Thursday, December 8, 2011

My mom is in a hospital...

12/08/2011 06:05:00 PM
My mom is in a hospital, she has a cancer, or at least a canceroid tissue in her mouth and now the doctors are examining her to see is the cancer harmful or can they remove it.

This made me realise that it's very easy to lose someone you love and that we are really fragile. I never thought about this and what I would do when my parents die. We usually don't think about that usual thing, which happens to all of us, but when something like this happens, you simply don't know what to think. I always acted like they will be here forever, but we all know that's impossible :-(

Even though I don't have great relationship with my parents due to my coming out last year, I'm very very attached to my mom and I don't know how would I handle if something happenes to her.

Also, I didn't talk much with them the past year, but as soon as I found out about this, I started to change my mood toward them, especially mom :-(

She is okay with me being gay and I even told her a small part of my relationship with U. But simply I felt very bad toward them when they didn't accept me as a homosexual man, and only after a long time mom showed some progress toward accepting me. And because of this, I kinda started to be away from them. I felt and I still feel hurt and unwanted and I don't have a desire to share any information with them, which is so sad. We look like strangers, we became strangers, we are strangers :-(

I can't write anymore, I don't know what to write and I don't know what to think and what to do. We need to wait to see the results of the examination. I hope that everything will be okay.

Thanks for reading,


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Coming out to my friends and first visit(s) to gay club

11/29/2011 05:28:00 AM
I think it's about time I finish this post which I talked a lot in my breakdown post. 

Long title, and I think it will be long post...

On October 1st we were going out regularly in some random club on the river, me and my friends from neighbourhood (David, Lucy, Ben, Isaac, Johnny), and also there were a lot of other friend from my University. Cathrin, now David's girlfriend (and my good friend from University, my department) and Joanna, Cathrin's best friend, our great friend (also from my department), too... And during this summer and past year I came out to all of them... And I need to mention one more person - George... I don't know why I never mention all of them, I was busy by catching up to my stories from Budapest and to the story about Mike and Chris and I neglected my close friends, even though Chris became one of my dearest and closest friends, and that's another story... Which I will tell in the future, hopefully.

So, George is a guy I met through a website, the dating site and I met him after breakup with Mike, and I tried to find out someone new, so I rushed into new relationships so fast... I thought that the pain will go away and I had two 'relationships' which aren't that important for me, nothing serious happened beside kiss, I just realised that I have Mike in my head and I broke up with both guys very soon, after two or three days. The third wanna-be-relationship was George, but as soon as I met him in person I realised I'm starting to be with a guy, then a guy and a guy and I stopped, we were just walking around and when I left, I clearly told him that I'm still not over my ex and that I don't want anything from him. That happened somewhere around November of 2010. And nothing happened between us...

But, accidentally, me and George stayed in touch over Windows Live Messenger and Facebook and we chatted a lot and started to become close. Later, we realised that George and David are going at the same University and at the same department. I'll make it short now. After two months of online friendship I invited him to some party with all my friends, including David, who knew about me and he met George. And they became quite nice friends. And later George became a part of my closest circle of friends, friends from neighbourhood and later we started coming out to all of them, slowly. Now we are all one big group of friends.

First, I told David and Lucy, you know that story, then I came out to Ben, it was on Lucy's birthday, then I told Johnny like three or four months ago and finally it came to Isaac, I told him like one week after Johnny and all of them was okay in the beginning, but Isaac and Johnny still need to relax a bit and I told you already that Isaac is really hard person and that you need to be slow with him. He was mad that he was last to know and he was mad at all of us because we kept such a huge secret from him. I explained to him that THIS is a BIG deal in our country and that it wasn't EASY to me to accept myself either, and later to COME OUT to others. It's even SAD because I need to do that, but the circumstances are like that, so I MUST wait for the perfect moment. And that it was MINE to choose when to tell him, so he don't have the right to get mad on other people. And I know he is immature and very narrow minded person, but you can't explain easy to a very stubborn person that he's like that, because he'll get mad. And even though he KNOWS he's wrong and even though he KNOWS we are right in some views (I'm generally speaking) he won't admit that, and he will stick to his opinion until it happens that he accidentally, all by himself, realise something which was obvious long time ago. What I wrote here are very strong words, but they are true.

Okay, now, let's get back to the gay club going out.

First time it happened between 1st and 2nd October (and the Pride Day was planned for the 2nd of October) when we were regularly going out at some random club and around 2 AM George, Lucy and me went to the gay club. The most popular one was closed (because the Gay Pride was planned for tomorrow so they needed to be careful), but the second one (with some bad rumors about it) was open. We entered and it was weird, different and strange with a lot of dirty dancing and stuff going around. To be honest I didn't like it one bit, and we stayed inside for about 2 hours max. And one guy hit on me, he was 29 years old and we even went at one date after the club, he was okay guy, but was too older and bit strange. I wanted to give him a chance to see how we will get along, but after that date, I haven't heard nothing from him. It is bit weird, I don't know, but to be honest, I didn't like him that much to consider a relationship or anything else with him...

Also, after that night, we decided to go out to another gay club in the city, that first one which was closed, which was my idea, because I heard a nice stories about that place and U. told me lot of nice compliments about that place. We (George and I) went there on 7th of October and I drank a lot, because I got scared. David, Lucy, Lucy's girl friend (she's bisexual), David's girlfriend (Cathrin, my colleague from University), Joanna, and their friend were our company.

When I entered the club I was amazed by the interior of the club, and before that by the location of the club, and it seemed wonderful. It was nice party, to be honest, but I was scared with everyone knowing I'm gay so I danced a lot with two girls and I almost got hooked-up with them. Also, everyone was staring at you and I didn't like that. Later, I realized everyone knows everyone and we were 'new' and it was awkward because everyone was staring at us, because we were 'new fags' in town. Or at least I thought about the situation like that. I told you I was scared and I didn't like everybody knowing about me, but later I got used to that feeling and it started to be a nice feeling, because no matter how good, bad or devious people are, at least I'm in my "sort". People (no matter gay, st8 or something else) will always talk behind your back and you can't do anything about that. This is bit more dangerous because being gay is not okay here, so if the word spreads, you can be in a danger, but if you don't take a risk, you won't gain anything, so I didn't care about that feeling that much after some time. I'm proud of myself and I will stand for myself if something happens.

After that okayish first experience, we went one more time there, it was all of a sudden, and it was better than the first and second time, but the third time was amazing! It was huge party with about 300-400 participants, and I wrote a post before going there. That night I met U. (I knew that he will come, because he loves Lady Gaga) and I talked with him for some short time, I was also bit drunk, but not like the first time, and we were okay, I introduced him to George and Joanna and he met me with a friend of his and showed me others, who I knew from the story while we were together. I was really glad that I saw him and to see he is okay. Then I continued to go around the club and I met the most unexpected person there - it was V.

Remember him? A guy who is "kinda" my first boyfriend, small relationship of two weeks I had when I started coming out to the world. It was nice meeting him, we talked, and I also was glad because I saw him. After that I met my neighbour, a kid (okay, for me he's a kid), and a girl who also lives in my neighbourhood, and she works there as a waiter, but I already met her the first night, so it wasn't a surprise. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that I met a second year colleague of my department the first night I went to the club, he always was obviously gay (style, behavior etc.) and we never spoke before that night, and after finding out about each other (officially) we became good friends, and we even have some classes together, so slowly, more and more people at my department knows about me, but I don't care. I told Cathrin, Joanna and one another girl (that was an accident), then this colleague find out when he saw me in the club, now his friend, who is also nice, knows... And so on, I won't bore you with this, I just wanted to mention him, because he's now a part of my life, a new gay friend :)

As the night progressed, I ended up with V. on the dance floor, and we kissed after some dancing (again), (btw that was my first time that I danced with a guy in some club or whatever), and now I was the initiator. I don't know was it alcohol, or the wish to forget U. while he was there, or desire to just kiss with someone, or not to be alone, but it was nice and okay experience. Later he asked me if I want to go to his place, and cleverly I accepted.

Nothing serious happened, to be honest I went with him because he proposed like (I quote) "We don't need to do anything if you don't want to, but it's nice to have someone close to you, so you don't sleep alone" and I wanted to see his intentions, to see how much I really knew him and how much did he change and how much will I resist the temptation. I realised that I won't do anything with him shortly after going from club, it was just kissing and a bj, and V. literally begged me to have sex, and I refused, because it didn't fell right, and he was very persistent, and I didn't like that, too. He was so turned on, and desperate so he after telling me to be a bottom (playing the role of a macho-man), said that he'll be a bottom, because he desperately was looking for sex. And later he'll do me, so it will be "equal".

It was weird, I wasn't really "okay" with the proposal and I clearly said "no", which clearly pissed him off (because all that smooth talk was to make me go to bed and I knew that) and I saw his intentions right away but I wanted to see how far will he go, and I stayed to my principals (even though I was way too drunk after) and clearly said "No!". He just jerked off, cleaned himself up, turned away to other side and try to fall asleep... Later he turned back, hugged me and we fall asleep together. In some awkward way, it was cute and sweet :)

When we woke up, around 8 AM, I just went outside, we kissed each other on the door lightly and even though he said that he would like to stay in contact with me after that night (we lost touch a long time ago, he changed the number, I deleted him from FB and so on), he didn't even send a message or anything, and I didn't hear from him since. And to be honest, I don't want to.

And I was glad because I was a tough bitch and I stayed to my principals and didn't let him use me, because I would have felt used after that night if something had happened. I returned home with grin on my face... And I realized V. is not a guy for me and I'm glad nothing beside that from above happened between us. It was something like karma, because of our past and him leaving a wound on my heart (okay, this sounded sooo pathethic :P) I didn't like him one bit, he showed me his real face, but I was glad to see he's okay.

Thanks for reading...
B. ;)


Friday, November 18, 2011


11/18/2011 03:22:00 AM
I feel down, I don't know why, I just feel down. I didn't finish my post about going to the gay club because I'm very lazy and irresponsible person and I always say that I will leave it for another day and then another day and another day and I never finished it even though it's almost finished, I just wanted to put some pictures and I'm perfectionist, and I tend my posts to be perfect, which I shouldn't do, well at least not that much...

I almost went to U.'s city tomorrow, I had plan to go on with his proposal to be "friends with benefits" and I disgust myself, how should I think about that. 

I was convincing myself that I didn't have feelings for him and that it was only 2 months of crush, and that it wasn't nothing special, but I shoulda know myself better than that, I get really attached to people, and I start liking people a lot, which is a huge problem, and it lasted like month and something of "cool-stone-like" period toward U. to figure out that I cared about him more than I knew.

And now I sound pathetic, but I'm trying to put my feelings onto this paper and I'm having a minor breakdown as you can see, and sorry about grammar and spellings, I don't have nerve to check them once again, I just want to write and write and write and to feel better.

I won't go to U.'s city, because he threaded me like an idiot and a small-boy, which I usually am. I'm not like that, to have meaningless sex. I started to disgust gay world and I started to disgust and feel very disappointed in everything...

Even though I'm surrounded by a lot of people I love and adore, I still feel lonely, and that feeling is lasting and lasting, over a huge period of time. I hope for something which will never come, because everyone is too busy with their lives and with everything, and ... omg, I don't know what I'm writing... I'm just going to fall asleep and go tomorrow to my crappy university, which I won't finish because the education is so fucked up in this shit-hole of a country.

Good night and thanks for reading and sorry because I'm sounding so retarded...


Saturday, October 29, 2011

Third time in gay club

10/29/2011 07:49:00 PM
Just a small update, I'm going to a gay club in couple of hours. The full post about first two times will come soon. Tonight is a Lady GaGa night and it will be a lot of people. Cant wait. Love ya all.


Thursday, October 20, 2011

Where the Hell is Matt in my city

10/20/2011 12:04:00 AM
He's arriving soon :)))), I can't fucking wait... About 1000 people already said "attending" on FB... I will try to be in front row, I love this man... He's a legend :)


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Back to University

10/16/2011 08:18:00 PM
Past week was my return to University, classes have started and I feel okay, and I succeed to apply for third year without major problems, even though I'm a lot behind my classmates. And I enjoyed a lot during classes, because I didn't think about anything else. And also, I'm happy because New Year's Eve is coming soon, and me and my friends are planning to go to Amsterdam, maybe. We are still searching for accommodation and for transport. And that is also keeping me busy. Can't wait... :)

I won't speak a lot about U. and about after holiday time, because as I said before I was disappointed, because I didn't expect that U. will be the way he turn out to be. He was not ready for longish-distance relationship, and we were separated only by 2 hours drive with the train, one hour by bus. And later he even proposed me to be 'friends with benefits'.

I just want to share one more stuff with the people from this blog. It's a good part of our relationship and really nice memory. A picture U. sent me while he was on Corfu and I was back. It was so romantic picture which really meant a lot to me, but later it became really disturbing to watch, and I planned to share with you in some better mood than this one, but the reality is different. Enjoy! :D

Mine and U's hand during second morning we spent together. My hand is with the watch, btw ;)

Also, I forgot to mention that I visited gay club for the first time. But I will write about this in a next post, this is enough for now. I need to learn how to make my posts shorter and more interesting ;) hope you understand...

Thanks for reading.


Monday, October 3, 2011

Pride Day and break up with U.

10/03/2011 09:30:00 PM
Pride day was cancelled yesterday because of security threats from hooligans and government sent a document which forbade the gathering to the organizers. But we all here know that it wasn't exactly because of hooligans, even though I think that it would be riots all around city, but I think that the government is glad because it was cancelled. I feel very sad and I don't like the comments of the minister of the police and people. But, I kinda suspected that it will be like this.

And I know, I didn't end my summer post, well, I only left part with 'after' summer but this happened so fast and I need to update immediately. Me and U. were in some kinda of long distance relationship for a month and one month of texting after holiday and he broke up few days ago and I feel very sad, because it was really beautiful relationship (at least for me), but he was not ready and I kinda am disappointed in him, because I realised he wasn't the guy I thought he is, and he didn't want to "fight" for us (our relationship), so why would I do that, when he doesn't want it. But, I will write more when my emotions calm down a bit, I don't like to talk about some recent stuff all of a sudden. I'm stressed. But all I know is that I feel hurt, a lot, but it's kinda okay and I'm getting over him faster, because it's easier than the first and second breakup, which is kinda normal...

Thanks for reading, this was a short post, just to keep a record... ;)



Sunday, September 25, 2011

Pride day in my homophobic country

9/25/2011 03:30:00 AM
It's less than one week until the fourth Pride in my country. First one was a disaster with blood all around (it was held 10 years ago), I don't have information did anyone die and the pride site is down right now so I can't check the info, but I know there was a lot of blood and that a lot of people was seriously hurt. Second one (2 years ago) was canceled because of security measures and some serious threats. Third (last year) was successful, but it was really poor and very very risky and it was followed by riots and gathered like 6000 anti-gay activists (and there was like only 1000 gay people on the Pride, half of them was politicians who was there only for political purpose). Also, the whole city was blocked, violated and now, in less than one week from now, the fourth Pride is going to be held...

I'm following all the news and events which are related to the 'Pride' and I feel very sad with every comment I read or hear because I see how "my" (and I'm really ashamed right now to say that they are "mine") own people are so ignorant and so narrow minded (in my language, we use term "left behind"). Even positive and the "pros" comments aren't satisfying enough that it will really get better. It is so sad because majority of people hate something they don't even wanna find out and on their faces you can see that they don't even have a wish to just try to understand it. But that doesn't prevent them to comment it freely and openly (meaning negative) and to hate it. In one way I even understand them (fear of unknown and simply fear), but in another, I can't take it anymore and I can't understand how people can be THAT ignorant. My parents included (well, more dad than mom, I even think mom is okay right now with all that), even though they know about me more than a year. It's hating without a reason, which is the most stupidest thing ever and which is something DUMB and idiotic. They judge something they don't know NOTHING (literally) about. It's so sad. I just watched some TV talk show where they discussed Pride, and it was so sad and I felt really bad and I wished I never was born here, I feel so ashamed of my country, of my people, of everything said and done against Pride and I kinda lost hope (even though the hope dies last) that even a slightly lil bit will change. But... because I'm a helpless and unbeatable optimist... I still have a little hope left, only little...

Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know and you'll see the way to fly.


RIP Jamey Rodemeyer

9/25/2011 03:14:00 AM
I can't help it, I must mention Jamey Rodemeyer on my blog... I suppose you all heard that he was a 14 year old gay boy who killed himself and that he was being bullied because of his sexuality. It is a really sad and not so rare story, but this one got attention because he was blogging about his suffers and he was searching for support and for comfort and you can't blame him for that, you only must respect him. I just started crying......

Jamey, Rest in Peace...

I don't like when something like this has to happen so someone take action and notice something which is in front of them all the time. It's just so sad, and we people are so weak and so selfish. I'm deeply hurt by all this and I really hope that something will be done, because Jamey and all other people (not just gay, I mean all people) out there being bullied deserve that... I'm just thinking about (now, I'm being selfish) where would I be if I didn't 'close' myself and camouflaged myself into my homophobic society and environment and stayed 'unnoticeable'. The camouflage and 'closing' was only my way of dealing with thing, until I felt that I'm ready to confront the world, which I already started, but I'm going slowly and carefully because I'm not sure am I completely ready yet... We humans are really fragile and precious things and a small word and a simple act can really damage us hard... See what happened to Jamey... But also, the small word and the small act can also make us so happy and so full of love. We must protect each other and take care of each other, that's the key to the perfection. That's the key to the Love, not Hate.


Thursday, September 22, 2011

Ricky Martin - 'Me', influence on me and a REVIEW

9/22/2011 09:00:00 PM
I finished book few weeks ago and I decided to put a little review of my own here on my own blog.

I followed Ricky's career not that much, only with tabloids and stuff, but secretly, because all my 'gay interest' and 'not-normal' stuff I did secretly. I saw rumors of him being gay and news about him getting children and all that we all knew through magazines and papers. And I was admiring him secretly. And then, accidentally I went to his site and saw that he 'came out' as a homosexual man and I was surprised and happy in the same time. It was somewhere around April or May of 2010 when I found out that he came out as a happy gay man and I was glad.

Later, I found out that he published a book, somewhere around November 2010 and that is a time when my breakup happened and after seeing the cover and seeing it's a biography, all I wanted is to get that book somehow. And I did, I got some money and I bought book in August of 2011, it took me so much time, but I got it. I wanted to learn more about him and also to improve my English.

To be honest, he's not a great writer (expected), he still needs to work more on his style and some parts of the book are repeated constantly, but it's was okay reading it, easy written, simple sentences and I kinda enjoyed it. I also realize that this is his way to promote himself more, because his career started to go down-way, but no matter what I think that he helped me to improve my English and to learn something about him.

I don't know did I mention it earlier, but this blog and all my diaries and stuff I collect about my life and all my writings are some kind of resources for me writing a book one day, a book for my homophobic society and for all the other gay and st8 people out there, and the book who will hopefully open some eyes and free some minds. I got idea few years ago and I even started it, I got a first paragraph (it's a beginning) but I need to think through this idea more, because it's not a easy task. I was also planning to start writing a gay fairytales and that will be my contribution to a gay world. It's not a big deal, but I would feel very happy if I furfill this dream of mine.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Corfu, Greece, Summer 2011 - part 4

9/21/2011 05:00:00 PM
Because I write really really long, sorry because of that, I really don't want to miss any detail, I will make this post really quick. It's just a night part of the previous post and the end of the whole holiday-summer story. Thanks for reading and following me ;)

We met up on the main road while I started going to the club where we met, and I saw him with his friend, the girl who fell from the table. Because I was drunk (and very hyperactive), I took them both to the club where our organization made party (it was an organization who brought us on the island and made the themed holiday with party everyday). The girl decided to stay a lil bit there, because it was full with the people from our country and me and U. went to my hotel after a while. I left my doors open and we entered the room.

Because it was four of us in a room, it was apartment with two two-bed rooms with the separate doors, we went inside through balcony and I checked on Ivan, who was in a room with David, and he was really drunk and asleep so nothing could go wrong (Ivan usually passes out around 1, 2 AM and sleeps until the next day :P). I closed the doors of his room and my doors and I started kissing U. and we were making out really really hard and it was amazing. I forgot how it feels... It felt so good to have someone to kiss, to hug, to cuddle, to feel his body next to you and below or over you, and to feel someone who is a man. We even took off our shirts (actually, I literally ripped his shirt because he had some extra fancy buttons who was unzipping easily and I 'open' it, it was very sexy moment) and I saw his perfectly shaped body (but it's not too much muscled, it's just perfect defined, perfect for me, just like I like it). After I don't know how many minutes, hours or whatever (I didn't care for anything), it was too hot for both of us in the room, we decided to go out and to walk a bit on the beach. And we were walking, I was still drunk and U. was totally sober. We sat somewhere near the sunbeds from the first time and we talked about what is going to happen later with us when we return to the country.

I gave him one of my bracelets to remind him of me and we promised each other to stay in touch and to see each other the first possible time when we get back. Btw, he lives in a city which is two hour drive by train and one hour by bus from my city. Also, we left in the air the unspoken 'what happens on the holiday, stays on the holiday' because U. had 5 more days to be there, but to be honest, I didn't like that and I didn't like the part when he told me that if something happens, it happened, but he also told me that it won't be that easy because he has me in the head now. But Greece is not that gay friendly, either, so I doubted that he will do anything and I think that he didn't. I tend not to think about it, I'm only enjoying present and his company. If he wish, he'll tell me one day, when he's ready. (and now I revealed a bit about our 'future', but you'll hear more in the 'after holiday' post).

After hanging out on the beach and on that wall, we waited for the sunrise and we went home, it was early in the morning, around 7 or 8 AM and now I walked him toward his hotel and in the middle of the road we saw his friend, the girl who fell of the table, talking with some British guy. They were totally in the middle of a conversation about politics, philosophy, science etc. And she was clearly wasted, but we stopped to say 'hi' and I even talked to her a bit, now when I was sober. And when we passed by her and, I think his name was Gabriel, she shouted to U. and me something like: "I like that you found him and I like him, he's so cool and nice and I also like that he's not feminized at all." It was a nice compliment, to be honest, and really weird, because she was shouting from the other part of the street. She's a bit crazy type of girl, and I like when people are like that, outgoing and ready to have some fun.

On the crossroads, U. told me sarcastically something like: 'Okay, now I used you, you can go.' and started to walk away and I was looking at him and smiling because I knew he will turn around, smile and come back to kiss me. And he did. Then he said: 'Okay, have a safe trip and text me when you get back home.' :)

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4 


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Corfu, Greece, Summer 2011 - part 3

9/20/2011 03:55:00 PM
Woke up totally unconscious was it really a dream or not… But I knew it was real and that U. is real. I couldn’t believe what I experienced the last night. I was having huge smile on my face and I woke up very happy.

I couldn’t wait for 3 PM to come. It was our last day on the island and we were buying gifts for our friends who were back home… I was rushing David to hurry up because 3 PM was approaching so I can discreetly go. And I got bit mad on David because the first question after I woke up and he came to my room was: “So, did you have sex?” and I hate when people are like that, they only think about sex. Okay, I get it, he thinks about sex now because he didn’t have it for a long time, and the main reason he and Isaac came here on holiday is to fool around and to have sex and to hook up with a lot of girls. But I came here to relax and enjoy and I hate when he keeps asking me this, and he knows me. And I don’t run away from sex, but oh my God, people, that’s not the point and that’s not the only thing to think about, I had a great time with U. and I enjoyed it a lot and no, we didn’t had sex on our first date. I can’t do it that easily and that ‘meaningless’.

After buying gifts, I told the rest of the people that I’m going to enjoy my time alone, on some scooter or something and Isaac and Ivan are used to it, because I’m very mysterious person sometimes so they didn’t said anything. David knew where I was going.

I walked down the road and I came way too early because I had to phone my mom, it was her birthday. And then, 15 minutes before 3 PM I walked down the main street, in the direction of his hotel and there he was, walking the street with his glasses on and his backpack on his shoulder, with fresh white shirt and black shorts... I smiled and he smiled and I said some joke and he did the same and we shook hands. I was bit nervous and confused but I took him to the renting place and started talking with the guy who rents bikes/scooter/ATV and U. was amazed by me speaking Greek. Because they didn’t have ATV, we went to another place and took one, and he was looking at my handwriting, while I was signing the contract (so sweet) and commenting my Greek again. And then we climbed the ATV and I started driving.

It was like in movies. Me and him on a bike, the wind is blowing and wiping our faces and there’s a road in the distance. It was simply perfect; we were playing and poking each other on the ATV and talking, but only when we could hear each other, because of the noise of the ATV and the wind. I was feeling butterflies all the time and it felt fucking GREAT. I was happy and it was really refreshing and mind-blowing. Then I saw a sign for a beach and I decided to turn, and we went to the beach, driving through the woods and finally reaching the parking and the beach. I parked and we found some spot next to some cliffs and we spread our towels. Then he took off his shirt and I saw his perfectly shaped body, yeah he is skinny but has defined muscles and I was bit scared while I took my shirt off, because I didn’t go in gym for a very long time and I didn’t work out for a long time either, but I swam a lot on my holiday and I kinda ‘returned’ to the shape. And he didn’t say anything and he even remained the same, with flirty voice and stuff, so I relaxed. It was amazing. He put the cream on me, we were joking with our brown tan and then we went to the water.

Santa Barbara Beach on Corfu (THE beach) :)

The cliffs and 'our' spot ;)

The waves were amazing, they were huge, and I was like a small kid when I jumped and started swimming and went bit far away. I was feeling really happy and free, I was literally flying over the waves and I was with a nice guy and we were on a date. It felt so good. I was on a holiday, far away from all problems and finally I relaxed and forgot about everything. I was just enjoying in the moment and it felt perfect. I was swimming toward him and I was poking him in the water while I was diving and then we stepped out of the water and lay down on our towels and we started talking. He told me a bit about his experience and I told him a bit about Mike and stuff, but later we started more interesting topics, like music, movies, holidays etc. We had a great time, after an hour, we decided to go further on. We packed our stuff and took our ATV.

 Goodbye Santa Barbara ;)

Now the romantic part of the movie starts ;)

We were driving toward the second beach and took turn on the road and we reached the beach quickly, parked the ATV and decided to have a meal. We found some beautiful restaurant near the seaside and sat there. The waiter came, we ordered and I used my Greek once more. We were talking, watching the beach, the waves and it was really like in movies, on some first date scene. He was joking, showing me his phone, we were talking, and then the meal came. We ate and we discussed food. After a while, when the bill came, it was the best 20€ spent on the entire holiday and it was my last money. But I didn’t care; I had a great time with him and I enjoyed every single second of it and tomorrow I was going back home.

The view from the restaurant, you can see U.'s hand in the right bottom corner ;)

Then we took our ATV and in the restaurant I asked him would he like to go to another beach or somewhere else (and I was thinking about going in some woods and just enjoying our time together alone) and he said that he would like to go somewhere else ;) And there we went. I drove ATV toward some woods near some town in the middle of island. I had a towel in my bag so we parked ATV near the roads and sat on the ground. Then we were kissing and making out a little, but he felt really uncomfortable because the road was near and we could hear the cars coming and even one family with baby passed us (but they didn’t see us) so we stopped, and just sat there and talked about future, how we see each other in 10 years, about the gay issues in our country and about everything else that came on our mind. And we lost track of time. I accidentally looked at my watch and saw that we have like 45 minutes until the due for renting the ATV. We packed our things, kissed very quickly and headed back to the town we were in.

We got there in time and it was a very quick ride and it was very funny because U. was very scared and always told me like: ‘Slower, slower!’ and it was so sweet and so cute. For one part of road he also was driving.

After we returned ATV we were walking a lil bit through our town and planned the night, because it was going to be my last night there and we planned to meet up.

The plan was to meet up around 3 AM in the same club we met. And then we said goodbye and I returned to the hotel with the huge grin all over my face. When David noticed me he was laughing in his specific way and telling me (‘I know you had a good time’). And I really did have a GREAT time...

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4  


Wednesday, September 14, 2011


9/14/2011 01:24:00 PM


Monday, September 12, 2011

Corfu, Greece, Summer 2011 - part 2

9/12/2011 06:29:00 PM
When I’m drunk, I usually go from a place to a place and I’m very hyperactive, I can’t be in one place for much long, and I usually try to convince David and Isaac to go with me. (As for Ivan, we are not that close, even though I know him for 13 years, but we became quite close after this trip). And sometimes I’m mad at David and Isaac because I look at them as party breakers, and they are sometimes like that, being boring and grumpy. I can’t understand how they don’t have a wish to move a little from one place, but it’s their problem. But one night, I lost Isaac and later I’ve found him in some club where a lot of people from my country were. And I hugged him and we started going together to some other club, hugged. He was telling me about some girl he hooked up with and it was nice to hear that, because he’s in deep problem with a girl he likes, but she ditched him like six times, and he had some kissing issues (he confessed me that few days before this night and we talked a lot and I gave him some piece of advice, and his ‘new’ kiss was okay with this girl he was talking about, so I was very glad to hear the story and happy for him). Btw, Isaac is very inexperienced and immature and stubborn person, that’s the prime reason why I'm scared of telling him about me.

Okay, let’s continue… (Now my ‘movie’ starts, literally). Later, Isaac and I were walking and walking and entered the most populous club there, some people were outside, some people were inside and we climbed some table with a pole and we started going round and round the pole with some other people. Suddenly a girl from the table fell and hit the floor, but she was okay and we helped her to climb back, and I was talking with her in English and later I asked her: “Where are you from?” and she answered in my mother tongue: “(My country name), mate!” :P and it was so funny. She and her friend (a guy) on the pole were also from my country. We laughed, and then we started going around and around the pole again and I felt a touch on my butt, but not obvious touch, just like someone has ‘accidently’ put his hand there. It was so discreet and like an ‘accident’. I ignored that and I was also drunk so I wanted to continue to dance. And then I felt it again and I notice that a guy with a blue shirt, who I earlier noticed climbing the pole, was doing that… He also was a girl’s friend.

The picture taken from that table with the pole ;)

We continued to dance… and then the music stopped, Isaac and the first guy climbed down the table, and the girl who fell also climbed down. Some shit was happening, and that’s why they stopped the music. The guy in blue shirt and me were standing alone on the table, and talking some gibberish stuff, like ‘how did you come here?’, ‘where do you live in (my country)?’, ‘how was your stay here?’ and so on. Nothing special, but I felt like I should ask him something and ask him if he’s gay or not. My heart was beating so strong and I still was drunk and scared like hell. And then I simply beat my fear and said it, and it was huge step for me, it was so nice, so weird (in positive way) and so amazing in the same time... But I asked him something like: ‘Okay, never mind that (we were in middle of talk), are you maybe... in a funky mood?’ (It’s a literal translation to English. When you say to person “are you in a mood” or “are you funky” it means “gay” in gay slang in my country, don’t ask me how that happened, it’s simply like that and usually gay people know that…). And then he had a HUGE grin all over his face and said: ‘Noooo, I don’t know what you mean with that, what are you talking about?’ and I was: ‘Are you sure?’ because I saw he is uncomfortable. He grinned again and said: ‘I’m sure.’

Later, I don’t remember much of our conversation, I simply know that we continued our conversation (it was ordinary) and that was enough proof that he is gay (the grin, too). Usually when people you approach find out that you are gay they run away or they punch you in the head (I’m just kidding for this one, but who knows, I had only one experience when I approached some guy, Lucy's friend in club and he jumped away from me, literally :) )... 

And then he said something like: ‘And what about you, are you in a mood?’ and I simply answered: ‘Yes! But why is that important now, when you are not?’ (with ironic grin on my face)... And then we talked more and he said suddenly: ‘Do you wanna go to the beach?'... And I was like: ‘I can’t. First, you aren’t in the mood (sarcastic grin). And, second, this friend (and I showed at Isaac, who was yelling something with his mute voice, he had lost his voice that night) doesn’t know about me (being gay), and I can’t leave him alone...’ And we were obviously flirting... Then he said: ‘Maybe my friend can help?’ and showed me the girl, who fell of the table, she was next to my friend and watching some guys dancing. Then I jumped down, went to her and told her: ‘Me and your friend would like to go to the beach, but see, my friend doesn’t know about me, so you need to help us’… and she hugged me (music started again and you couldn’t hear nicely) and was like: ‘What? You are gay too?’ and then I knew the blue-shirt guy was gay for sure… :D :D :D I simply answered: ‘Yes!’ and she smiled and let go of me and took Isaac immediately and said: ‘You are going with us!!!’ and they got lost in the crowd.

I took blue-shirt guy and went at the backdoors who were heading to the beach. He was like: ‘That’s not the way’ and I was: ‘Relax, I know where I’m going’ (I knew club, because I was there few nights before and even though I was drunk, I’ve investigate the space)... 

‘Omg, you are taking me to the beach, and you don’t even wanna know my name,’ he was joking and then we introduced each other. And his name on this blog will be U. (to stay faithful to my ‘first name first letter’ tradition).

Instead of going to the beach, we found some chair – bench, and we sat there and we started talking. Finally he admitted that he’s ‘in a mood’ and that he was touching my butt. Later, I found out that he doesn’t hang out on THE site (dating sites) and that he studies law, that he was with only one guy (serious "relationship") and a lot of things about him, and I liked him instantly. We both were drunk and suddenly I kissed him and he was confused in the beginning, because we were in the public place but he relaxed later. And he was such a good kisser, it was amazing. He then said some joke about my tongue and about me being ‘horny’. And it was soooooo nice and soooooo perfect. We were totally relaxed and few people were passing by, and the security was closing the backdoor and no one said anything, nor staring at us.

And we talked and talked on that amazing bench, then we were kissing and kissing and then we decided to go to the beach. And we did, we were walking down the beach, joking, laughing, then we were holding hands for some short while and then U. saw some dock and decided that we go there. We sat there, it was dark, but the Moon was very bright. You could only see the Moon, stars, dark sea, and little lights from the city. It was so romantic and so peaceful. We took off our shoes, because they were so full of sand and we just sat there.

The beach during night

We talked, I told him about my parents and stuff, he told me a bit about his family and it was simply perfect and so romantic. Then we kissed again and started cuddling and we were enjoying that moment for a while, like maybe half an hour or something and then some Brits came. (Btw, this place where we went for a holiday has a lot of British visitors and they are huge mess, to be honest, but I kinda enjoy their way of fun, but only for a short while, three or four days of British ‘fun’ is enough for me... We heard about two girls being ‘shagged’ by some guy in the main street while people were taking photos and filming videos, then some guy put ketchup and mustard on the head of a guy from our hotel... Then they sprayed pepper spray to some other guy from our hotel, you could see a lot of people drunk and literally ‘dead’ in the street with puke all around you. I also like to drink and to enjoy and relax, but British fun is not 'my cup of tea' ;), only for a short time)...

Okay, let’s get back to the story. So, some British people came and they saw us in a pose when our hands and legs being so twisted all around :) and a girl just said: ‘OMG, fuck! Sorry, sorry, please continue, we are just skinny dipping’. But they ruined the mood, so we put our shoes on and pass by them, while they were jumping into water. They didn’t say anything nor even notice us leaving, even though they clearly saw it was two guys kissing and making out... It felt so good, to be honest.

We walked again and you could see that the sky was getting brighter; it was going to be a sunrise soon. We found some beach beds under a sun-umbrella and we lay there next to each other and we were playing with our hands, I was touching his and he was touching mine. It was so sweet. And then we started making plans for tomorrow. We decided to rent a scooter or an ATV (all-terrain vehicle) and go somewhere around the island.
Lying in sunbed and watching the sunrise with U. (you can see my sneakers in the right corner ;P)

You can see U.'s hair on the left and my feet on the right ;)

We both were getting sleepy and we decided to go to our hotels. U. followed me until we reached some hotel I recognized. Then we revised our plan and set ‘a date’ at 3 PM. Then we kissed one more time in the street, next to a hotel where a lot of people from the same organization that brought me on the island was staying and said ‘see ya tomorrow’...

I returned to the hotel not sure was I dreaming or was it reality. It was unbelievable Ι met someone on such a normal and very interesting way, and also someone very cute, handsome and sweet. I woke up David because it was around 9 AM and he promised some Greek girl (our boss :) ) that he will run with her on the beach, morning exercise, and I took the moment to tell him in short words what happened, but he was so funny and so sleepy that he couldn’t do anything than just nod and saying ‘Yeah... Okay... Aha... Yeah’ and then said ‘Okay, I have to sleep half an hour more, you’ll tell me everything later.’ Then he crawled back to his pillow and I went to my room and lay in my bed, next to Isaac’s, who was sleeping. I couldn’t fall asleep for a few moments, still wondering and repeating in my head what had happened... :)

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4 


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Ricky Martin - Me

8/25/2011 04:41:00 PM
Today I got the book written by Ricky Martin entitled "Me". I opened my first credit card, but it's for Internet use only and when I got my first money, by working some job on TV, I ordered the book. I was so happy and excited when I saw it on my desk when I got home from an exam (and it came like in 5 days even though they told me it will be around September 14th), and there were some problems with my parents, cause the postman was like: "You need to sign here" and he mentioned police, dunno why (maybe some post business), and my dad was like very suspicious and asked me over the phone: "What the book is about?" in a way like he suspects even though I'm sure he doesn't know who is Ricky Martin, but I don't care. They are very old-fashined and they don't know a lot about Internet and ordering through Interned, so maybe that's why he was suspicious. We'll see tonight, when he gets back from work.

I'm going to start to read it right now, even though I have to study, I can manage to make a few hours free. :) :D

And btw, sorry because I wasn't writing about my Greece trip yet, I will finish post soon, as soon as I finish with my exams, I have the last exam on 31st of August... I need concentration and I need to set up the pictures :) So that's why I'm not done yet, even though the post is almost finished...

And for the end, here's a new song by Ricky Martin, which I like a lot...


Friday, August 12, 2011

Corfu, Greece, Summer 2011 - part 1

8/12/2011 02:39:00 AM
Where to start… I don’t know. It was amazing. It was the best summer holiday in my life. I had everything, good company, great parties, and a great ending and it was simply - perfect.

First few days I was bit down. I was going there with three of my friends, David, and two other one from childhood (I already named them Isaac and Ivan). And to be honest, I don’t know why I was down, I simply felt down. Isaac and Ivan have some tight and very stormy relationship even though they are neighbors. Ivan is a pathological liar (and on this holiday I realized why is he lying that much) and Isaac is very impulsive person and he can’t stand a lie. And I won’t bother you with unimportant details.

After two days, the crazy parties started and I have rent a bike, so I decided to go around the island by myself and one day I did and I had great time. If I didn’t mention earlier, I’m a huge bike-freak and I love driving my bike. This bike ride made me feel really better. I was driving like 45 km from the town we were in to the city of Corfu.

I was in Corfu (city) and some nearby beaches and it was amazing. The island and the city of Corfu are really beautiful and it was great experience to drive bike there. Here are some pictures, all pictures are mine, just for the record, so for the first time on this blog, you are able to see a part of me on pictures ;)

Corfu city, I'm almost in it.

Old town of Corfu (city).

Familiar street in Corfu, I forgot the name, the whole city looks like Venice.

Typical Greece... or not :)

Beautiful Greek sea... I love this picture, it came out so nice...

Issos beach, sunset...

The road back home, and my shadow on the road.

After returning bike after 4 days, I decided to start drinking (because it's a summer holiday, after all, and there's a lot of clubs around), even though I wasn’t in a drinking mood in the beginning. And I did drink and then it started to feel bit better. I didn’t drink too much, just to feel relaxed and okay and it was totally okay. I was controlling myself when it comes to drinking and I liked that. I met a lot of new people, and I will for sure stay in touch with a lot of them. I came out to one of the girls and she was totally okay with it, and we become quite close friends. Later she even approached to one of the guys for me, :)

And nights was going and going, and it was really relaxing, I forgot all my problems and I was really having a great time. Here's some pictures from night life. (and no, there's no me in it, just some random people from the clubs... :) )

"Yo, mate!"

Evening was usually ending like this for me ;)

And then 29th of July came and something amazing happened. I met someone who changed the whole ‘impression’ of this summer holiday and who made it worth million times more. Maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but in that particular moment I felt like that. What happened, you'll hear in the next part... Sorry for teasing, but I need to, to make it more interesting and the post started to be very long and I have more pictures to put up... The next post will be ready in two or three days...

Thanks for reading and thanks for following, love ya all...

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4


Sunday, August 7, 2011

RIP Amy Winehouse

8/07/2011 11:45:00 PM
Before I publish post about my summer holiday, I would like to say a few words about Amy Winehouse. 

I was deeply hurt when Mike told me she died. I had a huge respect for her, her music and her incredible voice, and even about her problematic and unique life. She was such a great talent and the person who does what she wants to do, and especially when it comes to music, she fucking loved to sing and I loved her music so much. I'm so sad because she ruined her with drugs and alcohol, but to be honest, her death wasn't big surprise. After the last concert she held, I was hoping that she will maybe get better and it was so sad to see her in that condition. And then while I was on my holiday I've found out she died. :(

Rest In Peace Amy, fly, fly because finally you are free, find your peace...

This is my favourite song:


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Perfect summer

8/03/2011 05:51:00 PM
IT WAS PERFECT SUMMER :) I can't wait to write more about it, it was simply amazing and unbelievable. 11 perfect days...

Now I need to study a bit (yeah, back to reality :( ) but I will blog as soon as possible with more details ;)

Thanks for reading and following...
B. :))))))))) :D


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

New trip/Summer holiday

7/20/2011 11:59:00 PM
While this is being published (I made it a scheduled post) I'm in a bus and I'm heading to Corfu, Greece...

I hope that I will have Internet there and that I will be able to blog about my trip over there. I'm going there with David and two other friends from childhood and neighborhood, who I didn't mention earlier, and let's make them the names right now. The first one will be called Isaac and the second one will be Ivan... (Wow, please, don't ask me where I find the names for the characters for my blog :P, I just tend to leave the first letter the same as a real name, that's why they are sometimes weird and 'ancient')...

I think the trip will be great, it will be relaxing, ti will be lot of parties and getting away from this city... I don't expect much and I don't expect it to be a life changing experience, I'm just in a need of holiday.

See ya soon with new updates from Corfu... ;) Thanks for reading!


Budapest log: The last days in Budapest

7/20/2011 10:05:00 AM
This post will be the ending of the story of my Budapest trip. I just wanted to finish it and then continue with blogging about new stuff going on in my life. I won't post one post per day spend in Budapest anymore, so this one will be a loooong post. Btw, all pictures in this and previous post are REAL and they are from Budapest and usually it fits the location where I was :) I would just like to mention that...

Budapest - Day 7 - Wednesday, February 9th

Today my friend who announced his arrival arrived, a friend from high school, and I clearly told Osman and Denise that he doesn’t know about my sexuality. In the beginning, I was glad he was coming, but later, he kinda disturbed my peace. I needed few more days to relax and to be on my own. But, who knows why this is good. Maybe I wouldn’t go home on time.

We walked a bit around the city, talked because we didn’t see each other in more than a month and I was really surprised he came, but I like his recklessness. Even though we are totally different persons, we are great friends. He’s bit weird, but in the same time – he’s simply himself, that’s what I like about him. Let’s call him Sancho, as a friend of Don Quixote.

In the evening, we decided to go to a club and to see more of Budapest nightlife.

Sancho and I bought some rum and beer and we started drinking. I had a great time with all the other hostel people, but I got really drunk so I kinda blacked out later, then we moved to another club. Sancho went home and I somehow ended with Turks. I was throwing up and Osman was there. I was totally fucked up. Then I don’t remember much, I just know that Osman took me, well literally grabbed me, and we walked to the hostel. Then, all the pain came out, everything about Mike and everything what was deep down in my heart came out and I started crying like… well, I don’t know how to compare, I was crying my ass off. I hate when this happens and in recent time it was very often while I got drunk. I was so embarrassed, but the pain was huge and my broken heart was so hurt so I continued. Then I took some letters and some stuff I wrote after break-up and I ‘throw-up’ all my feelings out again.

I don’t know when I went to bed, and I was so drunk and hangover and I needed to show up on the work tomorrow early in the morning.

Budapest - Day 8 - Thursday, February 10th

When I woke up, it was horrible. My heat hurt so much, and I think I was still drunk after I woke up, I was dizzy and everything was spinning around. It means, rough night. Sancho was there, because it was late morning and I didn’t go to work. I was drinking a lot of water and I was hanging around in a common area with Sancho and the Turks and some other guys from the hostel, who lost their car keys on that party yesterday. Later, some Polish guy spread the word that his wallet was stolen.

Because I was moving to another room that night, when I was packing my stuff I realized that my wallet is also gone… It was nowhere to be found.

To be honest, I didn’t know what to think, I was still hangover (holding my bottle of water all day long), and packing and I wasn’t that ‘down’ because of my wallet. Why? Because I’m very calm person and after a while, I faced up the facts that it’s gone and I can’t gave it back. It was my entire fault, because I was drinking and making a fool of me.

I wasn’t sure what happened. Did I have it when we were clubbing or did I leave it in the hostel? I got drunk at the hostel and I didn’t plan to drink anymore. Also, at most clubs the entrance is free so I wasn’t sure did I bring it at all.

I lost like 100 € and this thing ruined my whole trip because I wanted to stay a bit more. Sancho helped me until the end of the week because he didn’t want to be alone in Budapest. So he paid for the accommodation (3 more nights) and for the ticket back home. He helped me a lot. I owe him so much.

Also, this with wallet maybe was a sign from some higher force, a God or something, to make me wanna go back home, who knows, but I still think that maybe someone from the hostel stole it, because I wasn’t paying attention (drunken fool).

After the drama, I got over it; the guys with the lost key later found their key in lost-and-found area of the club, Polish guy also lost his wallet.

I made a goodbye lunch for Turkish people, and the lunch to say ‘thank you’ for the last night, because they were heading to Rome after Budapest. We said goodbye and we promised to keep in touch (and we are still in touch), and I was really glad I met them all.

(Also, in this post I would like to congratulate to Osman, he got married to his boyfriend in the end of May and I'm truly happy for them. All the best Osman to you and to your husband). Wow this 'husband' part sounds in the same time so nice, so weird and so unusual but I love it :D I already wished him all the best, but I wanted to mention his marriage here, too.

Later, in the evening we didn’t go anywhere and we stayed in the hostel. I think we watched a movie and another group of Spanish people came, including some crazily hot and handsome guy. I literally was drooling…

Budapest - Day 9 - Friday, February 11th

Not very interesting day... Sancho made me stay in Budapest, while I was eager to go back home immediately. We decided not to go out and I drink a beer later in the evening, nothing much.

Sancho got stoned, an Israeli receptionist gave him some weed and he was totally wasted, he threw up like 5 or 6 times during night.

I was enjoying my talk with some Brazilian girl and she was hitting on me the whole night, made me drink her vodka and so on. Everything started when she was close to me while watching some afternoon movie.

Later, we decided to go out, but it was only 4 of us. It was two Polish people, Brazilian girl and me.

It was very cold outside and the first club we entered was empty so we returned back to the hostel.

Then we watched another movie and the Brazilian girl was all around me, with her legs and her arms around me. We were kinda sitting and hugging. We both were drunk, I wasn’t that much but I still felt alcohol in my blood system. Sancho was asleep in the common room, and he was still stoned and wasted and very very pale, but he drank some water and ate something, so I knew he was okay. He was sleeping like a baby.

When the movie ended, the other people went outside and Brazilian girl and me remained alone (well, Sancho was there next to us, but he was asleep).

I’ll make it short now… We made out, a lot… Yes, with a girl. And yes, it was only for a fun, it wasn’t serious and yes, I’m still gay, definitely gay… At one moment I was laughing because I didn’t felt anything at all. It was funny and my ‘tool’ wasn’t that hard. Then at one point I thought what she would think if she knew that I’m gay, and then I laughed. She was like: ‘What’s so funny? What’s so funny?’ and we both laughed after.

Her friend came then, Sancho woke up and we went to the bed. I’m so mean, but what can I do. She was one of those girls who have fun and ‘enjoy’ life. I’m not like that, and I didn’t bring it to another level, even though I never had a sex with a girl.

Tomorrow everything was okay, but we didn’t do anything and she left in the evening because her friend was sick and she needed to go home (it was near) as soon as possible.

Budapest - Day 10 - Saturday, February 12th

Day wasn’t that special, Sancho and me said goodbye to polish people, hanged out with them, went to a tea house where Sancho bought a lot of tea.

But the night and the next day was a disaster for me. I made a huge mistake (again). I was smoking weed with that Israeli girl.

My weed experience is not that big. First time I tried it, it was with and because of Mike, because like I said he had problem with drugs and I took it as an excuse to understand Mike. Later, I tried it few more times with my friends from neighbourhood (including David and Ben). Btw, Ben is starting to have problem with that and he’s doing it very very often, almost every day and I’m so worried about him. Last time I tried it on New Year’s Eve, and I took only one smoke of some strong shit and I flew, literally. It’s called skunk if you heard about it. That day I got really stoned, I usually feel good when I’m high but I took it very carefully, I know a lot of details about that shit from Mike and I’ve read that book I already mentioned, the one I give to Mike ‘Higher and Higher’…

This is Budapest was my worst time, I don’t know what I took and I didn’t take much. I was only trying to have fun. But then I experienced huge paranoia (probably because I was in foreign country and only Sancho was a friend and a close person) and the night was so stressful for me. From the first moment I took it, I knew it will end badly. Luckily, I didn’t take much.

I was feeling very bad so I was trying to not throw up. Then, Sancho was there and later in the evening he took me to bed but as I was trying to fall asleep, I imagined that Tom, strange and weird musician alcoholic, was a thief and that he robbed me and that he will took my laptop, my precious laptop. And I was in bunk bed, on top. I saw him holding a mobile phone, which was weird because I never saw him having a mobile phone. And he had some very suspicious face… I didn’t know did I hallucinated or was it real, but I was stoned and in that fucking moment it felt so real. I just jumped out of my bed, took my bad with laptop and went to the common room. In the meanwhile, I was sick and I threw up all Chinese food I had with Sancho in the afternoon (it was so sad, I love Chinese food :P). Then I made another scene but I saw I was being very paranoid and I acted ‘normal’ somehow and I laid on the sofa in the private area in the common room. I sent text to Sancho (he was in another close hostel). Until he came, I made a whole story about everyone in the hostel and of course everyone was against me and my friend was the only person who I could trust.

He stayed for a short while, but I owe him my life (literally) because I was so fucking paranoid. I knew it wasn’t real, but still your brain believes it and you can’t help it.

In the heat of the moment, I decided not to sleep the whole night and I begged Sancho to take an early train tomorrow to home. I put laptop bag around my back and I laid there on the sofa. It was so stressful for me. I felt like I was completely alone in the whole world. In the end, I started falling asleep while that Israeli girl was watching ‘Sex and the City 2’ So, for one moment I was awake, and in the next I was trying not to fall asleep.

In the end, when the reaction to the drug worn off a little, I went to my bedroom, climbed my bed, put my laptop next to me and fall asleep.

Budapest - Day 11 - Sunday, February 13th

I woke up in 11 AM and made Sancho take the afternoon train. We were at home at 8 PM and everything was behind me. All in all, I had a great time, I made up with the fact that I’m not with Mike anymore and that there’s whole new world out there waiting for me. I made up with the fact that maybe it’s supposed to be like this. And I also made up with the fact that he’s with Chris right now, and I’m getting used to that now, because I want to still be there for him and around him. Some scars hurt me a lot, still… And some things and lies will never be forgiven but I care for him (I know I sound so mad right now, but I do care) and I will always feel something for him, he’s special in my life. But, I know that I won’t try anything new and I won’t step into anything until I feel ready and until I find someone who will knock me over.

Until then, my blog will probably become bit boring :P… Seeing Mike happy and healthy kinda makes me happy, so I think I can handle it. As long as he’s okay and he’s around me, I’ll be okay, too. I don’t need to be together with him, it’s so strange but I simply feel like this. I have fallen a lot for him and this is the first time I let myself to someone in that way and I fear that I won’t be able to give myself to anyone else in that way (and in that intensive feeling). I have changed, I can see that and I’m also afraid of myself. I went through many things the last year (exactly a year) and everything had huge influence on me. I’ve changed and I still don’t know is this change good or bad. I need to determine that as soon as possible. I’ve grown up I can see that, too and I simply feel strange toward some things. For example, I don’t feel the same when I see a sunset, I don’t feel the same when I’m on my favourite part of the city. Everything is strange, different and a lot of reminds me still on Mike.

Seems so difficult, but we’ll see how the situation progresses in the future.

All in all, everything is relatively okay now. Until next post, thank you so much for reading, I love you all, and big thanks for reading and following ;)

I would just like to add that all the previous entries for Budapest I have written few months ago and that I today feel completely different toward Mike, the feelings are starting to be friendly and everything is okay, I managed to collect all the pieces and to 'make my heart whole again' and I started searching for new 'love'... I know myself, I can't live without a love or without someone next to me, to hold my hand, to be there for me and so on... Okay, this is all for Budapest, I hope you enjoyed, even though it's huge post and the whole 'log'...


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Exams are over

7/12/2011 04:48:00 PM
My exam period is over and now I have like two months of break until new exam period (because I failed some exams, I need to catch up to them in the next period, shit, but what can I do, at least I'm not failing the whole school year :P)....

I need to finish with my Budapest story and it's not that special, to be honest, but I would like to finish it because I've already started, and I need to announce my new trip to some other country very soon, and I'm going there for a holiday with my friends, something similar as two years ago, but still a slightly different... I'm going there again with David and two more friends, but the huge difference is that David knows about me, so he'll be my support and cover-up if someone suspects something. And I also plan to go and find some gay club, to see what is going on there.

See ya soon with the new posts, thanks for following and for being there with me all this time. I also need to write about a new disappointment with some guy I met online.



Sunday, May 29, 2011

Another break :)

5/29/2011 12:13:00 AM
I really need to work on my writing habits with this blog :) because I have a lot to update (again).

I'm just writing this post to update you a bit and say that everything is okay and everything is more than okay... :D

I'm just stressed with my exams, which starts in June and with some obligations for the University, cause I lost track with my studies, but I think that I will manage to pass everything this year.

See you soon with more updates. Thanks for following and welcome to the new followers. I miss you all.


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

One year before

3/23/2011 04:10:00 AM
Today is exactly one year of making a first second contact (we had few messages before in February, but it was really short) with Mike through that online dating site. I know I'm living in past and maybe that's not good, but I wanted to share this detail with you. And there will be more details to come, just to keep record of my life, before and after Mike.

I feel so hurt, and so down. I saw Mike one week ago, exactly one week ago, he got back from the country where his mom lives and I missed him... I saw him, and Chris was there too, we hanged out and I saw him. I'm retarded, I'm immature, I'm so fucking naive, I'm so fucking deep in love, I'm so fucking blind, I'm maybe masochistic... but I can't help it.


Budapest - Day 6 - Tuesday, February 8th

3/23/2011 04:05:00 AM
Even though only 5 days passed, I already felt that I was in Budapest for ages. I walked through the whole city in 4 days and moved to a hostel. Now I wanted to enjoy my free time alone and maybe start my book. Also, for the beginning, in this hostel I booked only two nights and then I planned to move to that small accommodation which my temporary boss offered me. I would be alone and had my own time. I changed my mind and you will see why. Like I said, I enjoyed my time with Spanish guy and I really liked that socialization in the hostel and every day new and different people come and go. I like that, variety of people.

I woke up early to go to my work and I came there on time and talked weirdly with a guy who also works there. I washed some dishes and I watched how he cleans a room because later I will also do that. It was kinda boring and the hostel (well, actually it’s more a hotel) had some weird energy and I didn’t felt good there. I earned like 1500 forints and that’s around 5 € which is kinda good for 3 hours of work. And all I did was wash dishes and watched the guy cleaning.

I returned to the hostel. I spend this day talking with people, socializing and also with my friend over Skype and then (or maybe two days ago) he told me that he’s coming too. So he booked a hostel (not the one I was into, some other one, but it was very near mine).

I met some couple from Portugal. We played cards and later all people from the hostel watched some movie and the Spanish people brought a fun game. We played that crazy game with all the people from the hostel until it become very late. Also, I met two guys from Belgium, and one of them was gay for sure. My gaydar worked well, I think. He was so sweet and simply said – gay.

This day one amazing and strange thing happened to me. Two people from Turkey came to the hostel, a guy, Osman and a girl, Denise.

At night we went out together with the rest of the people from the hostel in some pub (it was some party organized by hostels). When we were going to the club, I ended up with Turks and we talked about regular things and it seemed interesting and great until one point of the evening, when it becomes strange and amazing. Denise simply said in the club: “Well, actually, Osman is a gay, but he doesn’t like to tell the people that, especially because you are from homophobic country.” I don’t know did she had an intention to tell me that or it was because of my joke on a guy who was dressed as a girl (it was a mascaraed party) but the point is that she told me even though I kinda suspected. He isn’t typical gay guy nor anything, simply said, I felt it and he was with a girl and they didn’t seem close as a boyfriend and a girlfriend. It looks like my gaydar works great.

After she told me that, I stood there, stunned and shocked – and after all glad. It kinda felt good and I was having a smile on my face. Then I bent toward her (because it was too laud, we were in the club) and told her on her ear: “Well, I’m also gay and actually this trip is my break and my vacation from breaking up with my ex-boyfriend.” And because few moments before the whole scene I commented on some girl (Spanish girl) Denise was like: “What about that girl, are you gay or bisexual?” And I was shocked because she asked and reacted so normally and it really felt good, all that normalness. I told her it was only my disguise (I kinda do that unconsciously because I’m used to it and well, the girl really was cute and beautiful). At first, I didn’t want her to tell Osman (honestly, I dunno why, well, I know, I’m kinda paranoid and under impression of my own country), but later I allowed her and he was smiling and then he showed me the picture of his boyfriend on the cellphone. It was really funny but it was so pleasant because I felt normal and I was free. I met a gay guy so strangely in person, on normal way.

Then, we went out and we talked and wandered around Budapest. I was so confused with the situation and tired so we got lost and we didn’t have an idea where we are. I told them a few segments of my story with Mike and my story about parents.

They told me few details about situation in Turkey and I was shocked with some details (for example: if you are gay, you don’t need to go to army, but you need to provide a proof that you are gay, and you will do that by taking a picture of yourself having sex, and you need to be bottom).

Osman helped me by telling me and advising me toward my relationship with Mike (but, Osman, I still believe that we can remain friends, I want that). By the way, Osman is the first person who picked his name on this blog. Later, when I got back, I told him about this blog and he’s probably reading it right now. With this post I would also like to thank you (him) for everything. Even though you are not aware of that, you and your story and the fact that you are with your boyfriend more than a year and the fact that you are not “look at me, look at me, I’m gay” type of guy really gave me hope and returned my faith to this world (I was very disappointed and probably still I’m a bit). This world is full of lies, dirt and bad people. I’m not judgmental, I’m just disappointed in gay people (especially here) because they see everything in sex (like most of gay people), they are bitter persons and they are full of themselves and you need to admit that a lot of gay people are really like that, and they are so bitchy sometimes. I don’t like that. I understand them, they are like that because they are not accepted and they led a psychological war inside their head. But, get over it. Also, I would like to say that I know that gay people are not usually like that when you meet them and when you get to know them, but I don’t like when people at the starts begin to act so bitchy and so harshly.

I liked Osman and Denise because they were so normal, so friendly; especially Denise, so communicative and I had a great time with them. And I’m also grateful to them about one more thing but you will hear about that in the next ‘Budapest log’ post.


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