Wednesday, March 23, 2011

One year before

3/23/2011 04:10:00 AM
Today is exactly one year of making a first second contact (we had few messages before in February, but it was really short) with Mike through that online dating site. I know I'm living in past and maybe that's not good, but I wanted to share this detail with you. And there will be more details to come, just to keep record of my life, before and after Mike.

I feel so hurt, and so down. I saw Mike one week ago, exactly one week ago, he got back from the country where his mom lives and I missed him... I saw him, and Chris was there too, we hanged out and I saw him. I'm retarded, I'm immature, I'm so fucking naive, I'm so fucking deep in love, I'm so fucking blind, I'm maybe masochistic... but I can't help it.


Budapest - Day 6 - Tuesday, February 8th

3/23/2011 04:05:00 AM
Even though only 5 days passed, I already felt that I was in Budapest for ages. I walked through the whole city in 4 days and moved to a hostel. Now I wanted to enjoy my free time alone and maybe start my book. Also, for the beginning, in this hostel I booked only two nights and then I planned to move to that small accommodation which my temporary boss offered me. I would be alone and had my own time. I changed my mind and you will see why. Like I said, I enjoyed my time with Spanish guy and I really liked that socialization in the hostel and every day new and different people come and go. I like that, variety of people.

I woke up early to go to my work and I came there on time and talked weirdly with a guy who also works there. I washed some dishes and I watched how he cleans a room because later I will also do that. It was kinda boring and the hostel (well, actually it’s more a hotel) had some weird energy and I didn’t felt good there. I earned like 1500 forints and that’s around 5 € which is kinda good for 3 hours of work. And all I did was wash dishes and watched the guy cleaning.

I returned to the hostel. I spend this day talking with people, socializing and also with my friend over Skype and then (or maybe two days ago) he told me that he’s coming too. So he booked a hostel (not the one I was into, some other one, but it was very near mine).

I met some couple from Portugal. We played cards and later all people from the hostel watched some movie and the Spanish people brought a fun game. We played that crazy game with all the people from the hostel until it become very late. Also, I met two guys from Belgium, and one of them was gay for sure. My gaydar worked well, I think. He was so sweet and simply said – gay.

This day one amazing and strange thing happened to me. Two people from Turkey came to the hostel, a guy, Osman and a girl, Denise.

At night we went out together with the rest of the people from the hostel in some pub (it was some party organized by hostels). When we were going to the club, I ended up with Turks and we talked about regular things and it seemed interesting and great until one point of the evening, when it becomes strange and amazing. Denise simply said in the club: “Well, actually, Osman is a gay, but he doesn’t like to tell the people that, especially because you are from homophobic country.” I don’t know did she had an intention to tell me that or it was because of my joke on a guy who was dressed as a girl (it was a mascaraed party) but the point is that she told me even though I kinda suspected. He isn’t typical gay guy nor anything, simply said, I felt it and he was with a girl and they didn’t seem close as a boyfriend and a girlfriend. It looks like my gaydar works great.

After she told me that, I stood there, stunned and shocked – and after all glad. It kinda felt good and I was having a smile on my face. Then I bent toward her (because it was too laud, we were in the club) and told her on her ear: “Well, I’m also gay and actually this trip is my break and my vacation from breaking up with my ex-boyfriend.” And because few moments before the whole scene I commented on some girl (Spanish girl) Denise was like: “What about that girl, are you gay or bisexual?” And I was shocked because she asked and reacted so normally and it really felt good, all that normalness. I told her it was only my disguise (I kinda do that unconsciously because I’m used to it and well, the girl really was cute and beautiful). At first, I didn’t want her to tell Osman (honestly, I dunno why, well, I know, I’m kinda paranoid and under impression of my own country), but later I allowed her and he was smiling and then he showed me the picture of his boyfriend on the cellphone. It was really funny but it was so pleasant because I felt normal and I was free. I met a gay guy so strangely in person, on normal way.

Then, we went out and we talked and wandered around Budapest. I was so confused with the situation and tired so we got lost and we didn’t have an idea where we are. I told them a few segments of my story with Mike and my story about parents.

They told me few details about situation in Turkey and I was shocked with some details (for example: if you are gay, you don’t need to go to army, but you need to provide a proof that you are gay, and you will do that by taking a picture of yourself having sex, and you need to be bottom).

Osman helped me by telling me and advising me toward my relationship with Mike (but, Osman, I still believe that we can remain friends, I want that). By the way, Osman is the first person who picked his name on this blog. Later, when I got back, I told him about this blog and he’s probably reading it right now. With this post I would also like to thank you (him) for everything. Even though you are not aware of that, you and your story and the fact that you are with your boyfriend more than a year and the fact that you are not “look at me, look at me, I’m gay” type of guy really gave me hope and returned my faith to this world (I was very disappointed and probably still I’m a bit). This world is full of lies, dirt and bad people. I’m not judgmental, I’m just disappointed in gay people (especially here) because they see everything in sex (like most of gay people), they are bitter persons and they are full of themselves and you need to admit that a lot of gay people are really like that, and they are so bitchy sometimes. I don’t like that. I understand them, they are like that because they are not accepted and they led a psychological war inside their head. But, get over it. Also, I would like to say that I know that gay people are not usually like that when you meet them and when you get to know them, but I don’t like when people at the starts begin to act so bitchy and so harshly.

I liked Osman and Denise because they were so normal, so friendly; especially Denise, so communicative and I had a great time with them. And I’m also grateful to them about one more thing but you will hear about that in the next ‘Budapest log’ post.


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Budapest - Day 5 - Monday, February 7th

3/09/2011 02:52:00 AM
Woke up early, went immediately to that hostel and talked with very cute receptionist (she’s a girl btw) and booked a bed. She showed me a room and hostel and I told her that I will bring my stuff during a day. Also, great thing that happened to me was the text I got from a guy who was my boss for a short while, because I went to Budapest asking for some jobs while I’m there. The guy owns some hostel to which I have sent an e-mail asking for a job. He called me to come for an interview. After meal, I was heading straight there to that hostel.

The interview and the ho(s)tel was awesome, the guy even offered me an ‘almost’ free accommodation and I was eager to start working. The salary wasn’t that good but it kinda helped me for a few days. To be honest, I wasn’t that much into job anymore because I kinda got relaxed during my stay at Den’s place and I chatted a lot with Chris and I changed my mind about leaving university, I realized how important education is and no matter how much your university sucks. I worked at that hostel for 2 days and I got some cleaning/hotel experience which is still great. My first day was on 8th of February and I quit job on Thursday and you’ll see why.

After the interview and booking the room I returned to Den’s and packed my stuff and moved them slowly to the hostel. Later, I met again with Den for the last time. He took me to the cinema (for free because he works there) and he took free tickets, some popcorns and we watched “From Paris with Love” and it was really good movie. Somewhere at the middle of the movie, I thought about my education, my future plans and maybe in that moment I decided to go back home and finish my education. It was good, I enjoyed a lot in whole trip, Den’s company and I saw again the hot guy from the party, who I liked. He also works in the cinema, as Den, and that’s how they know each other. I said ‘hi’ to him and he recognized me.

Later, after going back from the cinema and entering metro, Den and me talked and I said ‘thanks’ for everything he did for me and told him that I’m so amazed by him and that he’s a great guy, which is true and he said goodbye in the metro, when he needed to get off (at the station where I lived for the last 4 days). I was smiling because I was glad I met him and he made me feel okay, dunny why, and I didn’t have crush on him, he’s very good person and I’m glad I met him. When I got back to the hostel, it was knda weird, because I have never stayed in a hostel.

I forgot to mention that I met a guy from Canada, we’ll name him Tom, he’s a musician-traveller and he was in Budapest for a month and he’s an alcoholic. In the beginning I didn’t pay much attention to this, but later I felt so sad for him, but again, on the other hand, after one situation, I realized that he’s maybe even more complicated than he looks.

Also, I met two girls from Canada and three people from Barcelona. That night, I talked with one Spanish guy until 5 AM and we had a great talk about everyday stuff, life, books, and I enjoyed his company so much.
I went to bed early/late (depends how you look at it) and it was weird but in the same time great experience, because I shared my room with six other unknown people. Everyone was snoring, breathing, sleeping and somehow, I don’t know how, I fell asleep.


Saturday, March 5, 2011

My friends found out about my blog

3/05/2011 10:29:00 PM
Once upon a time, when I was at David’s house I showed him my blog and I was reckless because I didn’t cover the URL on time so he remembered it. That was about two months ago.

After returning back from Budapest, I noticed that David and Lucy were kinda strange. Simply said, I suspected but I wasn’t sure.

First, I didn’t told them about coming out to my parents. I didn’t tell them because my father asked me not to tell them, and I didn’t feel comfortable because they know them and they see them almost every day in the neighbourhood.

And then, one week ago I found out that David, Lucy and other friend (to whom I also came out) found out and was reading my blog and they didn’t told me because they read the post about my parents, and thought that I’m not telling them everything.

When I found out, I was very disappointed with them all and I thought I have lost my blog. I wanted to keep my blog private and even though I tell them almost everything, simply said, I wanted to keep it my ‘own’. I wanted a free will to write about anything I want without them commenting: “You should’ve said like this, like that blah blah blah…” and so on. Also, there are some secrets other doesn’t want to know from the other people and there is a lot of details from Mike’s life I don’t want them to know, because it’s his privacy and I respect that. That’s why I’m keeping myself anonymous.

So, when I found out, I thought everything is over. Three years of blogging (well, not that regularly but still three years) and I started to love this blog more and more with every day. I enjoyed writing and I had plans with it. As I said, I have ambitions to write a book some day and I will use this. Also, few days ago I was reading my posts about Mike (when we were in relationship and when I was blinded and happy) and it really made me feel better and simply I keep a track of my life.

This blog has become my online diary (even though I have my own diary) and I’m so glad to see how many visitors I have during a day, reading the comments, see that someone cares. Simply, you feel better and I thought that everything is over.

Also, Lucy got hysterical because I wrote about her and Ben (the friend I also told and I never mention him so now it’s the time to name him). So, his name is Ben, he knows about me and Lucy has a crush on him and they had something. It’s so complicated, they were friend for more than 14 years and a lot had happened between them. David found out about this and then Lucy told me (actually, she confirmed my doubts). I was sad because of her, and this is also one of the reasons why I would like to keep my blog away from my friends. I need my freedom of writing and with them reading this, it's simply not the same.

Later, that night, I changed my URL, my RSS feed and moved my blog to another location and talked a lot with David. He promised me that he won’t ever search for it. He understood how this is important for me. But in any case, because I know him and I know Bed is very curious and I didn’t want to ruin our trust, I changed URL. I lost some visits, but not my followers, blog buddies and my posts. I’m really lucky because David, Lucy and Ben don’t know anything about Blogger, following, reading, RSS feeds and so on. So, now the blog and my freedom of writing are safe. But in any case, I will follow visits from my country, to see is everything really okay. Until then, I’m still blogging.

Follow me and Ask Me Anything. Thanks for reading…


Saying Goodbye to Mike

3/05/2011 05:24:00 PM
Last week I met with Mike and Chris, because Mike was travelling to another city in some other country to see his mother. I kinda made Chris allow me to see Mike and as I said before, Chris and I chatted a lot while I was in Budapest and even after I got back.

To be honest, I realized that Chris and Mike’s relationship will never last. I don’t know how to explain. Simply, Chris made Mike not use his Facebook, Mike lost his laptop because of Chris (he broke it in some fight they had), and Chris is really complicated, very possessive and very unstable person because he is obsessed with Mike. And because I know that this will make Mike gone mad, I know that it will break someday and Chris only lives in illusion of having relationship until the end of his life. This is kinda childish and immature for 21 and 22 years old. Mike is almost 22 now. And I admit that I’m also very immature, I simply can’t let it go, I care about Mike a lot. Maybe I even love him but as I said to Sam yesterday, I’m okay with it and I simply know that someone special for me will come. I realized that Mike and I are totally different worlds, and I made peace accepting the fact that Mike doesn’t want to be with me. My heart hurts, but what can I do. And no matter how hurt I am, I still care about him and I want to be there for him.

And last week, I realized that he is slowly forgetting me and he is also kinda lying to himself about everything he feels toward Chris and Chris is very selfish, even though he cares for Mike. Simply said, their relationship was and still is full of lies. Mike simply can’t be totally honest with Chris because Chris is really sensitive and reckless and as we all know, the trust is the most important base of every relationship, and that’s why I think it will break eventually.

I know that Mike dreams to be free and that he is very tortured inside, with his past with that friend (his best friend from childhood). I can feel it and I can see it. Maybe I’m wrong, but time will show. As for now I still don’t want to lose Mike and not in relationship-meaning, I just like when he is around me, I care a lot about him and I don’t care anymore about him being in relationship with someone else. I just wanna be there for him no matter what. And to be honest, Mike seems kinda weird, like he is doing this on purpose. Like, when I started talking with Chris he was very against that. Maybe he’s playing us both and he’s kinda put in the corner because Chris and I communicate. Time will also show. I just want to be there for him when he needs me, because as I said, I care a lot about him, no matter he hurt me, no matter we will probably never be together and I hate see him be sad and hurt.

I miss Mike. Well, to be honest, I miss kisses, hugging, cuddling and having someone to love and to know he is there for you and he is into you. I only miss the idea of having a boyfriend and not Mike, because he disappointed me, used me and now he’s kinda leaving me aside. And I just wanna know why when he told me few months ago: ‘I know that I will have you for my whole life.’ This sentence is haunting me always.


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