Friday, November 18, 2011

Breakdown

4
11/18/2011 03:22:00 AM
I feel down, I don't know why, I just feel down. I didn't finish my post about going to the gay club because I'm very lazy and irresponsible person and I always say that I will leave it for another day and then another day and another day and I never finished it even though it's almost finished, I just wanted to put some pictures and I'm perfectionist, and I tend my posts to be perfect, which I shouldn't do, well at least not that much...

I almost went to U.'s city tomorrow, I had plan to go on with his proposal to be "friends with benefits" and I disgust myself, how should I think about that. 

I was convincing myself that I didn't have feelings for him and that it was only 2 months of crush, and that it wasn't nothing special, but I shoulda know myself better than that, I get really attached to people, and I start liking people a lot, which is a huge problem, and it lasted like month and something of "cool-stone-like" period toward U. to figure out that I cared about him more than I knew.

And now I sound pathetic, but I'm trying to put my feelings onto this paper and I'm having a minor breakdown as you can see, and sorry about grammar and spellings, I don't have nerve to check them once again, I just want to write and write and write and to feel better.

I won't go to U.'s city, because he threaded me like an idiot and a small-boy, which I usually am. I'm not like that, to have meaningless sex. I started to disgust gay world and I started to disgust and feel very disappointed in everything...

Even though I'm surrounded by a lot of people I love and adore, I still feel lonely, and that feeling is lasting and lasting, over a huge period of time. I hope for something which will never come, because everyone is too busy with their lives and with everything, and ... omg, I don't know what I'm writing... I'm just going to fall asleep and go tomorrow to my crappy university, which I won't finish because the education is so fucked up in this shit-hole of a country.

Good night and thanks for reading and sorry because I'm sounding so retarded...

About the author

Secret Blogger is writing about his life, living as a gay guy in a homophobic society.

4 comments:

  1. I don't think you're retarded, you're having a bad day or week, everybody has one.

    I don't know you or about things with U but from reading your blog recently, I truly believe that you deserve to be more than someone's go to guy. You deserve to be happy and have the chance to fall in love, and also have someone fall in love with you.

    You're still young, everything in your life is still falling into place. Expect the worst, hope for the best.

    All the best xxxx

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  2. A beautiful post B. I do understand what you mean by 'meaningless sex'. But don't you think that most straights as well as gays have the same problem finding requited love? If 'U' says he is interested in 'friends with benefits' then he has possibilities that may develop in time. Given time, a 'friend' may turn into a true lover. There are no guarantees, but life can have some nice surprises, and there are many more fish in the ocean. You are young with lots of possibilities so don't let some guy get you down.
    -B please take your education seriously and give it top priority. Yes, we all get down sometimes and that is normal in life. Take a long-term outlook and FINISH your university so you can be prepared for employment. You are a very intelligent guy and don't you dare waste your potential. bfn - Wayne (hugs)(btw I find that hitting the gym and aerobic exercise such as jogging or biking helps greatly to dispel the blues!)

    ReplyDelete
  3. hi. just read your blog and I really related! I know it sounds corny but it's the truth.
    anyway, hope you get out of that bad mood soon enough. all the best.

    ReplyDelete
  4. @lauradeth, @Wayne, @Drekonia: Thank you so much for your comments, now I feel much better, after few days of relaxing... And I finally finished a post about going out in a gay club... Thanks for reading and commening...

    ReplyDelete

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