Saturday, March 5, 2011

Saying Goodbye to Mike

6
3/05/2011 05:24:00 PM
Last week I met with Mike and Chris, because Mike was travelling to another city in some other country to see his mother. I kinda made Chris allow me to see Mike and as I said before, Chris and I chatted a lot while I was in Budapest and even after I got back.

To be honest, I realized that Chris and Mike’s relationship will never last. I don’t know how to explain. Simply, Chris made Mike not use his Facebook, Mike lost his laptop because of Chris (he broke it in some fight they had), and Chris is really complicated, very possessive and very unstable person because he is obsessed with Mike. And because I know that this will make Mike gone mad, I know that it will break someday and Chris only lives in illusion of having relationship until the end of his life. This is kinda childish and immature for 21 and 22 years old. Mike is almost 22 now. And I admit that I’m also very immature, I simply can’t let it go, I care about Mike a lot. Maybe I even love him but as I said to Sam yesterday, I’m okay with it and I simply know that someone special for me will come. I realized that Mike and I are totally different worlds, and I made peace accepting the fact that Mike doesn’t want to be with me. My heart hurts, but what can I do. And no matter how hurt I am, I still care about him and I want to be there for him.

And last week, I realized that he is slowly forgetting me and he is also kinda lying to himself about everything he feels toward Chris and Chris is very selfish, even though he cares for Mike. Simply said, their relationship was and still is full of lies. Mike simply can’t be totally honest with Chris because Chris is really sensitive and reckless and as we all know, the trust is the most important base of every relationship, and that’s why I think it will break eventually.

I know that Mike dreams to be free and that he is very tortured inside, with his past with that friend (his best friend from childhood). I can feel it and I can see it. Maybe I’m wrong, but time will show. As for now I still don’t want to lose Mike and not in relationship-meaning, I just like when he is around me, I care a lot about him and I don’t care anymore about him being in relationship with someone else. I just wanna be there for him no matter what. And to be honest, Mike seems kinda weird, like he is doing this on purpose. Like, when I started talking with Chris he was very against that. Maybe he’s playing us both and he’s kinda put in the corner because Chris and I communicate. Time will also show. I just want to be there for him when he needs me, because as I said, I care a lot about him, no matter he hurt me, no matter we will probably never be together and I hate see him be sad and hurt.

I miss Mike. Well, to be honest, I miss kisses, hugging, cuddling and having someone to love and to know he is there for you and he is into you. I only miss the idea of having a boyfriend and not Mike, because he disappointed me, used me and now he’s kinda leaving me aside. And I just wanna know why when he told me few months ago: ‘I know that I will have you for my whole life.’ This sentence is haunting me always.

About the author

Secret Blogger is writing about his life, living as a gay guy in a homophobic society.

6 comments:

  1. I know how you felt when I dumped Ryan, I missed having a bf and just having someone to be with.

    It's going to be hard but you will make it I'm confident that you will. I think you are a really strong guy.

    P.S. glad you liked my previous blog layout hope you will like the one I have set up now.

    Take Care B,
    Ethan

    ReplyDelete
  2. You say that you think someone special will come, but you're still clinging onto Mike. You said it yourself, you miss him, you still care for him and you want to be around him. But what you're actually doing is getting in the way of Mike and Chris' relationship. Yes, they have their own problems, yes they have trust issues and yes they might break up. But that's what you're doing. Are you like this with anyone else? Have you not stopped to think that perhaps being around them both is making it harder for them to work things out?

    "And last week, I realized that he is slowly forgetting me and he is also kinda lying to himself about everything he feels toward Chris and Chris is very selfish, even though he cares for Mike"

    It just sounds like you're coming up with excuses, as to why you need to stick around. Mike has already proven that he's hurt you, and so what if you forgave him, he'll just hurt you again. Trust isn't something you can give back to someone once it's broken. Perhaps it would be best if you backed off and left them both alone, even if you are just a friend. Even if they break up, do you really want to be the catalyst? And plus, everything seems too messy, after reading all your posts about it, that you seem to just ... stick around hoping things will fix themselves and that Mike will be yours. You're infatuated over someone. If something's messy and broken, it's best to move on because it sounds cliche but - time really is the only healer.

    And like you said, perhaps there is someone out there for you, but do you really think you'll meet that person if you're still hanging around Chris and Mike and constantly being part of that messy relationship? And do you really think anyone decent is going to stick with you when they find out you're part of this weird threesome and can't let go of someone who did nothing but hurt you?

    If it were me, i'd bail instantly. I wouldn't want to be around someone like that, because I have enough personal issues to deal with, plus, I'd want to be committed 100% to someone and know I'm getting the same back.

    But, that's just my opinion. Even if I have experienced similar. All you can do really is move on. I hope everything works out, and I'm sorry for being blunt. But sitting here and telling you "things will be okay" and "you're doing the right thing" never helps anyone. You need a heavy hand, so to speak.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Two things!

    Didn't u mention in some previous post that u had made peace with Chris?

    If so, it doesn't seem so from the post. While you may have adapted to the idea of seeing Chris n Mike together, you haven't quite gotten used to it!

    And if you want to move on, you got to stop being hung up on Mike! U will find someone, but if u stay around Mike for any longer...if that one does show up, you are very likely to over him!

    ReplyDelete
  4. @Adam: Thank you for your comment, it really hit me (which is good, I needed this), because you are right, but I can't help it. I can't live without Mike (well, I feel that way now, dunno why, I got so attached to him) and like I said, I simply can't let it go... Sounds childish and maybe it is, but... I can't fucking kill all my feelings and go immediatelly somewhere else and simply move on. I feel that there's a lot of unanswered questions which will haunt me forever, and while I write this, I realise how stupid and retarded I sound, but still, I can't help it. I'm so fucked up...

    I'm fine by just being around him and if that means that I will be alone always, I don't care, for now. If I find someone new, I will feel it and I know that maybe I will change my relationship with Mike and this obsession with him. But I'm hurt and I care for him, I have never felt this way to anyone. And as far as I'm around him, I will never try to search for anyone new, and to be honest, because I saw a lot dirt in this world, I'm not eager to try any time soon.

    "Have you not stopped to think that perhaps being around them both is making it harder for them to work things out?"

    I know that this is not true, because I don't have intentions to ruin them, not consciously nor unconsciously, I'm okay with them being together. And that's why I'm making my peace with Chris, and I am talking with him to see that I'm serious. I just want to hang around Mike and I'm starting to become good friend with Chris... Which is really weird, but I'm making my peace as I said before... And I'm also starting to care for Chris too, which is great, because I'm kinda reducing my feelings toward Mike.

    They had trust issues, and it's not my fault, and I have never was between them, Chris never looked at me as some other Mike exes and Chris is hurt with Mike lying to him (before) and Chris is really complicated person who provoces you, that's why they are fighting a lot, which is childish, it's not adult relationship, and I don't have to do anything with that. The story is really complicated. I just said that I think that they won't last that long, which is maybe egocentric and selfish from my side... But that's my opinion.

    @Phunk: Yeah, you are right, but I'm getting used to it. It hurts a bit, but it will be okay...

    ReplyDelete
  5. "And plus, everything seems too messy, after reading all your posts about it, that you seem to just ... stick around hoping things will fix themselves and that Mike will be yours."

    And I'm not hoping for Mike being with me again... I'm just okay if he's okay... And I would like to see that he's okay... I don't care if he's with me or with anyone else. And as I said before, I don't know will I be able to be in a new relationship with him again...

    Also, I'm not sure will I be able to feel exactly same feelings toward anyone else. I'm scared because of that... and maybe this is the reason why I can't move on...

    ReplyDelete
  6. It sounds like it's a very possessing relationship, and one person has a lot of the power. Hopefully Mike will one day "wake up" and realize all the sacrifices he's making and break up with Chris. But it's very hard. Best of luck to them, and to you!

    ReplyDelete

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