris, and Chris's not stupid, he'll figure things out, and Mike also said that he doesn't want to lie to me either and stuff like that... And then we said "goodbye" once more, I wrote him again some pathetic message and that was it. He got the point that AGAIN after all I withdraw myself from them all because of Mike, cause I know that he's unstable and that he doesn't need any stress in his life, even though HE and only HE is to blame for all this problem. He hooked up with Chris, he cheated me, he made the problem, and I simply know that he will run away someday to his mother in foreign country, cause he's like that. When the stuff gets to much stressful, he'll disappear. Which is kinda normal for all human beings, but still I don't get why is he still with Chris, he says that he cares for him and stuff like that, and I understand that, but still why he doesn't want me there and why he doesn't want the relationship with me and three days before whole chaos everything was like in paradise.... He wanted a friendship with me (which is kinda impossible for me with all this feelings) and Chris made him break contact with me and he let him to stop our friendship and before that our relationship. Mike is to blame and both of them destroyed me, but I'm holding on okay. So, because I don't want to make him any more stressful and to save my mental health, I stepped away and I let them go for the second time. What a fool I am... But never mind...

Now I feel like I finally let it go, and this 6 days without meeting and 4 days without phone contact are kinda easier than the first 21 days from the last break. And while we got together again, I felt like I don't care that much, and he stabbed my heart for the third time (when he choose Chris for the third time over me) and I decided that I won't care anymore. He wants to be with Chris, so there you go, you are free now and go fuck yourself. Sorry for swearing, but I'm kinda pissed and I need to say that.

I don't want to be loser, poor and desperate person and to send you some pathetic messages which you won't even understand nor you will pay attention to them, cause you became a cold, bitter, self-destructing person. I wanted to help you and I still want to, but you choose Chris over me and I don't want to exist in your life anymore. You want to help him (to get him better and to feel accepted cause he's mentally insane and has difficult family life, but you will kill yourself mentally slowly like that and you will make even bigger problem for Chris later, if he gets too attached). There is always a way to go away from relationship like that, but instead of that you chose to be with him. So there you go, be with him, make yourself insane. This maybe sounds harsh, but I don't want to torture my heart anymore, I'll get over you. I also noticed that I feel better than I felt before and it's easier for me and I feel happy. I just don't want to see you for a very long time.

I returned to my hobbies and to my dreams, and I feel fur-fulled. I'm making some website and I'm all into design now, webhostings, digital art, photography, writing, reading and internet marketing. These are my goals for now, I enjoyed my time with Mike and I will never forget it, but now I need time for myself to recover from this mess. Also I would like to make some profit online and simply I want to live MY life without Mike. I don't need him anymore and that's the most amazing revelation I got in past 6 months...

I'm also planning to start blog in my own mother tongue to see reactions of people in my own country, right now I'm thinking about the domain name and soon, maybe even this "secret" blog will get .com domain ;). I would really like that... The blog will be probably about gay life in my country and all the subjects I think that is worth writing. Like that I will give my contribution to gay society and to gay people in my country and in the world.

I'm also saving money for a professional digital camera :) and I can't wait to start with photography...

Thank you all for your support and for reading...
P.S. Also, to wayner and all of you who are wondering about my education. My education is doing great, I'm almost at the end of third semester and I'm student with "okayish" grades. Of course, I was distracted by whole situation, but my final exams (for this semester) are going to begin in January so I have time to study and to replenish my knowledge... And almost two months I didn't study at all, but I woke up from a dream and I'm back to reality... See ya in the next post :)

About the author

Secret Blogger is writing about his life, living as a gay guy in a homophobic society.


  1. It sounds like you have things worked out ok B. You know that I am a retired gay guy, and looking back you never know for sure what is for the best. Maybe you and Mike together for the long run would have been a disaster and you would miss out on that perfect guy for you. Fate is a fickle and funny thing; you never know what is REALLY for the best! Sometimes a down period in life is opportunity knocking. Always be optimistic and hope for the best but EXPECT that there will be setbacks sometimes. You need a guy who has his head together, complement you, and not be a source of stress. And wtf, you are young, smart and a good catch! Get the gadar out around that school, but your education takes priority over your social life so work hard to improve your grades. And enjoy your freedom. bfn - Wayne :)

  2. Wow. Tense situation! It's good to hear that you're slowly letting go of the whole situation. You have more important things to focus on right now!!

    Best of luck to ya with everything!!

  3. That was quite a bunch of stuff you went thru! One thing I'm glad to read was u finally calling it quits with Mike after he chose Chris over u....but i am surprised how u stood up for it 3 times! :o

    What was gng on in ur head, kid?

    Anyways...good to c u life back on track and to read ur doing good! Take care!

  4. I miss you! and I am glad that things are getting better on your side. Please keep taking good care of yourself coz you're amazing and you're gonna be successful in life.. so you should keep working hard and setting your priorities up!!

    I am sorry you had to go through all that hardship but I believe that it all made you much stronger now.

    Love you!

  5. Thank you everybody... I'm fine now and I'm glad to read your posts... It means so much and Phunk, the post will be ready soon and it's very juicy, I'm writing it in some kind of a essay, so that's why it took that long... And it's very emotional and sensitive, that's why it was very hard to write... Soon it will be published

  6. @Sam: I sent you and email, my friend, I miss you too

  7. Despite how you're feeling, and I understand why you feel pissed off and why you're upset, you just have to stop and think.

    Do you want to be with someone who is like that? Do you want to be connected with someone like that? He has a boyfriend/partner lover, but can't help but go behind his back and see you, can't make up his mind, keeps hurting people, keeps upsetting those around him. Sure, he's been through a lot in his life. But we all have. I experienced drugs, alcoholism, mental illnesses and abusive partners, but I don't go around hurting other people's feelings and I certainly don't go around being unfaithful. If you got with him ... what do you think he'd do? The same thing would happen but you would be in Chris' situation instead, and honey, I have been in Chris' situation and it's just as bad as what you're feeling. If you want my honest opinion, you are best out of it. Away from a person like that. You need to be by yourself, experience what it's like to care for yourself, love yourself, be alone. You don't want to be tied to someone who can't stay committed, can't make up their mind, and keeps giving reason and blaming it on everything else around them and things that have happened to them.

    So yeah, I'm glad your out of it. You need time to yourself hun. At least a year, you'll be surprised at just how fast it'll move and how much you'll get done. By which time someone will appear who doesn't have mental instabilities, or likes to blame their mistakes on other things, and who isn't tied to someone, and isn't unfaithful. It happens, trust me.

  8. Honestly, I was stunned with your comment, from top to bottom, and I'm so glad you write it, cause you are RIGHT... But it's so hard to let it go, I know and I'm aware of that. Also, I'm in that famous struggle where I need to decide between heart and brain, and I'm choosing brain, but I did something which will be okay... I tried to make some relationship with Chris... That's how I can be around Mike, i don't have anything bad on my mind, I just care about Mike, cause he is really nice even though he's problematic...

    We'll see... And I'm so amazed how you understood me :) THanks one more time... I LOVE THIS BLOG


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