Thursday, December 8, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Long title, and I think it will be long post...
Okay, now, let's get back to the gay club going out.
Also, after that night, we decided to go out to another gay club in the city, that first one which was closed, which was my idea, because I heard a nice stories about that place and U. told me lot of nice compliments about that place. We (George and I) went there on 7th of October and I drank a lot, because I got scared. David, Lucy, Lucy's girl friend (she's bisexual), David's girlfriend (Cathrin, my colleague from University), Joanna, and their friend were our company.
After that okayish first experience, we went one more time there, it was all of a sudden, and it was better than the first and second time, but the third time was amazing! It was huge party with about 300-400 participants, and I wrote a post before going there. That night I met U. (I knew that he will come, because he loves Lady Gaga) and I talked with him for some short time, I was also bit drunk, but not like the first time, and we were okay, I introduced him to George and Joanna and he met me with a friend of his and showed me others, who I knew from the story while we were together. I was really glad that I saw him and to see he is okay. Then I continued to go around the club and I met the most unexpected person there - it was V.
Remember him? A guy who is "kinda" my first boyfriend, small relationship of two weeks I had when I started coming out to the world. It was nice meeting him, we talked, and I also was glad because I saw him. After that I met my neighbour, a kid (okay, for me he's a kid), and a girl who also lives in my neighbourhood, and she works there as a waiter, but I already met her the first night, so it wasn't a surprise. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that I met a second year colleague of my department the first night I went to the club, he always was obviously gay (style, behavior etc.) and we never spoke before that night, and after finding out about each other (officially) we became good friends, and we even have some classes together, so slowly, more and more people at my department knows about me, but I don't care. I told Cathrin, Joanna and one another girl (that was an accident), then this colleague find out when he saw me in the club, now his friend, who is also nice, knows... And so on, I won't bore you with this, I just wanted to mention him, because he's now a part of my life, a new gay friend :)
As the night progressed, I ended up with V. on the dance floor, and we kissed after some dancing (again), (btw that was my first time that I danced with a guy in some club or whatever), and now I was the initiator. I don't know was it alcohol, or the wish to forget U. while he was there, or desire to just kiss with someone, or not to be alone, but it was nice and okay experience. Later he asked me if I want to go to his place, and cleverly I accepted.
Nothing serious happened, to be honest I went with him because he proposed like (I quote) "We don't need to do anything if you don't want to, but it's nice to have someone close to you, so you don't sleep alone" and I wanted to see his intentions, to see how much I really knew him and how much did he change and how much will I resist the temptation. I realised that I won't do anything with him shortly after going from club, it was just kissing and a bj, and V. literally begged me to have sex, and I refused, because it didn't fell right, and he was very persistent, and I didn't like that, too. He was so turned on, and desperate so he after telling me to be a bottom (playing the role of a macho-man), said that he'll be a bottom, because he desperately was looking for sex. And later he'll do me, so it will be "equal".
It was weird, I wasn't really "okay" with the proposal and I clearly said "no", which clearly pissed him off (because all that smooth talk was to make me go to bed and I knew that) and I saw his intentions right away but I wanted to see how far will he go, and I stayed to my principals (even though I was way too drunk after) and clearly said "No!". He just jerked off, cleaned himself up, turned away to other side and try to fall asleep... Later he turned back, hugged me and we fall asleep together. In some awkward way, it was cute and sweet :)
When we woke up, around 8 AM, I just went outside, we kissed each other on the door lightly and even though he said that he would like to stay in contact with me after that night (we lost touch a long time ago, he changed the number, I deleted him from FB and so on), he didn't even send a message or anything, and I didn't hear from him since. And to be honest, I don't want to.
And I was glad because I was a tough bitch and I stayed to my principals and didn't let him use me, because I would have felt used after that night if something had happened. I returned home with grin on my face... And I realized V. is not a guy for me and I'm glad nothing beside that from above happened between us. It was something like karma, because of our past and him leaving a wound on my heart (okay, this sounded sooo pathethic :P) I didn't like him one bit, he showed me his real face, but I was glad to see he's okay.
Thanks for reading...
Friday, November 18, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
I just want to share one more stuff with the people from this blog. It's a good part of our relationship and really nice memory. A picture U. sent me while he was on Corfu and I was back. It was so romantic picture which really meant a lot to me, but later it became really disturbing to watch, and I planned to share with you in some better mood than this one, but the reality is different. Enjoy! :D
Monday, October 3, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Later, I found out that he published a book, somewhere around November 2010 and that is a time when my breakup happened and after seeing the cover and seeing it's a biography, all I wanted is to get that book somehow. And I did, I got some money and I bought book in August of 2011, it took me so much time, but I got it. I wanted to learn more about him and also to improve my English.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Now the romantic part of the movie starts ;)
We were driving toward the second beach and took turn on the road and we reached the beach quickly, parked the ATV and decided to have a meal. We found some beautiful restaurant near the seaside and sat there. The waiter came, we ordered and I used my Greek once more. We were talking, watching the beach, the waves and it was really like in movies, on some first date scene. He was joking, showing me his phone, we were talking, and then the meal came. We ate and we discussed food. After a while, when the bill came, it was the best 20€ spent on the entire holiday and it was my last money. But I didn’t care; I had a great time with him and I enjoyed every single second of it and tomorrow I was going back home.
Then we took our ATV and in the restaurant I asked him would he like to go to another beach or somewhere else (and I was thinking about going in some woods and just enjoying our time together alone) and he said that he would like to go somewhere else ;) And there we went. I drove ATV toward some woods near some town in the middle of island. I had a towel in my bag so we parked ATV near the roads and sat on the ground. Then we were kissing and making out a little, but he felt really uncomfortable because the road was near and we could hear the cars coming and even one family with baby passed us (but they didn’t see us) so we stopped, and just sat there and talked about future, how we see each other in 10 years, about the gay issues in our country and about everything else that came on our mind. And we lost track of time. I accidentally looked at my watch and saw that we have like 45 minutes until the due for renting the ATV. We packed our things, kissed very quickly and headed back to the town we were in.
We got there in time and it was a very quick ride and it was very funny because U. was very scared and always told me like: ‘Slower, slower!’ and it was so sweet and so cute. For one part of road he also was driving.
After we returned ATV we were walking a lil bit through our town and planned the night, because it was going to be my last night there and we planned to meet up.
The plan was to meet up around 3 AM in the same club we met. And then we said goodbye and I returned to the hotel with the huge grin all over my face. When David noticed me he was laughing in his specific way and telling me (‘I know you had a good time’). And I really did have a GREAT time...
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
We continued to dance… and then the music stopped, Isaac and the first guy climbed down the table, and the girl who fell also climbed down. Some shit was happening, and that’s why they stopped the music. The guy in blue shirt and me were standing alone on the table, and talking some gibberish stuff, like ‘how did you come here?’, ‘where do you live in (my country)?’, ‘how was your stay here?’ and so on. Nothing special, but I felt like I should ask him something and ask him if he’s gay or not. My heart was beating so strong and I still was drunk and scared like hell. And then I simply beat my fear and said it, and it was huge step for me, it was so nice, so weird (in positive way) and so amazing in the same time... But I asked him something like: ‘Okay, never mind that (we were in middle of talk), are you maybe... in a funky mood?’ (It’s a literal translation to English. When you say to person “are you in a mood” or “are you funky” it means “gay” in gay slang in my country, don’t ask me how that happened, it’s simply like that and usually gay people know that…). And then he had a HUGE grin all over his face and said: ‘Noooo, I don’t know what you mean with that, what are you talking about?’ and I was: ‘Are you sure?’ because I saw he is uncomfortable. He grinned again and said: ‘I’m sure.’
We talked, I told him about my parents and stuff, he told me a bit about his family and it was simply perfect and so romantic. Then we kissed again and started cuddling and we were enjoying that moment for a while, like maybe half an hour or something and then some Brits came. (Btw, this place where we went for a holiday has a lot of British visitors and they are huge mess, to be honest, but I kinda enjoy their way of fun, but only for a short while, three or four days of British ‘fun’ is enough for me... We heard about two girls being ‘shagged’ by some guy in the main street while people were taking photos and filming videos, then some guy put ketchup and mustard on the head of a guy from our hotel... Then they sprayed pepper spray to some other guy from our hotel, you could see a lot of people drunk and literally ‘dead’ in the street with puke all around you. I also like to drink and to enjoy and relax, but British fun is not 'my cup of tea' ;), only for a short time)...
Okay, let’s get back to the story. So, some British people came and they saw us in a pose when our hands and legs being so twisted all around :) and a girl just said: ‘OMG, fuck! Sorry, sorry, please continue, we are just skinny dipping’. But they ruined the mood, so we put our shoes on and pass by them, while they were jumping into water. They didn’t say anything nor even notice us leaving, even though they clearly saw it was two guys kissing and making out... It felt so good, to be honest.
We walked again and you could see that the sky was getting brighter; it was going to be a sunrise soon. We found some beach beds under a sun-umbrella and we lay there next to each other and we were playing with our hands, I was touching his and he was touching mine. It was so sweet. And then we started making plans for tomorrow. We decided to rent a scooter or an ATV (all-terrain vehicle) and go somewhere around the island.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
I hope that I will have Internet there and that I will be able to blog about my trip over there. I'm going there with David and two other friends from childhood and neighborhood, who I didn't mention earlier, and let's make them the names right now. The first one will be called Isaac and the second one will be Ivan... (Wow, please, don't ask me where I find the names for the characters for my blog :P, I just tend to leave the first letter the same as a real name, that's why they are sometimes weird and 'ancient')...
I think the trip will be great, it will be relaxing, ti will be lot of parties and getting away from this city... I don't expect much and I don't expect it to be a life changing experience, I'm just in a need of holiday.
See ya soon with new updates from Corfu... ;) Thanks for reading!
We walked a bit around the city, talked because we didn’t see each other in more than a month and I was really surprised he came, but I like his recklessness. Even though we are totally different persons, we are great friends. He’s bit weird, but in the same time – he’s simply himself, that’s what I like about him. Let’s call him Sancho, as a friend of Don Quixote.
Sancho and I bought some rum and beer and we started drinking. I had a great time with all the other hostel people, but I got really drunk so I kinda blacked out later, then we moved to another club. Sancho went home and I somehow ended with Turks. I was throwing up and Osman was there. I was totally fucked up. Then I don’t remember much, I just know that Osman took me, well literally grabbed me, and we walked to the hostel. Then, all the pain came out, everything about Mike and everything what was deep down in my heart came out and I started crying like… well, I don’t know how to compare, I was crying my ass off. I hate when this happens and in recent time it was very often while I got drunk. I was so embarrassed, but the pain was huge and my broken heart was so hurt so I continued. Then I took some letters and some stuff I wrote after break-up and I ‘throw-up’ all my feelings out again.
I don’t know when I went to bed, and I was so drunk and hangover and I needed to show up on the work tomorrow early in the morning.
Because I was moving to another room that night, when I was packing my stuff I realized that my wallet is also gone… It was nowhere to be found.
To be honest, I didn’t know what to think, I was still hangover (holding my bottle of water all day long), and packing and I wasn’t that ‘down’ because of my wallet. Why? Because I’m very calm person and after a while, I faced up the facts that it’s gone and I can’t gave it back. It was my entire fault, because I was drinking and making a fool of me.
I wasn’t sure what happened. Did I have it when we were clubbing or did I leave it in the hostel? I got drunk at the hostel and I didn’t plan to drink anymore. Also, at most clubs the entrance is free so I wasn’t sure did I bring it at all.
Also, this with wallet maybe was a sign from some higher force, a God or something, to make me wanna go back home, who knows, but I still think that maybe someone from the hostel stole it, because I wasn’t paying attention (drunken fool).
After the drama, I got over it; the guys with the lost key later found their key in lost-and-found area of the club, Polish guy also lost his wallet.
I made a goodbye lunch for Turkish people, and the lunch to say ‘thank you’ for the last night, because they were heading to Rome after Budapest. We said goodbye and we promised to keep in touch (and we are still in touch), and I was really glad I met them all.
(Also, in this post I would like to congratulate to Osman, he got married to his boyfriend in the end of May and I'm truly happy for them. All the best Osman to you and to your husband). Wow this 'husband' part sounds in the same time so nice, so weird and so unusual but I love it :D I already wished him all the best, but I wanted to mention his marriage here, too.
Later, in the evening we didn’t go anywhere and we stayed in the hostel. I think we watched a movie and another group of Spanish people came, including some crazily hot and handsome guy. I literally was drooling…
Sancho got stoned, an Israeli receptionist gave him some weed and he was totally wasted, he threw up like 5 or 6 times during night.
I was enjoying my talk with some Brazilian girl and she was hitting on me the whole night, made me drink her vodka and so on. Everything started when she was close to me while watching some afternoon movie.
Later, we decided to go out, but it was only 4 of us. It was two Polish people, Brazilian girl and me.
Then we watched another movie and the Brazilian girl was all around me, with her legs and her arms around me. We were kinda sitting and hugging. We both were drunk, I wasn’t that much but I still felt alcohol in my blood system. Sancho was asleep in the common room, and he was still stoned and wasted and very very pale, but he drank some water and ate something, so I knew he was okay. He was sleeping like a baby.
When the movie ended, the other people went outside and Brazilian girl and me remained alone (well, Sancho was there next to us, but he was asleep).
I’ll make it short now… We made out, a lot… Yes, with a girl. And yes, it was only for a fun, it wasn’t serious and yes, I’m still gay, definitely gay… At one moment I was laughing because I didn’t felt anything at all. It was funny and my ‘tool’ wasn’t that hard. Then at one point I thought what she would think if she knew that I’m gay, and then I laughed. She was like: ‘What’s so funny? What’s so funny?’ and we both laughed after.
Her friend came then, Sancho woke up and we went to the bed. I’m so mean, but what can I do. She was one of those girls who have fun and ‘enjoy’ life. I’m not like that, and I didn’t bring it to another level, even though I never had a sex with a girl.
Tomorrow everything was okay, but we didn’t do anything and she left in the evening because her friend was sick and she needed to go home (it was near) as soon as possible.
Day wasn’t that special, Sancho and me said goodbye to polish people, hanged out with them, went to a tea house where Sancho bought a lot of tea.
But the night and the next day was a disaster for me. I made a huge mistake (again). I was smoking weed with that Israeli girl.
My weed experience is not that big. First time I tried it, it was with and because of Mike, because like I said he had problem with drugs and I took it as an excuse to understand Mike. Later, I tried it few more times with my friends from neighbourhood (including David and Ben). Btw, Ben is starting to have problem with that and he’s doing it very very often, almost every day and I’m so worried about him. Last time I tried it on New Year’s Eve, and I took only one smoke of some strong shit and I flew, literally. It’s called skunk if you heard about it. That day I got really stoned, I usually feel good when I’m high but I took it very carefully, I know a lot of details about that shit from Mike and I’ve read that book I already mentioned, the one I give to Mike ‘Higher and Higher’…
This is Budapest was my worst time, I don’t know what I took and I didn’t take much. I was only trying to have fun. But then I experienced huge paranoia (probably because I was in foreign country and only Sancho was a friend and a close person) and the night was so stressful for me. From the first moment I took it, I knew it will end badly. Luckily, I didn’t take much.
He stayed for a short while, but I owe him my life (literally) because I was so fucking paranoid. I knew it wasn’t real, but still your brain believes it and you can’t help it.
In the heat of the moment, I decided not to sleep the whole night and I begged Sancho to take an early train tomorrow to home. I put laptop bag around my back and I laid there on the sofa. It was so stressful for me. I felt like I was completely alone in the whole world. In the end, I started falling asleep while that Israeli girl was watching ‘Sex and the City 2’ So, for one moment I was awake, and in the next I was trying not to fall asleep.
In the end, when the reaction to the drug worn off a little, I went to my bedroom, climbed my bed, put my laptop next to me and fall asleep.
Budapest - Day 11 - Sunday, February 13th
Until then, my blog will probably become bit boring :P… Seeing Mike happy and healthy kinda makes me happy, so I think I can handle it. As long as he’s okay and he’s around me, I’ll be okay, too. I don’t need to be together with him, it’s so strange but I simply feel like this. I have fallen a lot for him and this is the first time I let myself to someone in that way and I fear that I won’t be able to give myself to anyone else in that way (and in that intensive feeling). I have changed, I can see that and I’m also afraid of myself. I went through many things the last year (exactly a year) and everything had huge influence on me. I’ve changed and I still don’t know is this change good or bad. I need to determine that as soon as possible. I’ve grown up I can see that, too and I simply feel strange toward some things. For example, I don’t feel the same when I see a sunset, I don’t feel the same when I’m on my favourite part of the city. Everything is strange, different and a lot of reminds me still on Mike.
Seems so difficult, but we’ll see how the situation progresses in the future.
All in all, everything is relatively okay now. Until next post, thank you so much for reading, I love you all, and big thanks for reading and following ;)
I would just like to add that all the previous entries for Budapest I have written few months ago and that I today feel completely different toward Mike, the feelings are starting to be friendly and everything is okay, I managed to collect all the pieces and to 'make my heart whole again' and I started searching for new 'love'... I know myself, I can't live without a love or without someone next to me, to hold my hand, to be there for me and so on... Okay, this is all for Budapest, I hope you enjoyed, even though it's huge post and the whole 'log'...
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
I'm just writing this post to update you a bit and say that everything is okay and everything is more than okay... :D
I'm just stressed with my exams, which starts in June and with some obligations for the University, cause I lost track with my studies, but I think that I will manage to pass everything this year.
See you soon with more updates. Thanks for following and welcome to the new followers. I miss you all.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
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