Sunday, September 25, 2011

Pride day in my homophobic country

9/25/2011 03:30:00 AM
It's less than one week until the fourth Pride in my country. First one was a disaster with blood all around (it was held 10 years ago), I don't have information did anyone die and the pride site is down right now so I can't check the info, but I know there was a lot of blood and that a lot of people was seriously hurt. Second one (2 years ago) was canceled because of security measures and some serious threats. Third (last year) was successful, but it was really poor and very very risky and it was followed by riots and gathered like 6000 anti-gay activists (and there was like only 1000 gay people on the Pride, half of them was politicians who was there only for political purpose). Also, the whole city was blocked, violated and now, in less than one week from now, the fourth Pride is going to be held...

I'm following all the news and events which are related to the 'Pride' and I feel very sad with every comment I read or hear because I see how "my" (and I'm really ashamed right now to say that they are "mine") own people are so ignorant and so narrow minded (in my language, we use term "left behind"). Even positive and the "pros" comments aren't satisfying enough that it will really get better. It is so sad because majority of people hate something they don't even wanna find out and on their faces you can see that they don't even have a wish to just try to understand it. But that doesn't prevent them to comment it freely and openly (meaning negative) and to hate it. In one way I even understand them (fear of unknown and simply fear), but in another, I can't take it anymore and I can't understand how people can be THAT ignorant. My parents included (well, more dad than mom, I even think mom is okay right now with all that), even though they know about me more than a year. It's hating without a reason, which is the most stupidest thing ever and which is something DUMB and idiotic. They judge something they don't know NOTHING (literally) about. It's so sad. I just watched some TV talk show where they discussed Pride, and it was so sad and I felt really bad and I wished I never was born here, I feel so ashamed of my country, of my people, of everything said and done against Pride and I kinda lost hope (even though the hope dies last) that even a slightly lil bit will change. But... because I'm a helpless and unbeatable optimist... I still have a little hope left, only little...

Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know and you'll see the way to fly.


RIP Jamey Rodemeyer

9/25/2011 03:14:00 AM
I can't help it, I must mention Jamey Rodemeyer on my blog... I suppose you all heard that he was a 14 year old gay boy who killed himself and that he was being bullied because of his sexuality. It is a really sad and not so rare story, but this one got attention because he was blogging about his suffers and he was searching for support and for comfort and you can't blame him for that, you only must respect him. I just started crying......

Jamey, Rest in Peace...

I don't like when something like this has to happen so someone take action and notice something which is in front of them all the time. It's just so sad, and we people are so weak and so selfish. I'm deeply hurt by all this and I really hope that something will be done, because Jamey and all other people (not just gay, I mean all people) out there being bullied deserve that... I'm just thinking about (now, I'm being selfish) where would I be if I didn't 'close' myself and camouflaged myself into my homophobic society and environment and stayed 'unnoticeable'. The camouflage and 'closing' was only my way of dealing with thing, until I felt that I'm ready to confront the world, which I already started, but I'm going slowly and carefully because I'm not sure am I completely ready yet... We humans are really fragile and precious things and a small word and a simple act can really damage us hard... See what happened to Jamey... But also, the small word and the small act can also make us so happy and so full of love. We must protect each other and take care of each other, that's the key to the perfection. That's the key to the Love, not Hate.


Thursday, September 22, 2011

Ricky Martin - 'Me', influence on me and a REVIEW

9/22/2011 09:00:00 PM
I finished book few weeks ago and I decided to put a little review of my own here on my own blog.

I followed Ricky's career not that much, only with tabloids and stuff, but secretly, because all my 'gay interest' and 'not-normal' stuff I did secretly. I saw rumors of him being gay and news about him getting children and all that we all knew through magazines and papers. And I was admiring him secretly. And then, accidentally I went to his site and saw that he 'came out' as a homosexual man and I was surprised and happy in the same time. It was somewhere around April or May of 2010 when I found out that he came out as a happy gay man and I was glad.

Later, I found out that he published a book, somewhere around November 2010 and that is a time when my breakup happened and after seeing the cover and seeing it's a biography, all I wanted is to get that book somehow. And I did, I got some money and I bought book in August of 2011, it took me so much time, but I got it. I wanted to learn more about him and also to improve my English.

To be honest, he's not a great writer (expected), he still needs to work more on his style and some parts of the book are repeated constantly, but it's was okay reading it, easy written, simple sentences and I kinda enjoyed it. I also realize that this is his way to promote himself more, because his career started to go down-way, but no matter what I think that he helped me to improve my English and to learn something about him.

I don't know did I mention it earlier, but this blog and all my diaries and stuff I collect about my life and all my writings are some kind of resources for me writing a book one day, a book for my homophobic society and for all the other gay and st8 people out there, and the book who will hopefully open some eyes and free some minds. I got idea few years ago and I even started it, I got a first paragraph (it's a beginning) but I need to think through this idea more, because it's not a easy task. I was also planning to start writing a gay fairytales and that will be my contribution to a gay world. It's not a big deal, but I would feel very happy if I furfill this dream of mine.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Corfu, Greece, Summer 2011 - part 4

9/21/2011 05:00:00 PM
Because I write really really long, sorry because of that, I really don't want to miss any detail, I will make this post really quick. It's just a night part of the previous post and the end of the whole holiday-summer story. Thanks for reading and following me ;)

We met up on the main road while I started going to the club where we met, and I saw him with his friend, the girl who fell from the table. Because I was drunk (and very hyperactive), I took them both to the club where our organization made party (it was an organization who brought us on the island and made the themed holiday with party everyday). The girl decided to stay a lil bit there, because it was full with the people from our country and me and U. went to my hotel after a while. I left my doors open and we entered the room.

Because it was four of us in a room, it was apartment with two two-bed rooms with the separate doors, we went inside through balcony and I checked on Ivan, who was in a room with David, and he was really drunk and asleep so nothing could go wrong (Ivan usually passes out around 1, 2 AM and sleeps until the next day :P). I closed the doors of his room and my doors and I started kissing U. and we were making out really really hard and it was amazing. I forgot how it feels... It felt so good to have someone to kiss, to hug, to cuddle, to feel his body next to you and below or over you, and to feel someone who is a man. We even took off our shirts (actually, I literally ripped his shirt because he had some extra fancy buttons who was unzipping easily and I 'open' it, it was very sexy moment) and I saw his perfectly shaped body (but it's not too much muscled, it's just perfect defined, perfect for me, just like I like it). After I don't know how many minutes, hours or whatever (I didn't care for anything), it was too hot for both of us in the room, we decided to go out and to walk a bit on the beach. And we were walking, I was still drunk and U. was totally sober. We sat somewhere near the sunbeds from the first time and we talked about what is going to happen later with us when we return to the country.

I gave him one of my bracelets to remind him of me and we promised each other to stay in touch and to see each other the first possible time when we get back. Btw, he lives in a city which is two hour drive by train and one hour by bus from my city. Also, we left in the air the unspoken 'what happens on the holiday, stays on the holiday' because U. had 5 more days to be there, but to be honest, I didn't like that and I didn't like the part when he told me that if something happens, it happened, but he also told me that it won't be that easy because he has me in the head now. But Greece is not that gay friendly, either, so I doubted that he will do anything and I think that he didn't. I tend not to think about it, I'm only enjoying present and his company. If he wish, he'll tell me one day, when he's ready. (and now I revealed a bit about our 'future', but you'll hear more in the 'after holiday' post).

After hanging out on the beach and on that wall, we waited for the sunrise and we went home, it was early in the morning, around 7 or 8 AM and now I walked him toward his hotel and in the middle of the road we saw his friend, the girl who fell of the table, talking with some British guy. They were totally in the middle of a conversation about politics, philosophy, science etc. And she was clearly wasted, but we stopped to say 'hi' and I even talked to her a bit, now when I was sober. And when we passed by her and, I think his name was Gabriel, she shouted to U. and me something like: "I like that you found him and I like him, he's so cool and nice and I also like that he's not feminized at all." It was a nice compliment, to be honest, and really weird, because she was shouting from the other part of the street. She's a bit crazy type of girl, and I like when people are like that, outgoing and ready to have some fun.

On the crossroads, U. told me sarcastically something like: 'Okay, now I used you, you can go.' and started to walk away and I was looking at him and smiling because I knew he will turn around, smile and come back to kiss me. And he did. Then he said: 'Okay, have a safe trip and text me when you get back home.' :)

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4 


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Corfu, Greece, Summer 2011 - part 3

9/20/2011 03:55:00 PM
Woke up totally unconscious was it really a dream or not… But I knew it was real and that U. is real. I couldn’t believe what I experienced the last night. I was having huge smile on my face and I woke up very happy.

I couldn’t wait for 3 PM to come. It was our last day on the island and we were buying gifts for our friends who were back home… I was rushing David to hurry up because 3 PM was approaching so I can discreetly go. And I got bit mad on David because the first question after I woke up and he came to my room was: “So, did you have sex?” and I hate when people are like that, they only think about sex. Okay, I get it, he thinks about sex now because he didn’t have it for a long time, and the main reason he and Isaac came here on holiday is to fool around and to have sex and to hook up with a lot of girls. But I came here to relax and enjoy and I hate when he keeps asking me this, and he knows me. And I don’t run away from sex, but oh my God, people, that’s not the point and that’s not the only thing to think about, I had a great time with U. and I enjoyed it a lot and no, we didn’t had sex on our first date. I can’t do it that easily and that ‘meaningless’.

After buying gifts, I told the rest of the people that I’m going to enjoy my time alone, on some scooter or something and Isaac and Ivan are used to it, because I’m very mysterious person sometimes so they didn’t said anything. David knew where I was going.

I walked down the road and I came way too early because I had to phone my mom, it was her birthday. And then, 15 minutes before 3 PM I walked down the main street, in the direction of his hotel and there he was, walking the street with his glasses on and his backpack on his shoulder, with fresh white shirt and black shorts... I smiled and he smiled and I said some joke and he did the same and we shook hands. I was bit nervous and confused but I took him to the renting place and started talking with the guy who rents bikes/scooter/ATV and U. was amazed by me speaking Greek. Because they didn’t have ATV, we went to another place and took one, and he was looking at my handwriting, while I was signing the contract (so sweet) and commenting my Greek again. And then we climbed the ATV and I started driving.

It was like in movies. Me and him on a bike, the wind is blowing and wiping our faces and there’s a road in the distance. It was simply perfect; we were playing and poking each other on the ATV and talking, but only when we could hear each other, because of the noise of the ATV and the wind. I was feeling butterflies all the time and it felt fucking GREAT. I was happy and it was really refreshing and mind-blowing. Then I saw a sign for a beach and I decided to turn, and we went to the beach, driving through the woods and finally reaching the parking and the beach. I parked and we found some spot next to some cliffs and we spread our towels. Then he took off his shirt and I saw his perfectly shaped body, yeah he is skinny but has defined muscles and I was bit scared while I took my shirt off, because I didn’t go in gym for a very long time and I didn’t work out for a long time either, but I swam a lot on my holiday and I kinda ‘returned’ to the shape. And he didn’t say anything and he even remained the same, with flirty voice and stuff, so I relaxed. It was amazing. He put the cream on me, we were joking with our brown tan and then we went to the water.

Santa Barbara Beach on Corfu (THE beach) :)

The cliffs and 'our' spot ;)

The waves were amazing, they were huge, and I was like a small kid when I jumped and started swimming and went bit far away. I was feeling really happy and free, I was literally flying over the waves and I was with a nice guy and we were on a date. It felt so good. I was on a holiday, far away from all problems and finally I relaxed and forgot about everything. I was just enjoying in the moment and it felt perfect. I was swimming toward him and I was poking him in the water while I was diving and then we stepped out of the water and lay down on our towels and we started talking. He told me a bit about his experience and I told him a bit about Mike and stuff, but later we started more interesting topics, like music, movies, holidays etc. We had a great time, after an hour, we decided to go further on. We packed our stuff and took our ATV.

 Goodbye Santa Barbara ;)

Now the romantic part of the movie starts ;)

We were driving toward the second beach and took turn on the road and we reached the beach quickly, parked the ATV and decided to have a meal. We found some beautiful restaurant near the seaside and sat there. The waiter came, we ordered and I used my Greek once more. We were talking, watching the beach, the waves and it was really like in movies, on some first date scene. He was joking, showing me his phone, we were talking, and then the meal came. We ate and we discussed food. After a while, when the bill came, it was the best 20€ spent on the entire holiday and it was my last money. But I didn’t care; I had a great time with him and I enjoyed every single second of it and tomorrow I was going back home.

The view from the restaurant, you can see U.'s hand in the right bottom corner ;)

Then we took our ATV and in the restaurant I asked him would he like to go to another beach or somewhere else (and I was thinking about going in some woods and just enjoying our time together alone) and he said that he would like to go somewhere else ;) And there we went. I drove ATV toward some woods near some town in the middle of island. I had a towel in my bag so we parked ATV near the roads and sat on the ground. Then we were kissing and making out a little, but he felt really uncomfortable because the road was near and we could hear the cars coming and even one family with baby passed us (but they didn’t see us) so we stopped, and just sat there and talked about future, how we see each other in 10 years, about the gay issues in our country and about everything else that came on our mind. And we lost track of time. I accidentally looked at my watch and saw that we have like 45 minutes until the due for renting the ATV. We packed our things, kissed very quickly and headed back to the town we were in.

We got there in time and it was a very quick ride and it was very funny because U. was very scared and always told me like: ‘Slower, slower!’ and it was so sweet and so cute. For one part of road he also was driving.

After we returned ATV we were walking a lil bit through our town and planned the night, because it was going to be my last night there and we planned to meet up.

The plan was to meet up around 3 AM in the same club we met. And then we said goodbye and I returned to the hotel with the huge grin all over my face. When David noticed me he was laughing in his specific way and telling me (‘I know you had a good time’). And I really did have a GREAT time...

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4  


Wednesday, September 14, 2011


9/14/2011 01:24:00 PM


Monday, September 12, 2011

Corfu, Greece, Summer 2011 - part 2

9/12/2011 06:29:00 PM
When I’m drunk, I usually go from a place to a place and I’m very hyperactive, I can’t be in one place for much long, and I usually try to convince David and Isaac to go with me. (As for Ivan, we are not that close, even though I know him for 13 years, but we became quite close after this trip). And sometimes I’m mad at David and Isaac because I look at them as party breakers, and they are sometimes like that, being boring and grumpy. I can’t understand how they don’t have a wish to move a little from one place, but it’s their problem. But one night, I lost Isaac and later I’ve found him in some club where a lot of people from my country were. And I hugged him and we started going together to some other club, hugged. He was telling me about some girl he hooked up with and it was nice to hear that, because he’s in deep problem with a girl he likes, but she ditched him like six times, and he had some kissing issues (he confessed me that few days before this night and we talked a lot and I gave him some piece of advice, and his ‘new’ kiss was okay with this girl he was talking about, so I was very glad to hear the story and happy for him). Btw, Isaac is very inexperienced and immature and stubborn person, that’s the prime reason why I'm scared of telling him about me.

Okay, let’s continue… (Now my ‘movie’ starts, literally). Later, Isaac and I were walking and walking and entered the most populous club there, some people were outside, some people were inside and we climbed some table with a pole and we started going round and round the pole with some other people. Suddenly a girl from the table fell and hit the floor, but she was okay and we helped her to climb back, and I was talking with her in English and later I asked her: “Where are you from?” and she answered in my mother tongue: “(My country name), mate!” :P and it was so funny. She and her friend (a guy) on the pole were also from my country. We laughed, and then we started going around and around the pole again and I felt a touch on my butt, but not obvious touch, just like someone has ‘accidently’ put his hand there. It was so discreet and like an ‘accident’. I ignored that and I was also drunk so I wanted to continue to dance. And then I felt it again and I notice that a guy with a blue shirt, who I earlier noticed climbing the pole, was doing that… He also was a girl’s friend.

The picture taken from that table with the pole ;)

We continued to dance… and then the music stopped, Isaac and the first guy climbed down the table, and the girl who fell also climbed down. Some shit was happening, and that’s why they stopped the music. The guy in blue shirt and me were standing alone on the table, and talking some gibberish stuff, like ‘how did you come here?’, ‘where do you live in (my country)?’, ‘how was your stay here?’ and so on. Nothing special, but I felt like I should ask him something and ask him if he’s gay or not. My heart was beating so strong and I still was drunk and scared like hell. And then I simply beat my fear and said it, and it was huge step for me, it was so nice, so weird (in positive way) and so amazing in the same time... But I asked him something like: ‘Okay, never mind that (we were in middle of talk), are you maybe... in a funky mood?’ (It’s a literal translation to English. When you say to person “are you in a mood” or “are you funky” it means “gay” in gay slang in my country, don’t ask me how that happened, it’s simply like that and usually gay people know that…). And then he had a HUGE grin all over his face and said: ‘Noooo, I don’t know what you mean with that, what are you talking about?’ and I was: ‘Are you sure?’ because I saw he is uncomfortable. He grinned again and said: ‘I’m sure.’

Later, I don’t remember much of our conversation, I simply know that we continued our conversation (it was ordinary) and that was enough proof that he is gay (the grin, too). Usually when people you approach find out that you are gay they run away or they punch you in the head (I’m just kidding for this one, but who knows, I had only one experience when I approached some guy, Lucy's friend in club and he jumped away from me, literally :) )... 

And then he said something like: ‘And what about you, are you in a mood?’ and I simply answered: ‘Yes! But why is that important now, when you are not?’ (with ironic grin on my face)... And then we talked more and he said suddenly: ‘Do you wanna go to the beach?'... And I was like: ‘I can’t. First, you aren’t in the mood (sarcastic grin). And, second, this friend (and I showed at Isaac, who was yelling something with his mute voice, he had lost his voice that night) doesn’t know about me (being gay), and I can’t leave him alone...’ And we were obviously flirting... Then he said: ‘Maybe my friend can help?’ and showed me the girl, who fell of the table, she was next to my friend and watching some guys dancing. Then I jumped down, went to her and told her: ‘Me and your friend would like to go to the beach, but see, my friend doesn’t know about me, so you need to help us’… and she hugged me (music started again and you couldn’t hear nicely) and was like: ‘What? You are gay too?’ and then I knew the blue-shirt guy was gay for sure… :D :D :D I simply answered: ‘Yes!’ and she smiled and let go of me and took Isaac immediately and said: ‘You are going with us!!!’ and they got lost in the crowd.

I took blue-shirt guy and went at the backdoors who were heading to the beach. He was like: ‘That’s not the way’ and I was: ‘Relax, I know where I’m going’ (I knew club, because I was there few nights before and even though I was drunk, I’ve investigate the space)... 

‘Omg, you are taking me to the beach, and you don’t even wanna know my name,’ he was joking and then we introduced each other. And his name on this blog will be U. (to stay faithful to my ‘first name first letter’ tradition).

Instead of going to the beach, we found some chair – bench, and we sat there and we started talking. Finally he admitted that he’s ‘in a mood’ and that he was touching my butt. Later, I found out that he doesn’t hang out on THE site (dating sites) and that he studies law, that he was with only one guy (serious "relationship") and a lot of things about him, and I liked him instantly. We both were drunk and suddenly I kissed him and he was confused in the beginning, because we were in the public place but he relaxed later. And he was such a good kisser, it was amazing. He then said some joke about my tongue and about me being ‘horny’. And it was soooooo nice and soooooo perfect. We were totally relaxed and few people were passing by, and the security was closing the backdoor and no one said anything, nor staring at us.

And we talked and talked on that amazing bench, then we were kissing and kissing and then we decided to go to the beach. And we did, we were walking down the beach, joking, laughing, then we were holding hands for some short while and then U. saw some dock and decided that we go there. We sat there, it was dark, but the Moon was very bright. You could only see the Moon, stars, dark sea, and little lights from the city. It was so romantic and so peaceful. We took off our shoes, because they were so full of sand and we just sat there.

The beach during night

We talked, I told him about my parents and stuff, he told me a bit about his family and it was simply perfect and so romantic. Then we kissed again and started cuddling and we were enjoying that moment for a while, like maybe half an hour or something and then some Brits came. (Btw, this place where we went for a holiday has a lot of British visitors and they are huge mess, to be honest, but I kinda enjoy their way of fun, but only for a short while, three or four days of British ‘fun’ is enough for me... We heard about two girls being ‘shagged’ by some guy in the main street while people were taking photos and filming videos, then some guy put ketchup and mustard on the head of a guy from our hotel... Then they sprayed pepper spray to some other guy from our hotel, you could see a lot of people drunk and literally ‘dead’ in the street with puke all around you. I also like to drink and to enjoy and relax, but British fun is not 'my cup of tea' ;), only for a short time)...

Okay, let’s get back to the story. So, some British people came and they saw us in a pose when our hands and legs being so twisted all around :) and a girl just said: ‘OMG, fuck! Sorry, sorry, please continue, we are just skinny dipping’. But they ruined the mood, so we put our shoes on and pass by them, while they were jumping into water. They didn’t say anything nor even notice us leaving, even though they clearly saw it was two guys kissing and making out... It felt so good, to be honest.

We walked again and you could see that the sky was getting brighter; it was going to be a sunrise soon. We found some beach beds under a sun-umbrella and we lay there next to each other and we were playing with our hands, I was touching his and he was touching mine. It was so sweet. And then we started making plans for tomorrow. We decided to rent a scooter or an ATV (all-terrain vehicle) and go somewhere around the island.
Lying in sunbed and watching the sunrise with U. (you can see my sneakers in the right corner ;P)

You can see U.'s hair on the left and my feet on the right ;)

We both were getting sleepy and we decided to go to our hotels. U. followed me until we reached some hotel I recognized. Then we revised our plan and set ‘a date’ at 3 PM. Then we kissed one more time in the street, next to a hotel where a lot of people from the same organization that brought me on the island was staying and said ‘see ya tomorrow’...

I returned to the hotel not sure was I dreaming or was it reality. It was unbelievable Ι met someone on such a normal and very interesting way, and also someone very cute, handsome and sweet. I woke up David because it was around 9 AM and he promised some Greek girl (our boss :) ) that he will run with her on the beach, morning exercise, and I took the moment to tell him in short words what happened, but he was so funny and so sleepy that he couldn’t do anything than just nod and saying ‘Yeah... Okay... Aha... Yeah’ and then said ‘Okay, I have to sleep half an hour more, you’ll tell me everything later.’ Then he crawled back to his pillow and I went to my room and lay in my bed, next to Isaac’s, who was sleeping. I couldn’t fall asleep for a few moments, still wondering and repeating in my head what had happened... :)

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4 


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