Wednesday, January 26, 2011

How I Lost Mike part 2

1/26/2011 10:12:00 PM
Read first part HERE. This post will be fast one, sorry for not going into details, but I really cant, because it is still too emotional.

Okay, after going to the station with Mike, we were waiting for bus, and chatting. I still felt that it will be the last time I see him. Then suddenly, one bus passed in other direction and Chris stepped out from it and started running and yelling at me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??? GO GO GO, RIGHT NOW! Mike hold him and he tried to attack me.

He said to me in very laud voice to go and never to come back and because I saw that situations is quite bad and that he is MENTAL, I went, but I went only for one station and was in Mike's neighbourhood, hidden, trying to see if Mike is alright. By the way, this scene was being watched by a lot of other people who were at the station and were going out from the bus. Chris stayed with Mike, and I even saw that he started yelling at him, because he was still hurt from Mike cheating on him and dunno why, he's simply MENTAL and has a lot of issues, you can see that clearly. I tried to be his friend, honestly, and I was feeling kinda relieved and I even started caring for him, and I started and intended to understand him and he attacked me.

I stayed in neighbourhood for about an hour, it was too late and my dad were calling me and making a scene because I didn't answer at first (and God knows what he thought, probably that I'm with some new guy and stuff)... And then while I was being at neighbourhood, I tried calling Chris, to tell him that I didn't meant anything bad, that I ruined my whole day just because I was worried about HIM (Chris) and what he did to Mike's friend store and because I was worried that he killed himself and that he did something stupid... I'm so stupid, so retarded, so pathetic and so miserable person. I felt like shit, and then while I got through the call, Chris told me some nasty stuff over the phone, which proved all my pathetic, miserable, retarded mood.

I returned home, dunno how, dunno why, dunno how I got there. I felt like the last wretch on this planet. I entered home and because my father was in a mood, I had a HUGE fight with my parents, about everything. Because for them, as long as you are quite, and as long as you don't say anything, it was okay...

That day was a disaster, and I don't know how I handle it...

Sorry for being this fast and maybe confusing and maybe I didn't put a lot of details, but you got the point and I am to emotional to write about it, as you can see. I can't think straight (what a pun)... I'm tired, going to bed...

Thanks for reading and for following, hope you understand... I love you all... Good night! Tomorrow I will try to continue...


Ask Me Anything January 2011

1/26/2011 08:47:00 AM

Did you start writing your blog in your mother language? nd btw, what will it be about?

Yes I did. I have bought .com domain and I even started blogging. For now, I’m blogging about regular stuff, music, movies, books, my thoughts and stuff like that, but I also plan to blog about gay stuff, gay life and gay culture here in my country. And I will try to write without fear, I’m still anonymous and I will remain like that until I decide opposite. It looks like a nice blog and I really like it. I got some first visitors. Also the plan is to make people come to blog on regular basis, I mean, I won’t mention gay stuff until I have a lot of visits, and then I will “shock” them and I will tell the whole truth about gay society, about our society and everything I find interesting. Maybe one day I will link it to this blog, I would really like that. We’ll see. Thanks for asking. Also, interesting fact is that I have found few gay blogs in my mother tongue... They are kinda nice, and I'm reading them.

Don't you feel a bit confused ab being gay and hearing (i guess) usually from ur parents questions like"why don't you have girlfriend?" (Did they ask you if you are gay?)

Lol, this question was asked before I told you that I came out to my parents, and to tell you the truth, while I was in relationship with Mike and before I told them about me, I had told my parents that I’m in relationship with some girl, so I could go out whenever I wanted and stuff like that. Also, I’m not that open to my parents and I was always closed kid, so they are used to the fact and they didn’t ever ask me that, until one day I told them I have a “girlfriend” meaning “boyfriend”. Later they found out everything.

What place would you like to visit in Europe?

I visited a lot places in Europe, but I have never been to United Kingdom, Sweden or Spain and that’s the places I would like to visit one day, and I will for sure. Maybe that will happen soon.

Did you meet any new gay-guys?

I met only one guy one month ago. He was my last hope. I went on a date with him to see am I ready, and I saw I am not. The interesting fact is that this guy, who we will name George, is going to the same faculty with David, my best friend from childhood. We become nice friends with him, went on parties few times and talk a lot online, he’s a good guy, but I’m not attracted to him, even though he’s cute, and kinda he’s bit immature for me, that’s why I don’t want to have anything with him. I told him honestly what I think, as I always do to people and we are friends now, and it really starts to be good friendship. Also, I can’t get Mike out of my head… And I wonder will I ever. Seems impossible, and I know that what I felt for Mike is hard to repeat again.

Thanks for asking... Ask Me Anything


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

How I lost Mike

1/18/2011 03:26:00 AM

This will be strange post, and maybe a bit confusing, but with that you can see how I feel. Totally confused, full of million thoughts, and dunno what to do next. It will be probably a stupid move, but I can’t handle the situation anymore. This is the first time I’m writing this post and the actual situation is happening, if you understand me. Every post I wrote in past year was only retelling the past; this is the post for the future and the things that are happening right now.

Okay, so as I said before, I gained my peace with Mike and Chris, but for a short time. Few days ago, everything was perfect, I talked to Chris and I started to get his trust. Two days I even were at Mike’s house without him getting all jealous and angry. It was going to be nice and perfect friendship or whatever, until the day Mike decides to tell Chris whole truth, and then he told him that he cheated on him with some guy, the boyfriend of his friend. It was only kiss and nothing more. That night I wasn’t sleeping and I was watching some TV Show and couldn’t fall asleep until the morning. Then I got message at about 8 AM, it was from Chris. It said: B, please call me.

I called him and he told me that he broke the window glasses in the store of that Mike’s friend. That the friend of Mike’s made him to hook up with his own boyfriend and that he’s hurt and that he can’t speak. I was getting emotional shock, because I knew that Chris is very unstable and that he can do harm to himself. I told him to stay calm and to go with Mike. I called Mike, he was crying and saying he’s a jerk, that he’s not alright and stuff like that. I was getting so nervous and so worried about them both.

Later, when I called Mike (Chris’s phone was off), he told me that Chris is in his house and everything is okay. Then I felt slight relief, but only for a short time. I sent them both message to tell me when they finish and when they are okay, and I went to a friend’s house, because I promised my friend that I would come along. I didn’t slept the whole day and I was so tired.

Cause once Mike told me that Chris was even capable of killing himself and Mike, because Mike isn’t with him. It is some fucked up stuff, like we call it the yellow moment (moment when you don’t think clearly), I got worried like hell. I was calling both Chris and Mike’s phone, and both were off. I went from friend’s house directly to Mike’s neihgbourhood and was going around, trying to convince myself to go into Mike’s house. I was scared, because maybe his sister could be there, his father is not the problem because he knows me, and the second fear was to enter the house and see both Mike and Chris together. Okay, for one moment while talking with Chris, I even wanted to see them together, but in that moment, while I was wandering around Mike’s neighbourhood, I wasn’t ready. So I wanted… Then I went to the shop where the friend of Mike (the one who “made” mike kiss him boyfriend) and I saw the broken glasses. Then I returned to Mike and entered the house and saw his father. He just told me to go upstairs and I entered Mike’s room. Meanwhile, while being outside I called Chris’s number and some woman picked up. She told me that she doesn’t know no one named Chris, that she found the mobile and that she doesn’t care anymore, because the mobile is her and she asked me not to call this number again. Then I got mental, because I made scenario that Chris throw his mobile somewhere and killed himself. I was calling and telling the woman that it’s matter of life and death and that please she must tell me where she found the mobile, I don’t care about the mobile, she can keep it, I just need to find Chris. I called several times and everything, the woman was acting weird and she hung up on me. Then I decided to enter Mike’s house no matter what. Because I needed to find what happened, the situations was getting to be really really serious and dangerous.

I saw Mike sleeping; I was scared as hell, because I thought that Chris did something to Mike. I entered the room breathing very fast and I was so tired because I didn’t sleep the whole day, and I was feeling slight fever on my face. I even thought in one moment that I fill faint, but I didn’t, thank God. I talked to Mike and he told me that they had a huge fight, that Chris took his SIM card and changed all Mike’s passwords online (Facebook, Skype, Windows Live Messenger, fake Facebook)… Everything. He removed me from Mike’s friend list. He removed anyone connecting Mike with that friend, removed all connection Mike to gay world and left.

Then I called Chris’s number and the phone still was off. Me and Mike were talking for some time, he was getting widely awake and we even cried, talked about Mike and Chris’s relationship, about what I think about Mike and we both got very emotional and cried like little babies. He was smoking, he was fully clothed. I was going online on my Facebook and sending messages to Chris (because I still had him in my friends list), trying to see if he’s online on Skype and stuff like that. I got really worried, and then after I while, Mike was ready to leave to search for Chris. We meant to go to the apartment where Chris’s brother lived and it’s empty now, and Chris uses it from time to time. Mike got ready and we went outside.

Okay, now we come to some very emotional part, it’s so hard for me to write. The whole time I was talking to Mike and while I saw what Chris did to him (meaning on that passwords and stuff); I simply knew that I see Mike for the last time. And I was feeling that the whole way to the bus station…

Ok, sorry for this, but I really can’t finish this post right now. I can’t write and I can’t concentrate. I’m getting to emotional over all. Please understand me. I will tell you the rest of the story next time.

Thanks for reading and sorry for all grammatical mistakes, I really couldn’t reread the post, because it’s really hard for me. I’m really depressed all 5 days since this happened, and you’ll see why.



Monday, January 17, 2011

Ask me Anything (from June 2010 till January 2011)

1/17/2011 08:33:00 AM
Okay, this will be one long post, so get prepared, cause I will answer first 10 questions I didn't when they are originally published. Here we go... :)

Also, before the questions, I would really like your comments and opinions about my coming out to my parents, so please take your time and read my post published today, it is really important for me. Thanks in advance... My coming out post is here...

1. Could you describe yourself(I mean if you're fit or not,how tall' are you etc)] [if not i get it,'cause i know that you don't wanna say who are you and where are you from, it's priv informations] (8 months ago)

I will answer this no matter what… I’m quite tall, I have already said that, 187 cm or 6 feet and two inches, I think at least, I don’t use that, I just tried to convert that for you guys. And after going back to University, a lot of people told me that I grew up, so it’s maybe even more, I didn’t measure myself for a long time. I’m very fit and a lot of people say that I have perfect shape and body proportions. I started to work out regularly at home with some professional program cause I want to get some weight and to be more muscular, but I stopped when all this with Mike and parents happened, I just have too much on my mind to worry about getting muscular and stuff. And I even started to train something very interesting, the hip-hop, but later I stopped… Well, me and Mike started going there together, he made me to go there, and I made him start that, because he had something to make him feel better, and he loves to dance, and he’s really good at that. Also, for example Mike used to tell me a lot that I look like some model and that I need to try something in that direction, so who knows, maybe one day. Hehe, who knows?

2. Are you gay or still bi if you care ab that? (8 months ago)

To be honest, I don’t care about that at all. I don’t wanna label myself, and if you really would like to know, I’m gay. I’m comfortable with myself being gay and that’s all. Maybe it will happen that I fall in love with some woman, but for now, I know that I’m attracted by men and it will stay that way until I tell you it’s different. But I won’t pay too much attention on labels, I will live my life whatever I want, if it happens that I someday turn back to straight or bi, I don’t care, it happened, and I won’t regret any second of my gay life. I’m what I am, I’m happy now and finally I feel free and fulfilled and I’m so happy because of that. I’m proud of myself and that is the most important of everything. I have left my psychical struggle behind me and I feel for the first time in my life totally relaxed and happy (but only when it comes to my confusion, the other part of me is so sad because of everything which happened to me because of being the way I am)… But I don’t care, life is hard… or life’s a bitch, and then you die :)

3. What's a bad experience you've had with a health care worker (e.g. nurse, doctor, etc)? (6 months ago)

Hahahahahaah, this is so funny question, cause I only can think on one situation and it’s only my fault and no one’s else. I got drunk with D. and I was really excited cause I met him (that was the night when I met him even thought I fell in love long before that)… So that night D. and me got REALLY REALLY drunk and we ended up in hospital and doctor and nurse thought that I was drugged or something so they wanted to give me some operation, and they prepared me for that, so they stick some little thingy down my penis, I don’t know how to say it in English, but the use is to drain my piss down that little thingy into one bag while I’m on operation. That PAIN was the worst pain I have ever felt and I woke up and came round instantly and I was yelling: “Take that out of me. I want to go to bathroom”… Even though I was totally drunk and totally at the edge of life, I felt that PAIN and it brought me back. Later, my parents even told me that I was on reanimation, which I really can’t believe… But that experience was really strange and totally different from anything I have ever felt… Like I was alive, but I was floating somewhere between… Conscious, but still unconscious… Alive, but maybe on the edge… For one moment, I could even see my body and I everything was foggy and like behind some glass. My conscious mind was still there, but it was only a small amount of my consciousness. Strange feeling. I will remember that day until the rest of my life. Sometimes I even call it my second birthday just for a joke. My friends are also making a lot of jokes on that account, cause they know the whole story with the little thingy… Also, don’t think that I’m crazy when I say the stuff about being floating around. I just felt that way and maybe my mind played tricks on me after the whole incident, in order to retell what happened that night. I don’t remember much of the evening, but I just know that I ended on the bed next to D. in the hospital and that mine and his parents met. And from that day and on we were friends and “brothers by rum”. We were drinking rum. Aek, hope you are satisfied with your answer ;)

4. What is the status of your education? Are you going to university and if so will that take you away from Mike? (6 months ago)

This question was asked when I was in relationship with Mike, and to tell you the truth, it wouldn’t take me away from Mike, and Mike was the person who was forcing me to study a lot. He was my support and helped me a lot in that way. But later our relationship ended and to be honest I neglected my education for some short time, but I made my marks better later, and I’m okay now. I was emotionally stressed, and with everything happened, it is only normal for me to be like that.

5. Ask ab anything,hmm.... 1)Where do you want to move out?i mean ab country-'cause you mentioned it in your last post. 2) I guess that you live in Europe, but you dont live in Poland, do you? 3)Are you thinking ab having kids?of course in the future.

1) Dunno, my dream country is of course United States (NYC) as I mentioned before somewhere on my blog or somewhere in Europe, maybe France or Netherlands or even Sweden. Also, I adore Japan, so, who knows. We’ll see what life holds for me.

2) Yes, I will tell the big secret, I am from Europe and no I do not live in Poland.

3) Kids, that’s big deal and big questions for gays. To be honest I would like to have kids, but currently, I’m not feeling like having kids. Maybe that will change with time, I’m still young and I want to enjoy life. Later I will think about kids and having family of my own.

6. I keep asking... 4) For your last experience(making love) you should know what do you prefer :being top, bottom or maybe it's doesnt matter? 5)What do you study? Thx for reply ;] (6 months ago)

4) I’m that called veritable or whatever it is called or spelled, but I enjoyed being top more. I tried top more and I enjoyed it more, as for me I’m more top… Hope you are satisfied.

5) I can’t tell you what I’m studying cause it’s very specific, it has something to do with arts and that’s all what I can tell you. It can be interesting, it is also very useful and if you like it, very exciting. But if you are really interested in me and what I'm studying, please send me an email and we can talk. It's more private and I'm getting to know one more person, and that's also one of the things this blog is made for. Thanks for asking

7. Hey,Is everything ok? I guess that you finished your blog,did you? Anyway Take care ;) (2 months ago) (2 months ago)

Everything was okay and I didn’t finish my blog, I will never finish it, I will blog it until something happen to me, don’t worry, I just wasn’t inspired to write and a lot had happened and then I was to emotional to write and it is very hard for me to write in English, but I'm really getting used to that, I learned a lot and I'm still learning and I'm getting more and more relaxed with both English and my honesty. But now I’m back and everything will be much more better because I love writing and I love blogging… Thanks for caring… Love you all.

8. In one of your posts, you said you kinda didnt like one of the guy from dating website cause he was 'too bold'. I dont understand why that would be a problem. and secondly you dont seem to like 'feminine gays' , dont you think thats too judgemental ofyou?

Why is that judgmental? I’m just having my type of guy. I personally don’t like feminine gays and I’m not attracted by them even though I’m gay, and I don’t have anything against them. I met few and some of them are nice person. I judge persons only if they are ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and that’s all. Also, I was chatting with that bold guy and he lied to me that he’s bold, and I wasn’t attracted to him, so maybe you got me wrong, we even talked after that a lot, until we lost touch because I told him I’m not for a relationship with him, that’s all. So why I’m being judgmental, I just have my opinion and my type of a man.

9. A few questions down you said about a site an some creepy people talking of wanking an stuff? Man, It only takes a piece of dust to fall on you for others to call you more than just gay. I mean no harm. Im a gay kid too, Q: Why judge others. Stones-Stick (3 weeks ago)

To be honest, I didn’t understand this question completely and personally, I’m not into wanking and stuff over webcam on that kind of sites. I’m more of having relationship with some guy, enjoying wanking together when you have some feelings toward him and “making love” not “having sex” – if you understand me. I don’t have anything against these people, but I also have opinion and I call them “creepy” because it creped me when I first was offered that. I didn’t mean anything bad, I just expressed how I felt in that moment. Now I’m used to it and I simply say: “Not interested” and we both move on. I said also creepy people because I clearly said on my profile that I don’t want that, and they still offered it, dunno why. And I hate when people doesn’t read the profile. I’m not that kind of person and I’m not into quick stuff, I'm simply creepy and weird on my own way… Hope I answered your question. Thanks for asking. :)

10. Where are you from? (one week ago)

I already said in this post that I’m from Europe and that’s all what you will know until I decide opposite. Thanks for asking :) And if you wish to know really where I'm from, e-mail me and if I decide to tell you, you will know, I first would like to get to know you, and I don't wanna repeat myself, I already mentioned this in the question about my studies...

That's all for now, thanks for asking and thanks for reading... I hope you are all satisfied. Now I'm gone to study a little and to eat something, it's morning, beautiful morning...

P.S. Next group of questions will be answered soon (I really hope so :P)
P.P.S. Also, feel free to ask me anything else HERE.


My Life Update - part 3 (My Coming Out)

1/17/2011 05:13:00 AM
When living in a homophobic environment and when facing a lot of hatred toward gay people (even from your parents), it's not easy to come out to your parents. Especially if you know that one of them (your dad) is very narrow-minded person. Also, you are open person and it's hard for you to lie, and you feel alienated from your parents since you were a kid. For one period of your life you even thought that they are aliens cause you saw that they doesn't think like you. You feel like a stranger and that trip luckily doesn't last long, but of course it leaves a lot of influence on you in the future.

Even if you are obligated to lie them, cause you simply know that they won't understand, you still feel the need and the urge to tell them. After all, you are their own son and who can understand you better than your parents, who gave everything for you, who are still giving everything for you, cause you are their only child and you are their everything. And now you are between these two needs, to tell them or not to tell them. What choice to choose?
You can't leave it aside, you need to choose. You want to do both, but that is impossible, only one will be done, it's inevitable.
First one is leading you to slowly kill your relationship with your parents, cause you won't talk to them at all, and that conversation will be only basic conversation, nothing special, they won't know anything about you from making that choice in your mind and later on, you are going to lie them about yourself, about everything and anything, and one day you will leave, their heart will be broken, cause you left without explanation and you will always live with unbearable burden on your soul.
Second choice is riskier, harder choice, and it demands a lot of courage to do it. You are faced with your worst fears and simply, after taking this step, there's no going back. With first one you have the option to go back and try to fix things, the second one is the end. Either you get something from it, or you lose everything...

One night, a young guy lied in his bed and was staring into the ceiling, having a million thought running through his head. He has a lot of problems with his boyfriend. Something happened, something will happen, he knows that for sure. Chris is crazy, he will do something stupid. Mike is in danger. The boy doesn't know what to do to help himself and Mike. He needs to feel protected, he needs love and understanding, he needs understanding of his parents. They are older, maybe they can understand, maybe they know some reasonable solution, maybe they are there to finally understand him. And suddenly he’s experiencing some feeling he never felt before. It’s awful, awkward, strange feeling. He can’t explain it. All he knows is that it’s bad feeling, it doesn’t allow him to sleep and it makes him spin around in his bed with insomnia. He must do something, he mustn't sit aside and do nothing. He jumps out of bed and rushes inside his parents room. He wakes them up and he sees the face expression of his dad and he stops. “They won’t understand…” A simply thought runs throughout his head. They ask him what is wrong and he simply lies to them once more telling he was searching for his mobile cord, nothing special. He returns to bed.

“Okay, what was that? Are you insane? What are you doing?” he talks inside his head… He tries to fall asleep, but it doesn’t help at all. He still feels the weight of that problem and the weight of telling them everything. He doesn’t know what to do. For one second he is between decisions to turn around and tries to sleep or to tell them everything and finally stops his life full of lies, double identity toward his own parents. He jumps out of the bed again and walks again into parent’s room.

“I wasn’t searching for my mobile cord… I have something to tell you.”


He told them everything, from the moment he first felt something toward guys until the end. He told them how did he meet persons in person, what happened. He hoped that they will understand, and he sensed that in their voices and in mom's tears. It was a huge burden for him and finally he's revealing everything, he doesn't want to feel stranger anymore toward his parents. 
And then everything was fine. He thought that maybe his parents accept it. Everything was fine, and everything was seemed like it has a point. Even his mom told him: “I intended to ask you this by myself, but I didn’t know how…” and for the first time in his life he was truly happy. He had a perfect boyfriend, his parents was beginning to understand what have he been through and everything, like I said, was going into its place. Until one day…

One day his father returned from work and demanded from him to change, to help his mother and himself feel better, cause his mother will be sick knowing this. She doesn’t have peace after THE night and she can’t sleep, nor eat, nothing…

The young boy was hit with these words like thunder and from that moment on, until now it passed almost four months and since then the boy doesn’t have his peace. His boyfriend then cheated on him, and they broke up. He doesn’t care that much for school. He is hurt and disappointed with his parents, and he got disappointed with his boyfriend, even though he tried to be there for him, NO MATTER WHAT, after all. He loved him like he never loved anyone else.

And now, while he is writing this, he can’t concentrate and he can’t think clearly, so I’ll end this post. Now you know. I came out to my parents, and this is THE ONLY thing I regret in my life. I feel unstable and very sad, hurt and disappointed, by Mike, by my parents, by everyone. It hurts so much and there is so much sadness and so much burden on my soul.

I know that they love me, and that they will do anything for me, but because I know that they can’t understand me and feel what I feel, I feel like I’m disappointing them. It’s very funny, awkward and weird feeling. I know what is best, but I can't change myself, I tried, and we all know it's impossible.

Dunno what will happen next, wait and see...

I will stop now; I’m getting to emotional…

Thanks for reading and sorry because I this post maybe sounds confusing, cause I started like some story and finished like this, ordinary. I just wanted to finish with this post and that’s all. Hope you understand. And I’m waiting for your comments… I love you all, thanks for everything.

Also, I have million questions to answer, I’ll try to do that as soon as possible, I lost track of everything after breakup and after coming out to my parents. I told you a lot had happened, and a lot will happen.

Also, I'm very confused, cause everything happened so fast and I'm really really stressed with everything... Next post will explain what I'm planning and what are my fears. And there are a lot of new feelings, a lot of drama in the house, and simply I'm feeling like I'm gonna go crazy... I'm scared and alone (almost)... Dunno... Stay tuned and thanks one more time for reading...


Friday, January 7, 2011

I have found my peace....

1/07/2011 01:35:00 AM
I can't believe... It is so weird, so funny, so strange, but still so AMAZING... I have found my peace with Mike and Chris and all feelings I had for Mike. Everything happened so fast. I was pissed, angry, I even hate him, but in the same time I loved him. I was angry at Chris too, and I was blinded by my feelings, and I was very pissed by just hearing his name... Now everything has come to an end...

Few days ago, well two days ago, I send Chris message and came to idea to try have some friendly relationship with him, cause I don't want to lose Mike... And I did and me and Chris talked (A LOT) over Skype and... I feel relieved and amazing after so much time of sadness and all the crazy things I did because of love. I even started to care for Chris, cause he really is a nice person, who suffered a lot. I always knew that, but I was implanted with the thought by Mike that he's kinda crazy and stuff like that. Also, I found my peace cause I realised that me and Mike will never work, I knew that earlier, but I didn't want to accept that, after seeing and meeting Chris, I feel relieved...

Also, it is not only because of Mike... I also wanted to meet Chris, cause first time Mike mentioned him was when we were going out (we weren't together) and he just mentioned something basic, and I was intrigued with his story and even then I wanted to meet him, and I noticed that Mike care for him. But then, things got out of control, Mike did what he did, Chris acted crazily and I was confused, I was pissed, I was disappointed, I was blinded, but now I was able to move on and to put all my bad feelings beside, cause I believe that every person has some story to tell, and I was able to listen to Chris and to put myself in his position and I think and I hope so that this will be okay from now on. It is my wish and my desire, cause I like to hang out with good people. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. And I don't want to limit myself to my selfish goals, maybe the reason why I did it was selfish, but I will never try to ruin Mike and Chris's relationship, as long as they are together, I'll be happy for them, cause I realised few things.


Also I think that Mike is maybe a pathological liar, and I need to rethink about this thought, which is strange, but still maybe it's only my imagination, but something feels weird. And also that he isn't aware of it. There's something strange about him. But I don't care about that too much right now, maybe I will find with time. I only know that I love him and that my love-love feelings are a LOT reduced, cause I finally have found my peace. And I will be there for him and from now on, I will be there for Chris, too. I want to know him better and to help them both. Sounds so strange and maybe like I'm playing with fire, and maybe it's hard to understand, but it is really like that... I mean that honestly.

I will try to write longer update soon, and I also have to answer a lot of questions and I still owe you the post about my life which will shock you all, and expect that in few days :) And I'm in the middle of exams, so be patient.

And also I think that I will be rich person when I write my book :) about my life and about all crazy things that happened in it... Can't wait... I even started to write first chapter :-)

Okay, that's all folks, for now... Stay tuned for next updates... :) See ya soon! Thanks for reading and have a nice day... I love you all!!!
P.S. I forgot to wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR. ALL THE BEST, HOPE THAT THIS NEW YEAR WILL BRING US SOMETHING SPECIAL... May it be better than last one... But nevertheless, I'm still grateful to everything that happened. :) I feel so happy and fulfilled :P


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