Budapest log: The last days in Budapest3
We walked a bit around the city, talked because we didn’t see each other in more than a month and I was really surprised he came, but I like his recklessness. Even though we are totally different persons, we are great friends. He’s bit weird, but in the same time – he’s simply himself, that’s what I like about him. Let’s call him Sancho, as a friend of Don Quixote.
Sancho and I bought some rum and beer and we started drinking. I had a great time with all the other hostel people, but I got really drunk so I kinda blacked out later, then we moved to another club. Sancho went home and I somehow ended with Turks. I was throwing up and Osman was there. I was totally fucked up. Then I don’t remember much, I just know that Osman took me, well literally grabbed me, and we walked to the hostel. Then, all the pain came out, everything about Mike and everything what was deep down in my heart came out and I started crying like… well, I don’t know how to compare, I was crying my ass off. I hate when this happens and in recent time it was very often while I got drunk. I was so embarrassed, but the pain was huge and my broken heart was so hurt so I continued. Then I took some letters and some stuff I wrote after break-up and I ‘throw-up’ all my feelings out again.
I don’t know when I went to bed, and I was so drunk and hangover and I needed to show up on the work tomorrow early in the morning.
Because I was moving to another room that night, when I was packing my stuff I realized that my wallet is also gone… It was nowhere to be found.
To be honest, I didn’t know what to think, I was still hangover (holding my bottle of water all day long), and packing and I wasn’t that ‘down’ because of my wallet. Why? Because I’m very calm person and after a while, I faced up the facts that it’s gone and I can’t gave it back. It was my entire fault, because I was drinking and making a fool of me.
I wasn’t sure what happened. Did I have it when we were clubbing or did I leave it in the hostel? I got drunk at the hostel and I didn’t plan to drink anymore. Also, at most clubs the entrance is free so I wasn’t sure did I bring it at all.
Also, this with wallet maybe was a sign from some higher force, a God or something, to make me wanna go back home, who knows, but I still think that maybe someone from the hostel stole it, because I wasn’t paying attention (drunken fool).
After the drama, I got over it; the guys with the lost key later found their key in lost-and-found area of the club, Polish guy also lost his wallet.
I made a goodbye lunch for Turkish people, and the lunch to say ‘thank you’ for the last night, because they were heading to Rome after Budapest. We said goodbye and we promised to keep in touch (and we are still in touch), and I was really glad I met them all.
(Also, in this post I would like to congratulate to Osman, he got married to his boyfriend in the end of May and I'm truly happy for them. All the best Osman to you and to your husband). Wow this 'husband' part sounds in the same time so nice, so weird and so unusual but I love it :D I already wished him all the best, but I wanted to mention his marriage here, too.
Later, in the evening we didn’t go anywhere and we stayed in the hostel. I think we watched a movie and another group of Spanish people came, including some crazily hot and handsome guy. I literally was drooling…
Sancho got stoned, an Israeli receptionist gave him some weed and he was totally wasted, he threw up like 5 or 6 times during night.
I was enjoying my talk with some Brazilian girl and she was hitting on me the whole night, made me drink her vodka and so on. Everything started when she was close to me while watching some afternoon movie.
Later, we decided to go out, but it was only 4 of us. It was two Polish people, Brazilian girl and me.
Then we watched another movie and the Brazilian girl was all around me, with her legs and her arms around me. We were kinda sitting and hugging. We both were drunk, I wasn’t that much but I still felt alcohol in my blood system. Sancho was asleep in the common room, and he was still stoned and wasted and very very pale, but he drank some water and ate something, so I knew he was okay. He was sleeping like a baby.
When the movie ended, the other people went outside and Brazilian girl and me remained alone (well, Sancho was there next to us, but he was asleep).
I’ll make it short now… We made out, a lot… Yes, with a girl. And yes, it was only for a fun, it wasn’t serious and yes, I’m still gay, definitely gay… At one moment I was laughing because I didn’t felt anything at all. It was funny and my ‘tool’ wasn’t that hard. Then at one point I thought what she would think if she knew that I’m gay, and then I laughed. She was like: ‘What’s so funny? What’s so funny?’ and we both laughed after.
Her friend came then, Sancho woke up and we went to the bed. I’m so mean, but what can I do. She was one of those girls who have fun and ‘enjoy’ life. I’m not like that, and I didn’t bring it to another level, even though I never had a sex with a girl.
Tomorrow everything was okay, but we didn’t do anything and she left in the evening because her friend was sick and she needed to go home (it was near) as soon as possible.
Day wasn’t that special, Sancho and me said goodbye to polish people, hanged out with them, went to a tea house where Sancho bought a lot of tea.
But the night and the next day was a disaster for me. I made a huge mistake (again). I was smoking weed with that Israeli girl.
My weed experience is not that big. First time I tried it, it was with and because of Mike, because like I said he had problem with drugs and I took it as an excuse to understand Mike. Later, I tried it few more times with my friends from neighbourhood (including David and Ben). Btw, Ben is starting to have problem with that and he’s doing it very very often, almost every day and I’m so worried about him. Last time I tried it on New Year’s Eve, and I took only one smoke of some strong shit and I flew, literally. It’s called skunk if you heard about it. That day I got really stoned, I usually feel good when I’m high but I took it very carefully, I know a lot of details about that shit from Mike and I’ve read that book I already mentioned, the one I give to Mike ‘Higher and Higher’…
This is Budapest was my worst time, I don’t know what I took and I didn’t take much. I was only trying to have fun. But then I experienced huge paranoia (probably because I was in foreign country and only Sancho was a friend and a close person) and the night was so stressful for me. From the first moment I took it, I knew it will end badly. Luckily, I didn’t take much.
He stayed for a short while, but I owe him my life (literally) because I was so fucking paranoid. I knew it wasn’t real, but still your brain believes it and you can’t help it.
In the heat of the moment, I decided not to sleep the whole night and I begged Sancho to take an early train tomorrow to home. I put laptop bag around my back and I laid there on the sofa. It was so stressful for me. I felt like I was completely alone in the whole world. In the end, I started falling asleep while that Israeli girl was watching ‘Sex and the City 2’ So, for one moment I was awake, and in the next I was trying not to fall asleep.
In the end, when the reaction to the drug worn off a little, I went to my bedroom, climbed my bed, put my laptop next to me and fall asleep.
Budapest - Day 11 - Sunday, February 13th
Until then, my blog will probably become bit boring :P… Seeing Mike happy and healthy kinda makes me happy, so I think I can handle it. As long as he’s okay and he’s around me, I’ll be okay, too. I don’t need to be together with him, it’s so strange but I simply feel like this. I have fallen a lot for him and this is the first time I let myself to someone in that way and I fear that I won’t be able to give myself to anyone else in that way (and in that intensive feeling). I have changed, I can see that and I’m also afraid of myself. I went through many things the last year (exactly a year) and everything had huge influence on me. I’ve changed and I still don’t know is this change good or bad. I need to determine that as soon as possible. I’ve grown up I can see that, too and I simply feel strange toward some things. For example, I don’t feel the same when I see a sunset, I don’t feel the same when I’m on my favourite part of the city. Everything is strange, different and a lot of reminds me still on Mike.
Seems so difficult, but we’ll see how the situation progresses in the future.
All in all, everything is relatively okay now. Until next post, thank you so much for reading, I love you all, and big thanks for reading and following ;)
I would just like to add that all the previous entries for Budapest I have written few months ago and that I today feel completely different toward Mike, the feelings are starting to be friendly and everything is okay, I managed to collect all the pieces and to 'make my heart whole again' and I started searching for new 'love'... I know myself, I can't live without a love or without someone next to me, to hold my hand, to be there for me and so on... Okay, this is all for Budapest, I hope you enjoyed, even though it's huge post and the whole 'log'...